And I'm supposedly a proper grown up (even though my crafts look like a 7 year old with claws for hands made them). I genuinely wonder if there'll ever be a day when I don't do something so silly I'm mentally face-palming. It's funny, because strangers meet me for roughly an hour and think I'm quite poised. Any longer than that and I start falling over and mispronouncing words and they know I'm actually a ridiculous human being.
So I am going to exorcise some of my awful cringey moments in the hope that subconsciously my brain will flick a switch and stop making me do stupid things:
THE LIST OF STUPID CRAP I'VE DONE
- When I was 16 I went to my first self-arranged audition, for an arty version of Romeo and Juliet. I didn't expect the other actor to kiss me (he was also about 30!), freaked out and forgot my lines then on the way out, tripped over the coats and pulled their lighting rig down with me. Oh god.
- I once wore a summer dress without pants when I was 13 and forgot till I was standing on a wire balcony and a group of people walked below and commented on the moon being out.
- I skied into the French rugby team and broke my nose. They were all gorgeous and concerned about the 14 year old that now looked like Gerard Depardu, I wanted to die.
- I convinced my class that Goa was in Africa, not India.
- I have, on repeated occasions, text people with a message that was about them and not intended for their eyes. Including boys I fancied, friend's parties I was about to bail on etc. It is NEVER good. When my ex and I were first dating, I accidentally text him about how gorgeous the men in Abercrombie were, which we'd just visited with his sister. I also text my mum telling her that I smoked. She was not impressed. Whoops!
- I always get lyrics wrong. I was convinced that the line in RENT went 'My body's talking meat'. I sang it like that a lot. In front of people.
- I got so drunk on my 18th birthday that I missed my own stripper. There is a video of me somewhere unconscious in a bath, being hosed down as my friends sang 'what shall we do with a drunken sailor'
- I got so drunk on my 19th birthday that I had to be carried out of the club and inadvertently flashed a number of friends of friends.
- Anything involving guys I fancy. Seriously, I should not be allowed near them. I do so many awkward things.
- Doing a fight scene on stage, raised an axe above my head and my entire boob popped out, rather surprising the other actors
- Owning a top when I was 16 that said 'I hate Barbie, That bitch has everything'. Eurgh
- Ditto pleather bootcut trousers
- Ditto a black lace crop top with wizard sleeves
- Ditto a leopard print mini dress.
- I once made out with a guy because he told me he was dying and I believed him
- I won an amateur pole dancing contest and brought my own pole. Sadly it was a really shoddy pole, and when I tried to show off on it, I brought it down. In front of a room full of people.
- I also once tried to pole dance in a club and kicked someone's handbag across the room
- A black guy once said he'd like to take me out for a spicy hot chocolate and I thought he was literally talking about going to Nero for a coco.
- You know the joke 'hey, guess what, they're taking the word Gullible out of the dictionary!'? I fell for it. Three times.
- I am such a 'good girl' that if anyone so much as accuses me of anything, I go bright red and stammery and look guilty. I think I could probably fail a lie detector even if I was telling the truth.
- I once sat in a lecture for half an hour before I realised I was in one about History, not English Lit, and had to sneak out.
- When I was in year 4, the boy I liked saw me leaving him a valentine and tried to give it back, so I lied and said that it was someone else that left it. HE SAW ME. I don't know what jedi mind tricks I thought I'd be able to use on him, but they did not work.
- I wore head to toe pink to a Linkin Park concert
- Until I was 19 I thought that I was distantly related to Princess Anne, and as such, a member if the Royal Family.
There are so many more than that. I could quite literally go on forever. I have more bruises than anyone I know because I walk into things so often. I also have a strangely misshapen head from hitting it so often.
Please someone tell me that one day I'll be less dim and trip up with less frequency?
Or just tell me that I'm not the only one!