Reader, I do not have good legs. Ok, so, in tights or jeans they're not half bad. Maybe a 7.5 on a good day. Bare however, they have been known to provoke laughter, fear and at times worry for my health/welfare. You see, I am a pale sort of a girl (thanks to an exotic combo of irish and kentish blood no doubt) and as such, my limbs are normally a vampiric blue tinged white. This is probably a far too nice way to describe it, so don't think of Twilight vampires with their bloody perfect skin, nor Brad looking all pale and sexy in Interview with a Vampire. Instead think of some half rotted corpse, with skin like a fish's underbelly. Yeah, that's probably more like it. And you know what? Pale limbs do not look good in hot pants. Ok, I hear it, you're thinking 'bloody big whinier, being pale isn't that bad'. But I haven't finished yet. After the pale skin comes the bruises. 'The odd bruise?' you say 'everyone has the odd bruise'. Not like this. At last count I had sixteen largish bruises. On my right leg alone. It's a combination of being veggie, anaemic and very very clumsy. Therefore wearing anything bare legged makes people assume I am a victim of a) domestic abuse or b) some kind of terrible illness. The other problem with my legs are that I have terrible knees. Not cute little dome knees like most A-listers have, but weird knobbles that look like mini mountain ranges (seriously, is there a trick to getting good knees? Some kind of exercise I haven't worked out?).
Over the summer, my legs seem to toughen up a bit, and get less bruisey. I still refuse to put fake tan on (mainly after seeing a girl in high school with a handprint on the back of her calf that made her look like she'd been sexually harassed by a shedding oompah loompah....shudder). I do sometimes dream of denim hotpants without tights underneath but a) I think I may be too old for that look now and b) no. Just no.
My dear friends at school even came up with a song about my legs (mainly because I loved knee high socks but could never seem to get the right sort, so ended up with ones that ended just below the knee. And always lost my tights so had to wear said socks even in winter. The song went to the tune of smelly cat (please bear in mind I also had a terrible hair cut when I was 13 or so..)
Mushroom head, mushroom head
I see your skanky legs
all through the winter
all through the snow
mushroom head, mushroom head (repeat as wished)
A talented bunch indeed. It's a wonder we still speak. Saying that, I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of taking the mick of them a fair number of times (ahem....skintightwhitestraptopwithlipsalloverit.....ahem.....dinosaurs......ahem) so fair enough really.
Right, I'm going to hide my poor old legs in my pj bottoms (after they've been exfoliated and moisturised of course....well, one can hope!)
Much love Reader