Oh god Reader, have realised that there is so much that I didn't tell my 17 year old self about. I'm going to have to call her back in. She's a bit of a pain in the arse really, but I'll feel awful if I don't at least warn her about some of the stuff to come. Alright, wish me luck! *sends out for tardis style takeaway*
Oh bollocks, I'm back here again
Enough of that attitude young lady! I've called you back to impart words of wisdom to you! Wise words! Of wisdom!
Are you DRUNK?!
Heheheheh.....maybe.....*falls off bed slightly before righting self and smiling proudly at clear dexterity and grace*
But we don't really drink that much!
Just wait till our 18th birthday...
I'm so excited! I'm going to dress up! It's going to be SO MUCH FUN!
Well, you're certainly going to dress up....unfortunately we don't remember much of the rest of the night. And we're sick on the costume.
Oh god, how cringe! At least I won't do it again.
Actually, after swearing off booze for almost a year, we go to uni and....well....alcohol happens. Our 19th is even worse. We get carried out of the student club! It's essentially all the fault of much more alcohol tolerant friends of ours. But it's not very elegant. And it happens quite a lot after that.
Tell me now. Am I an alcoholic?
Oh goodness no! Uni is just...quite full of booze in the first two years. You calm down a bit in the third year, what with being the social sec, you have to watch out for everyone else. And then you don't drink at all at Drama School and lose your tolerance for booze completely! Which leads to not coping with booze at all well on your theatre tour (although the vomming is always from hangovers, not on the night, and we think you actually weren't very well during all that because you were also quite unhealthy in other ways as well as hellish hangovers). Now you just get drunk on occasion and can handle your booze much better. Although your hangovers are never that fun. You do learn your limits though and stop thinking you can keep up with Hockey and Rugby players. Now you are perfectly able to have a few drinks, be tipsy, but still make good decisions whilst being a silly sausage too.
Well that doesn't really sound great. Can I just skip the drunken first two years of uni?
Oh sweetie....I wish I could tell you we could. But they give us some really great anecdotes. Like the time you lay on a hill with your bestie and yelled at the moon. Or the time you decided to sing a duet at karaoke and got a standing ovation. Or that hilarious time you were showing off your pole dance moved and karate kicked a girl's handbag across the room.
Ok. Those do sound quite brill. Wait....pole dancing?!
Yeah, you take lessons! And win an amateur competition. Don't worry, it's not something we want to do for money, but it is quite fun. (mumbles 'apart from that time you accidentally bring the pole down with you in front of your new boyfriend')
What was that last bit?
Oh, nothing that can't be called endearing at some point. Now listen, and listen hard. Keep the love of Edith Piaf to yourself for a while
But we LOVE Edith! *starts singing La Vie En Rose, badly*
Well yes, but everyone will think you're mad in your first year. Until you discover the drama society and then they get you. Also, please stop wearing so much eye liner. You look a bit like Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain is a SEX GOD.
You know he's dead right?
Ah. Forgot we didn't find that out till quite late. Anyway, get over it. You are not Kurt Cobain. It is not a good look on a 17 year old girl. And while we're on the case-The tweed trousers with the broaches on the pocket are AWFUL.
DUH, I know. I just got a mini kilt from Camden!
Oh lord. The mini kilt.
Is it that bad?
No, wear it while you can get away with it. It's how you get asked out by the rock dude.
But you're a bit too old to be an Emo really. And you're way too happy. Brush your hair a bit more and stop buying plastic jewelry.
No, I'm right. And the voice of experience. Oh, speaking of experience, stop feeling awful about being a virgin.
Oh for god's sake, everyone knows. Look at you! You practically scream purity. It's not that unusual for a 17 year old, really. Lots of people from school turn out to have been lying about losing it anyway. And give up on the idea of David Bowie turning up on your door, he's too old for you.
I'm saving myself for him. The Goblin King is so so buff.
Eurgh. No one uses that word any more. Buff? Really? USE PROPER WORDS! He is not a freshly cleaned car!
Fine. Any more words of wisdom?
Yeah. Only LOADS. Keep hanging out with your new friends, they do you the world of good and make you feel really normal at the same time as making you feel special. Sweeney is dead smart and has ALL THE DEGREES and will probably help you in court one day. Robo is an avid traveller and Kaat is the queen of luxury. Clefairy lives five minutes up the road, and guess what? Tikki is getting married and you're her bridesmaid!
Oh you knew it would happen, she got a boyfriend before you too! And she's way more mature than you. (I happen to know you drew that tattoo on with biro and bunked off for the past two tuesday afternoons at college!)
Shut up wrinkly, someone might hear!
Oh no one cares. You do actually get a real tattoo though.
SERIOUS? Do I get a sleeve? Or a Chanel logo? Or a placebo lyric?!
Well, you're an actor, so sleeves don't work very well for that. And no to the others. Because....well, no. You get a rose! For great nan Rose. And for other reasons which you'll have to find out for yourself. Now shouldn't you be off to Quadruples for lunch?
Oh yeah! Me and Kaat are going to get a really healthy salad and then bunk off English and go to Camden again! Byeeeeee....
She'll honestly never learn. It's like talking to a bloody brick wall!