Positive thinking and dream mapping for the cynical generation

Right, so as anyone from my year at drama school will tell you, positive thinking is key. We even had a lesson in which a woman who trained in positive thinking came to tell us how important positive thinking is. Now, Reader, I subscribe heavily to the whole 'think happy=be happy' philosophy. I read The Secret, I watched Oprah! I even do visualisation exercises sometimes. I am generally an irritatingly happy shiny person. I have very little concept of sarcasm and when I try to use it, it's hardly biting satire, more grumpy 12 year old saying 'well, duh!' But let's face it Reader, in this age of grumpy celebs selling sob stories, po faced newsreaders and pouting being sexy, positivity is frankly unfashionable. I tried to start a trend for it, which seemed to fail abysmally. There's also a thing with actors, if you say 'yeah everything's AMAZING, I frickin' love life and I wouldn't change a thing' other actors hate you. Literally want to tear out your eyeballs and shove salt in the sockets. It's far more acceptable to go 'well, life isn't too bad, but then it's not great. I mean I'm not getting the auditions I want, my agent's a shit and I might as well give up and become a librarian'.

I think I'll stick to being unfashionably cheery. I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer of late (yes, I am a huge geek), and think, hey, if Willow can do it, I can! Now, one of the things I've learnt from all of the positive thinking stuff is that you should make a 'Universal wishlist'. It's a list of all the things you want to happen, and it makes the universe sit up and go 'hey now, that's a great idea! Well sure, if you want I'll just fix that up for you under the grill.You want fries with that?'

So, in the interests of positive thinking, here is one of mine (yes Reader, I have many)

1. I get picked up by my perfect agent. They finally get to my email and letter and go 'hey, you know what? That girl with her slightly angular nose and freckled forehead is EXACTLY what we need! Let's take her on and make her insanely A list!'
2. They pass on my details to the following directors: Everyone who is talented.
3. This very blog gets picked up and made into a column (well, one can dream) and possibly a film starring Zooey Deschanel doing a really really bad English accent (n.b she may have to put on some weight and lose the fringe. Potentially also wear a prosthetic nose.) 
4. Talented directors get in touch and audition me for many many projects, which I then get to pick and choose
5. I get cast in screen, stage and radio. All varied and rewarding roles that I can really get my teeth into. I get paid absolute buckets (obvo)
6. With the money I buy a lovely house for me and the lad, with a garden, a 50s style kitchen (with a red smeg fridge because we once saw one in a magazine and now we're obsessed!) and period features. I pay off my parents' mortgage and get them the villa in Majorca they've always dreamed of. I set up a trust fund for my brother, invest in my Mum's business, build a rehearsal/performance space back in Kent for my old Drama Soc and buy my Irish grandparents a house that's not in the dodgy end of Tottenham, a personal chauffeur and a woman to clean the house and cook occasionally. 
7. I keep getting work. Good work, not just poo things that I only do to be able to survive and keep myself in diet coke.
8. Mine and The Lad's relationship continues to flourish and be lovely. 
9. We travel to exotic places all the time, drink cocktails out of coconuts on beaches and generally live the life of Reilly. 
10. Mum's business BOOMS and she is on the cover of The Sunday Times magazine she's so fab. Dad wins loads of great contracts for work and is names 'Housing person of the year' (for lack of the correct/real terminology), Brother gets a first and a brilliant job in Criminology (with a sideline in drawing comics). The Lad works as a primary school teacher but also opens up a comic book store/cafe with performance space for our comedian friends and quiz nights.
11. I win a Bafta, Oscar, Tony, Mobo (shut up this is MY wishlist and I get to ask for whatever the hell I want!)
12. I am a size 8 with perfect teeth and hair. I am remarkably slim but in some miraculous way do not lose my boobs nor need plastic surgery or diets. 
13. I get cast as Hedda Gabler in a film version of the Ibsen play.
14. I win more awards.
15. Dad starts presenting a TV show about scuba diving and fishing (his two favourite things ever) which gets similar viewing figures to Top Gear. The public enjoy his combination of dad jokes and punk attitude. Mum writes a book which is seen as being the best feminist fiction to be published since Fay Weldon.
16. My family, friends and I are so happy and healthy that we're actually quite sickening, but this is obviously not picked up on by the media or public, who simply adore us.
17. World peace (just so I don't sound too materialistic...)

Right, so now that's all sorted, I shall expect to start having it all appear in my lap shortly. I'll just wait here watching Buffy till it does.
Will keep you updated Reader!
Ash
x