Reader, anyone who knows me knows that I constantly refer back to my past selves as if they were old friends or family members who would have a fully formed opinion on how I live my life. I get the mick taken quite a bit for starting sentences with 'god, 12 year old me would love this' or '15 year old me would be looking at me in horror right now'. And last night I got talking with my housemate about how different I was as a teenager. Which made me wonder-what would my 17 year old self think of mid twenties me? Only one way to find out....THE POWER OF TIME TRAVEL (shut up and suspend your disbelief)
Oh...hi. Where am I?
Hi there 17 year old me! You're in 2013, with mid twenties you!
Hang on....are we in LONDON?
What happened to New York? We were supposed to be getting married to a rock star in a beautiful yet edgy ceremony about now!
Well, New York is still somewhere we want to live, but we ended up making lots of contacts in London and staying put for the time being. Also, your family has grown and you have a godson now and some really cute little cousins you want to see grow up. You did go on a couple of dates with a rock star if that helps?
Someone makes me a godmother? Wow. That's pretty shibby! Who was it, Clefairy? Ooohh I date a rockstar? That must have been awesome!
Ok, first off, don't use the word shibby. No matter how hard you try, it never quite catches on
NO BUTS. It's awful. You do not sound kitch and cute, you sound ridiculous. And no, Clefairy doesn't have a baby yet (was it the many many nephews and nieces that made you think she'd have a family so young? Well she has even more now-no need to add more kids into the equation just yet!), your youngest uncle and aunt had the most gorgeous, funny little boy and you're his Godmother-you make him awful craft gifts and give him lots of cuddles. And dating a rock star was fun for about one date, then it turned out rockstars can be quite shy and his best friend scared you off (we think she fancied him too). You also never quite shake the suspicion that they thought you were a groupie.
Was it someone from Panic! At the disco?
No. Far less famous. No one knows who the band is really, even back then.
Oh. Bum. Hey, where's all my hair? WHERE IS ALL MY HAIR?
Oh yes, about that. The thing is, having hair down to your bum is lovely when you're 17 but when we get a bit older (and years of dyeing has made it slightly less luxurant and bouncy) we decide to keep it just below boob level. Don't worry, we're never going back to the Harry Potter haircut.
The whole reason I was single age 13-15.
Erm...Yeah, you stay single for quite a while actually, so I don't think we can put it all down to the bad hair
WHAT? I don't end up meeting a gorgeous guy on my first day at uni?
Oh, well, you do, but actually you wind up just seeing him as a friend after cleaning up his sick and stuff. Living with boys who are mates sort of makes you not fancy them. Also, after years in an all girl's school, you sort of have magical boy-repelling powers. You keep getting seen as 'the little sister' of the group and to be honest, you don't pick up on any of the hints boys give you anyway. You meet someone in your last year though and end up going out with them for 4 and a half years!
Oh phew. So I'm in a relationship and on my way to marriage and kids then?
Er, not exactly. In fact, we're sort of single again.
I'M SINGLE IN MY MID TWENTIES?! OH MY GOD I'M BRIDGET JONES
Please shut up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE! THIS IS SO FAR FROM SHIBBY! I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED MY ONE BOY MATE!
Oh yeah, about that, he turns out to be gay
What?! But we kissed!
He wore women's jeans!
But he had a huge crush on me!
Later in life we now think he just admired your skinny androgyny and lack of boobs. It's not even the only time it happens to you. You have a bit of a penchant for picking vaguely feminine boys out and for a while, a lot of them end up coming out of the closet.
Oh for god's sake. Am I at least performing at The Old Vic? Or The National?
Not exactly. You've done some tv and film work though! And played Estella in Great Expectations in lots of fabulous theatres! You're actually vaguely successful at the acting lark at the moment (although far from famous or rich, more that you have pretty regular work albeit low paid) And you have boobs now!
I HAVE BOOBS?!?
I know! They finally come in during your first year of uni! No more chicken fillets and rolled up socks in the bra for you young lady! But also no more running without a bra. Because that gets old fast. Along with getting boobs you get asked to model for a group called Suicide Girls but you turn it down because you're worried how it may affect your career as an actor.
Wow. I must be really skinny!
Well. You were then. Not so much now. Now we grudgingly accept that curvy is good and the fat on our tummy is to keep our baby making bits safe.
Well we can't afford to live off M&S sushi forever!
Do I at least live in a really cool part of London? In my own apartment? With a pet parakeet?
Well, you live in Southgate with one of your best friends from Uni who is now a director. No parakeets. We have a no 'Ash being Dr. Doolittle' rule. It's pretty awesome!
Actually it's quite trendy now. Lots of funky little coffee shops and charity shops.
Fair enough. And I suppose we can go swimming every day.
Not really, we can't afford swimming every day.
We can't afford £2.50 every day?!
Oh, yeah, there's been a recession. Swimming is £7.50 now.
£7.50?!!! That's the same price as an entire outfit from Punky Fish!
Oh dear sweet fool. That's nothing, busses are now £2.10 for a single if you don't have an oyster
What do shellfish have to do with public transport?
How are mum and dad? And the little bro?
All good! Dad now part owns the company and Mum runs her own business! When you're not acting you work for her on the side. They still both look impossibly young and go off on holidays to exotic places. Little bro is now taller than us by a foot and goes to uni in Wales.
Wait...mum and dad go on holiday? WITHOUT US? Isn't that child abuse?!
No, given that NEITHER YOU OR LITTLE BRO ARE CHILDREN ANYMORE. (We are sad about it though and keep hoping they'll win the lottery and whisk us off to Disney again)
Weird to think of him being at uni. He's only 12! And really weedy.
Enjoy it while you can, he gets really strong and can pick you up now. And does if he's losing an argument. You get put outside the front door like the sabre tooth from the flintstones.
Does he ever admit to stealing my Tigger diary?
No! But we still suspect him. You actually get on way better now. He's calmed down a LOT and is very funny. It helps that you don't live with each other. You even miss him when he's away!
Ok, well I suppose that's ok. Right, I feel the tug of college and a night out at The Roxy. Do we still go clubbing every week?
God no! We're out so often networking, we far prefer a quiet bar or even better, our own sofa!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......(disappears into a vortex of time travel to leap into mini kilt and dance to Peaches and The Arctic Monkeys)
Hm. Not sure how delighted she was, but she's IMPOSSIBLE to please. Before I go Reader, a few friends of mine are trying to raise money for various projects, so please see below the blog and donate and share!
A very talented theatre practitioner and actor friend of mine, Liz Williams is in the middle of a course to help bring theatre to the young. It's an amazing opportunity and Liz is extremely wonderful at everything she does, hardworking and fierce. If anyone deserves a helping hand, it's her! Donate or share her page here: http://www.gofundme.com/passionvspaycheck
The lovely James Card of Thorny Devil Productions is asking for contributions for their next short 'For My Next Trick'. Have worked with Thorny Devil in the past and they're a great team, who do fabulous work! They're also jolly nice people, so please give what you can, or just share if (like me) you're very very poor!