Friendzoning...

Ok Reader, so recently I've been noticing lots of guys complaining about getting friendzoned by girls. You see it all the time. 'Uh man, this girl TOTALLY friendzoned me' 'What a bitch' 'Yeah, I know, she clearly only goes for douchey blokes, nice guys always finish last'.

Ahem.

I'm sorry.

SHUT THE SHAG UP.

Friendzoning exists, sure. And it sucks when you like someone and it turns out they only see you as a friend, I mean, come now, girls go through it too, I've been through it myself. But stop acting like it's a) only something that happens to men by girls and b) because you were clearly meant to be together from the start and she KNEW that and then whammied you with a 'Sorry I just see you as friends' acme safe on the head.

When a girl meets a guy, her instant thought is not that it will lead to sex. The majority of times, if a meet up is arranged, she assumes it is just to meet up and chat in a friendly manner. Not to go on a date. Because it is not made clear. If I like a guy I am USELESS around them (despite being just about the flirtiest person you'll meet under most circumstances, when I meet someone I genuinely fancy, it's as if someone's replaced my brain cells with felt and sequins and I start talking utter crap and stammering and tripping over a lot. I can however, flirt brilliantly with people I don't actually see sexually. I know, I am a ridiculous human being.) but generally if they ask me out I assume it's just to hang out, not to date. Sometimes to my own detriment. Once, when I was a lot more naive and (lets face it) stoopid, I thought a guy was literally asking me to a sleepover and turned up at his door with pjs, a bag of dvds and popcorn and my best friend. Girls are not that aware sexually most of the time. And most of us have pretty crippling self doubt. We don't recognise that someone fancies us unless they kiss us, tell us so, or get one of our more enlightened friends to tell us so. After uni, I once said in a group of male friends 'I never really got asked out at uni' and apparently 90% of them had asked me out at some stage without me ever realising. Apparently I'd even been out on a date with a couple of them and had NO CLUE.

If you want to go on a date with someone, tell them it's a date. Just give us a heads up, ok? Then we can tell you if we're actually interested or not, and you won't ever get into the friendzone situation. Be warned though, you could lose out on a lot of really frigging awesome female friends that way.

Also, what in lawk's name is all this crap about 'nice guys finish last'? My last boyfriend was a classic 'nice guy'. Who was into comics and gaming and geek culture. HE HAD POKEMON POSTERS IN HIS ROOM. And guess what? I kissed him first. The utter wankers I've been interested in, I've never made a move on, because they are, as I have said, utter wankers and I'm not completely brain dead. Generally a girl won't look at a guy and go 'ah yes, he's someone who'll cheat on me and treat me like poo, I want a slice of that hot action'. Normally the guy seems perfectly nice initially and it's only later that the not so lovely bits come out. The difference is, the cocky guys seem to have the confidence to ask a girl out directly and actually show that they are sexually interested in them rather than hanging out around them and after a month of being mates suggesting that they go for coffee in a matey sort of way. They make their agenda clear. Which is why ladies know it's a date. And to be honest, the majority of men I know who say 'I don't get it, I'm a really nice guy' are not in fact, really nice guys. They just think they are because they don't make the first move, and let's be honest no one ever really thinks that they're a knobatron.

I've also noticed that the same guys who keep getting 'friendzoned' appear to want all of their female friends to have seen them as a romantic prospects. Er...sorry. What?! Why is that ok? I am pretty obvious when I fancy someone. I am, in fact, incredibly ridiculous and do stupid things like texting them texts about them by accident (this has happened so many times, I think I have a problem, thank christ for smart phones and existing conversation threads) and not realising that I'm talking to their girlfriend and making it painfully obvious that I fancy their partner (again, happens more often than I like to admit and leads to me feeling AWFUL because I haven't realised that they were taken and then hiding under my bed for a week or so). Sometimes, I meet men and I just think 'cor, aren't they great people? I want them to be in my life' in a very non sexual way and now I have lots of lovely male friends who (I hope) know that I don't see them romantically.

The thing is, it's also really crappy of a person (male or female) to go into a friendship with an ulterior motive. Can you imagine if you'd made this great friend that you thought was like a sibling and then one day it came out that they'd only got into a friendship with you because they wanted to jump your bones? Or suddenly stopped talking to you because you wouldn't date or sleep with them? How manipulative? I mean, I can be really shy sometimes (I know, you wouldn't know it, but I'm an actor, I hide it remarkably well), but if I am attracted to someone and he doesn't feel the same way back (or, adversely, can't feel the same way back because he's in a relationship) I go 'oh, ok' and it may feel a bit shitty for a while but I realise it's not their fault that they don't want to jump my bones and get on with congratulating myself on having made a nice friend and getting the hell over it.

I always hear guys saying 'But I always make the first move'. I'm sorry, but I call bullpoop. You know how many times I've been actually, properly asked out in a way that I know it's a date? Twice. Once I said yes, once I said no. You know how many times I've been kissed first? Three times. One of those by a drunk person who I didn't want to be kissed by, which really doesn't count as it was more like someone throwing a wet dishcloth with bits of broken china in it at my mouth. I have kissed (not including in plays and auditions and games of truth and dare and drunk men throwing themselves at my uniwilling face) nine guys. Nine. Only two of those made the first move. So don't give me that rubbish. I don't get guys making the first move on me. I wish I did. Life would be more interesting. Because making the first move all the time isn't that fun, even when you know for a fact that the guy likes you back because his friend told your friend or something like that. However, I have been accused of friendzoning. By people I had no idea I had romantic feelings towards me. Normally after years and years and years of being friends. If you hang out with a girl for ages and don't make a move, you're not being friendzoned, congratulations, you are friends.

And that Reader, is all!
Ash
x