Reader I am so peeved tonight and I really don't know why. I am sitting here in bed in my hoody and The Lad's trackies (I refuse to buy a pair myself, but his are ridiculously comfy) with a box of Green and Black's chocolate and have had a great day where I got to wake up with the Lad, see one of my most favourite people in the ENTIRE WORLD who I went to uni with and who is like my sister but Italian, and then I got to go to my Dad's work picnic and play with little babies who made duck noises. But I am still feeling hugely dejected. On the verge of lip wobbling tears in fact. And I don't know why. I might put it down to hormones (which is pretty easy as I think I've probably got about 5 women's worth of hormones in me given the extreme girlishness and penchant for chocolate. Me and my friends did a test once to see how our testosterone/hormone rates were, everyone else's were pretty even but my scales looked weirdly tipsy. Can't even remember how we worked it out now. Probably something to do with leg hair.) but that almost seems too straight forward. I mean, can a simple chemical imbalance be the cause of such misery? I feel like a teenager again! Mopey mopey. In a minute I'll get my old Nirvana cassettes and my diary out and then it'll be just like it was when I was 14...
I think it's mainly because I am unemployed. And also am slightly annoyed that acting work hasn't been served to me on a plate. I'm not saying I expected Mike Leigh to come offer me a role in his next film but....oh, hang on, wait a minute, I think in part of my head I probably did. It was just hidden behind the sensible 'hurry up and get your voicereel together' bit.Which is irritating, because I have always prided myself on being a very sensible young woman when it comes to my aspirations, yet here I am, slightly huffy because no one's offered me a huge film job yet. I only have myself to blame. I have been seriously slack Reader. I haven't even been sending out headshots or anything. I keep putting it off, telling myself I'm waiting for my showreel but the truth is I'm probably just a bit lazy. And worried that no one will reply of course. However, I'm hopefully having a meeting with my mentor soon, who's landed an awesome role in a show in London, so I'll ask her for some advice and words of wisdom (she being a very smart actress who knows her stuff and has worked with the greats!). I like the idea that I have a mentor. It makes me feel like I'm in Star Wars training to use the force and maybe have a cheeky snog with Harrison Ford *one of my earliest crushes*.
However, something great happened recently. I got listed on IMBd! Twice! Three times if you count my art director role! This makes me feel very businesslike and important, but also reminds me that I need to get more up there and pronto if I want to look even better. So really I need to get cracking, print out those photos and start getting in touch with agents. There is a particular agent that I am despo to be on the books of but I won't mention them for fear of tempting fate. I will only say that I have been in touch once, and fully intend on getting in touch again as soon as I have something else solid to show them. And then I will wow them with my charm. And possibly my chocolate brownies.
I have also just re-joined an extra-ing website that I was part of at Uni. Now, as any actors reading this will know, you should never put extra work on your cv, because it's pointless and makes you look like an idiot when casting directors say 'oh, I loved that film! Which bit were you in?' and you say 'Oh, for 0.25 seconds during the crowd scene.' but it pays pretty well and it's good to make contacts and get advice from other actors. A friend of mine has been doing a lot of extra work of late and has been managing to support himself on it which is pretty fab so fingers crossed eh chaps? Would be nice to get some money in anyway, as all this printing of headshots and posting letters is getting pretty expensive. I mean, it's tax deductible but still....
Also, tonight I watched Tron, which may be another reason I am feeling blue. Reader, I had expected so much, and it was AWFUL. So bad in fact that I didn't finish watching it. It just made me feel sleepy, like I wanted to put my head on the table next to my bowl of Cool flavoured doritos and doze off. That might just be because I'm a bit pooped at the mo though...
Anyway Reader, I'm off now to the land of nod. I actually feel quite a bit perkier now, I think it's the writing to you that did that, so feel good about yourself, you stopped me from listening to 'The man who sold the world' on repeat and cracking out my old emo eyeliner.
Much love!
Ash
x
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