In which I disagree with someone more important than me...

Reader, the other night I went to hear a Very Important Man (VIM) who is involved in my industry speak. A lot of what he said I nodded appreciatively at, and I applauded at his work and even stood up when everyone else did at the end to give a standing ovation (although I felt a bit silly given he hadn't just performed or done a Ted Talk). But there was one thing out of all of the things he said that I really, really disagreed with.

A young student in the audience asked for advice for people who wanted to be actors and he replied, in all seriousness; 'Don't be in a relationship, don't get married, don't have kids'.

To that, I say BOLLOCKS.

In case you mis-read, that is a very clear, BOLLOCKS.

Being an actor is not always easy. When you're working, it can be the best job on earth, but the set backs are hard and sometimes it can be emotionally traumatic. Last week 3 potential, well paying, career changing jobs melted away into nothing when I found out I had been lied to by a professional catfish ( you can see the vlog on that HERE). I was gutted. I was scared. I felt invaded. But about a year ago, I was also lucky enough to meet someone who changed my life and who knows more about me than anyone else in the world, someone who I respect as an actor and producer, someone who gives great advice and who I love so much that sometimes it scares me a bit. So when at first I tried to overlook the fraud, he sat me down and gently made me look properly so that I'd see going to meet this person was unwise and would put me in an unsafe situation. When I felt stupid he told me all the thing that made him proud of me, that I often overlook. When I cried, he held me and kissed me till I stopped shaking and then sat me on a terrace in his jumper and brought me wine and chocolate. By the morning I felt ready to do detective work on the fraudster and properly report them, and felt more positive about my life.

If I had been single, I wouldn't have had that sounding board. Yes, friends and family are incredible and make my life wonderful every day, but being in a relationship you get a cheer squad of one and a partner in crime to back you up and help make difficult decisions. Now I'm not saying you need to be in a relationship as an actor, of course not! I've been single as an actor, and it was fulfilling and excellent! But it didn't make me a better actor. Nor does being in a relationship, but it gives you some much needed support in an industry that can sometimes be very lonely.

You also have someone to share the good times with-we've celebrated so many achievements together, and because he's there to see how hard I work at it, he knows how important it is when something finally pays off and we take huge amounts of joy from our successes.

Ok, so being in a relationship means that when you go to work abroad or on tour you have someone to miss, but that just means that you have something excellent to come home to. True, you can't just jet off to live in LA at a minutes notice but a) when would you have done that anyway, leaving all your family and friends behind and b) to be honest I would follow my partner anywhere, and I know he'd do the same-what matters is that we have someone to enjoy the journey with us.

Now please don't take this as me single shaming, it's not at all. I loved being single, I was great at being single, I was a single actor for a year and my career was just dandy. But don't let people tell you that being in a relationship gets in the way of your career. If you're with the right person, it supports it. You determine how your life works, how your relationships work, how your career works. If you're in a relationship that's holding you back, then it may be time to look at the dynamics of that relationship. But for goodness sake, don't give up on love just because some 'industry professional' told you to. That's their experience. Not yours.

Ash
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10 things to do while waiting to hear the results of an audition...

Reader, I am currently waiting to hear the results of 3 auditions. All of which are for pretty huge things-now generally I am very good at just putting auditions to the back of my mind as soon as I've done them so I don't get worked up, but because all three of these projects would be amazing and also I have a cold so am stuck inside today, I am unable to think of much else. So I've decided to give you....

10 THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING TO HEAR THE RESULTS OF AN AUDITION

1. Watch Buffy on Netflix

Because Buffy. I don't think I should have to give more of a reason for this. It's Buffy. It's excellent.

     2.  Clean your messy messy room

There is a chance I have avoided doing this, citing having a cold as the sole reason. My room currently looks like an episode of Hoarders. 

     3. Text your boyfriend and plan your next holiday together in epic detail

SO EXCITED. Pass the suncream and the travel scrabble, we're off on some adventures....

     4. Teach yourself to learn a new accent

I have tried and failed to learn New Orleans, Welsh and Arabic today

     5. Pinterest

Universal wishlist yourself into a state of near frenzy, then weep when you realise your room is not made of bare brick and full of gorgeous mis-matching vintage furniture and that you can't be bothered to make yourself a vegan superfood bowl for dinner in perfect colours and will probably end up having an egg bagel.

     6. Budget for the next million weddings you're going to

Answer? You can't afford any of them. Begin working out ways to make home-made gifts and try to work out if you can dye the last dress you wore so no one will recognise it. Try to work out ways to hitch-hike to the weddings and stay at the wedding venue for free, in a tree or something.

     7. Plan everyone's Christmas presents

Because it's June, which in Irish Catholic family terms is December 10th. And that means making roughly 30 wonky but heartfelt Christmas gifts.

    8. Try and count the number of people you know getting married or having babies

Give up and watch cartoons instead to calm down the realisation that no one is horrified by the youth of your friends who are getting married/having babies because THEY'RE NOT THAT YOUNG AND NEITHER ARE YOU. Hide under duvet.

   9. Make career plans

Have to stop because you keep factoring in this job you're waiting to hear about and that is too dangerous

   10. Check your email about a million times

Obviously not for the audition results. For other stuff. Like....uh....oh! A notification from Amazon that your new belt has shipped! That was it. Sure. 

I'm a lost cause Reader....

Ash

x

Earlier and earlier every year....

So Reader, if you've followed my blog for a while, it will come as no surprise to you that Christmas is my most favourite time of year. I get craft crazy, bake all the time, generally wander round with a face like a child in a Dickens novel who's just been given entry to a toyshop.

To make sure I don't go too mad I generally instate a rule that I can't do Christmassy stuff before the 1st of December. Which means no Christmas music, food, films or decorating. Every year though, my addiction takes hold a little more, and I find excuses to get the season going earlier and earlier. Going to the annual Taste of Christmas fair with my gorgeous make up artist friend SJ (remember her? from the cake blogs?) in late November now gives me an excuse to get outrageously excited a bit early. Going to my boyfriend's hometown to have Advent Sunday dinner with his family and old friends is also going to allow me to have mince pies in November (because it would be SO RUDE not to) and the fact that I have an enormous Irish Catholic family who keep having babies means I have had an excuse to start shopping and crafting since the first of November. Last year I spent a week filming in Portugal in December so I managed to convince my housemate that we had to decorate the flat in November so we'd still get the full levels of Christmassy vibes.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be mostly sticking to my rules-no Christmas films before 1st December (and yes, that includes Christmas TV-re-runs of Kirsty Alsops homemade Christmas and Nigella's Christmas specials are like crack to me), no christmas music on the ipod before 1st December, no opening Christmas magazines (now sat tantalizingly at the end of my bed) no reading A Christmas Carol or putting a Christmas theme on my laptop....

but...

I may have already burnt a Christmas scented candle or three....
and made Christmas pudding....
and have my home made wreath on my bedroom door...
and given my boyfriend a 'Christmas decoration starter kit' for his flat...
and coerced him and also curly one to let me come and help decorate the second they want to feel Christmassy....
And read all the Christmas catalogues from all the supermarkets and planned all the food (because they don't count...right?)

Oh dear...

Elf
x

Erm...I mean,
Ash
x

Things that should be taught in sex-ed...

Reader, the other day, a friend and I were laughing over drinks about how naive we were about sex as teenagers, and exchanging some of the ridiculous things we thought back then and urban legends our 15 year old selves had been convinced were true. It made me think a bit about how actually, I learned very little from my sexual health classes that could be put to good use (not helped of course by the fact that when I was having those classes, your contraceptive choices were limited to the pill, condoms or a coil and we were taught by a very nice lady going through the menopause who for some reason decided a group of 15 year olds really needed to know all the details of childbirth rather than the realities of sex.) If I were to go and teach a sex ed class (thank god this will probably never have to happen) of young women, there are certain things I would definitely make sure they knew. And because I am not particularly likely to do that, and because as far as I can tell, everyone is still being shy about all this stuff, I am going to ignore the British voice in my head going 'DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF' and actually tell you some stuff! Which may be helpful if you're a 15 year old girl. Or a 20 year old girl. Or whatever.



 Things we didn't learn from sex-ed classes, that might have been useful

• The majority of the time, the guy has no idea if he's got an STD, and you won't be able to tell either, so until you both get tested, keep it covered missy! 
• The pill may have side effects. No, not in the same way paracetamol says 'may cause dizziness', more like 'may make you want to eat literally everything, may give you crippling migraines, may make you a crazy person who cries or yells all the time, makes you fall in love with people that you would never normally fancy because of weird hormonal effects, stop you wanting to have sex which, let's face it is the SOLE purpose you're on the damn thing anyway'. If they try and give you microgynon say hell no. It is dreadful. None of my friends have had good experiences on it.
• No you can't get pregnant by giving a guy a hand job in a jacuzzi
• No you can't get pregnant by both being naked in the bath
• No you can't get pregnant by hugging each other for a long time
• Yes you can get pregnant even if he doesn't finish inside you. Stuff gets released even before that.
• Look, this is a picture of what a real penis looks like. And here's an erect one. In fact, here is lots of photos, just to show how different they all are. 
• No, testicles don't have a hard skeletal casing.
• No, penises don't have a bone, they get hard because they get a rush of lots of blood to them.
• This also makes them change colour.
• Yes they can break. Please be careful with them.
• Here is a pamphlet about thrush and cystitis. If you are a woman who is having regular sex (or sometimes, because life is cruel, even if you're not and haven't got any in a long time) you will probably have both of these things. They are horrendous. 
• Boobs are weird. Seriously, don't worry about them. Just wear good underwear. 
• Periods are hell. Feminax is brilliant, hot water bottles are heaven, dark chocolate helps. 
• Oh my god guys, sex is SO MESSY. Like, SO MESSY. 
• There is no elegant way to deal with the mess.
• Never feel ashamed for wanting to have sex. Wait till you are legal, and wait till you are emotionally ready and with someone who will treat you well, but never feel ashamed. It's a natural and wonderful thing. 
• Go and read erotica. Work out what turns you on. Porn is made mostly for men, and to be honest, it's not sexy. You might find erotic fiction better. Or sex scenes from The Postman Always Rings Twice or Cruel Intentions. Go, discover. Don't wait for your partner to tell you what to feel.
• The implant is like a gift from god. Rare periods, no pills, less side effects. Heaven. 
• Sex is not just for pregnancy. Your teachers, nuns, parents, local priests etc may tell you otherwise. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.
• Ignore the awful 60's diagrams your science teacher will show you. Sex is not laying down, very very still. This is generally a much less fun way to do things.
• You don't have to be in love with your sexual partner but it helps a LOT. Like, it's so much better it will BLOW YOUR MIND. However, you do have to definitely want to do it.
• You can say no whenever you like, it is completely your right. Even if you are naked, even if you're already halfway through. The most important thing about sex is consent. 

I think I'd better repeat that last one, because it's SUPER important:

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT SEX IS CONSENT 

You are the boss of YOUR body. I have heard too many stories recently about people only having sex because 'they felt they should' and saying that they had sexual encounters that weren't rape because 'I didn't say no' but felt pretty close. Say no. It is your choice, and your right. It is also your choice to go and have sex. Do not let people shame you, or make you believe having sex is something to feel bad about. You feel exactly how you want to feel about it, whether you choose not to go through with it, or you take that step. And talk about it. Ask questions. We are a closed off society sometimes, and we shouldn't be, because it means teenagers are afraid to be curious. There is always someone who will be willing to be honest with you if you are brave enough to ask the scary questions.

Ash 

x

Reasons I'm smiling....

So Reader, yesterday I was on a train home, grinning to myself, when I overheard a lady kiss her teeth and say 'I don't know what SHE's got to smile about'. So I thought I'd share some things. In the hope that it infects. Maybe it'll get back to her and she'll not be able to help but use some of those face muscles! 

REASONS I AM SMILING GORMLESSLY

1. My train station is on a hill. Which means on my way home, I get to run down it, giggling to myself. I do this every time I come back alone, even if there are other commuters. It is JOLLY GOOD FUN.
2. I am getting to spend time with lots of my fabulous friends at the moment. Which I am LOVING.
3. Autumn/pre-christmas Winter is my favourite time of year, because of all the reasons in this video and more. I also start my Christmas prep in October, with Christmas pudding making and starting to hand design Christmas presents for my non-adult relations.
4. Halloween is just round the corner and me and two of my favourites have come up with a BRILLIANT costume idea
5. I am having some adventures in non-Englandy places soon-4 days in Italy with the parents, then 4 days in Ireland with the Partner In Crime and I can't wait!
6. I am really excited about a new career path that will hopefully run alongside my acting/vlogging/writing work. And I'm feeling motivated about it! Which is all jolly nice.
7. I have discovered exercise is actually giving me more energy than usual and am actually ENJOYING working out four times a week ( I know, feel free to throw shoes at my head etc)
8. I am baking on Wednesday. I blooming love baking.
9. Guardians of The Galaxy exists. And for that we should all be grateful.
10. Everywhere smells of autumn at the moment-my room has orange and cinnamon candles burning, walking home from the station I could smell bonfires and damp and roast dinner smell eminates from every home. Lush.
11. Curly One has moved into THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GROWN UP HOUSE and it is only 20 minutes on the train from me. Which is just deliciously delightful. And I was able to help her move in, which made me happy.
12. I got to catch up with my beloved make-up artist/prosthetics guru SJ this week. Long time followers of this blog may remember that SJ and I used to do cake shop reviews here-keep your eyes peeled on my vlogging channel-this Christmas, we are potentially doing a short Christmas series! Cakes, crafts and canny behaviour...
13. School kids are back in school. Which means the streets are mine again! (I love having non conventional working hours...)
14. This year, long flowy coats are in fashion. Which means walking round pretending to be a Daphne Du Maurier heroine
15. I was introduced to THE GREATEST TEA PLACE today at the Leicester Square Arts Theatre. It's called Madd Hatter's, and they make Tea Lattes. In flavours so wonderful you'll want to cry, like candyfloss. And they have Oreo cake. And iced tea that tastes like it has a bucket of sugar in but actually only has one teaspoon per TEN SERVINGS. I may never leave.

Anyway my dear darling lovely Reader, I hope you have lots of reasons for smiling too-and remember-you're all reasons for me to smile too!

Remember not to kick piles of leaves-hedgehogs like to sleep there

Ash

x

Thoughts thunk whilst packing...

Dear Reader, I am moving. And this means I have spent a LOT of time this week packing up all my belongings and eating bacon with my fingers out of despair. Here are some things that have crossed my fevered mind in this time



THOUGHTS THUNK WHILST PACKING

• I could just throw all my stuff away right? I mean, it's just STUFF. I don't need it-I could start a zen new life of not actually owning anything!
• WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY FAIRY LIGHTS
• How many forks do I actually need for the next week?
• I haven't read this book!
• I forgot I had this book!
• Jesus, why do I have THAT book??
• I have too many books.
• What the fuck is that?
• IS IT MOVING?
• I think I may have packed myself into a corner...
• But WHY can't I take my bed with me? I love it so!
• I need a motivational soundtrack
• SOMEONE BRING ME BOOZE
• Maybe if I just lay down for five minutes...
• SHIT, have run out of plastic bags to wrap things with!
• Batman mask-storage or new bedroom? New bedroom. Obviously.
• I have so many half finished moisturisers
• Maybe I should combine them into one super moisturiser!
• No. Now is not the time for inventions. 
• Oh shit. What clothes do I need...
• Do I need clothes? Can I not just have a naked week?
• I feel Vicki may not be too delighted to have a naked housemate, even just for a week.
• WHAT IS LIFE EVEN?
• Stay cool De'Ath, stay cool.
• No but seriously, I'm going to throw away all of this stuff
• All I will keep is a white kaftan and some sandals, I'll be like a little ginger buddah
• I need to buy a white kaftan
• Although it does get a bit cold in the winter, so a jumper too
• And boots, for when it rains
• And...oh bugger it, I'll just bring it all 
• Is that a fake eyelash? 
• NO IT'S A FUCKING SPIDER OH MY FUCK KILL IT KILL IT
• Oh, no wait...just a broken make up brush
• I have so much hoovering to do
• I hate hoovering
• I THOUGHT I HAD PACKED ALL MY STUFF HOW IS THERE STILL MORE STUFF

And then somehow, after a day of packing crates into a van, moving a kingsize mattress on my own and using powertools-I managed to trap my finger in a car door. So I am now cleaning my empty flat with a bruised and bleeding pointer. This is what you call skilfully clumsy.

Well Reader, I'm off to try and rid my flat of the spider squatters who have decided to take over our contact before we've even left!

Ash

x

Things that go through my head at 3.29am...

Reader, it is 3.29am and I am still awake. There are a number of reasons for this. I had a nap today that ended up being a bit too long, I drank too much diet coke too late, I ate too much cheese and now have heartburn, I'm excited about a script idea I had (and then wrote the full script for) and my brain won't shut up. So here is a list of all the things that have been going through my head tonight as I've lain in bed.



Things thunk.

• Maaaaan I shouldn't have eaten so much bad stuff today
• But all that cheese was tasty. And the giant yorkshire pudding filled with yumminess
• Although lunch alone was more calories than I should have in a day
• Why am I thinking about calories? I'll just have a green smoothie day tomorrow
• Maybe it's the green smoothies giving me heartburn
• Who do I think I'm kidding? It's the cheese. I wish it wasn't. Bloody Boursin. Being all delicious. 
• I wonder how I'd look blonde?
• I wonder how I'd look with blue hair?
• I should get blue hair
• Although that might slightly change my casting
• Let's be honest, I'm not badass enough to be a punk girl
• Quirky yes, punk, not so much
• Was that a spider?
• Nope, just a daddy long legs.
• Shit. That's annoying. STOP BASHING MY COMPUTER SCREEN.
• Who would I thank if I won a Bafta?
• Twelve people and counting
• I wish I could just wake up tomorrow with a driver's license 
• I've packed five boxes. Why does my room look messier?
• Why is there a spoon on my floor?
• Did I put it there for a reason?
• Is the spoon there to remind me of something? Like a knot in a hankie? 
• I wonder if anyone apart from Granddad Ian still uses actual hankies...
• I'm going to learn how to play the ukulele. 
• Crap, out of water AGAIN
• Can't get up, too cosy. Besides, hallways are where the shadow monsters live
• WHAT WAS THAT NOISE???
• Damn boyfriend....living on the other side of London...
• I really want some Millionaire's cheesecake
• No. No more dairy. Poor chest.
• Dairy is why I'm this curvy. I'm certain. My boobs are this big purely because of Wensleydale and Brie. 
• I need more boxes
• How the fuck am I going to get my bed out of the flat? I'll have to dismantle it before it goes to its temporary new home
• I COULD watch some more Dead Like Me on Netflix...Nah, save it for background noise tomorrow
• Is it autumn yet? 
• I'm going to miss all my stuff
• Need to apply for more work
• If I had more work I could rent the cutest little studio flat...
• Or a HOUSE if I lived in Yorkshire
• But then I'd have to live in Yorkshire. I'd miss the city too much.
• I bet my brother's awake
• Best not to call him though
• But I'm SO BORED.
• Fuck. Nearly 4am.
• Maybe I should try and sleep again.
• I could sleep in a hammock right now
• Mmmm....hammock....

And with THAT Reader, I feel able to try a doze....Goodnight! (or rather, good morning!)

Ash

x

Fringing...

Well Reader, here we are. In a couple of hours I'm getting picked up by the other bridesmaid and we're off to the wedding site, tomorrow I'm bridesmaiding all day and friday I fly to Scotland for my first night performing on The Fringe (sans Tech run, which is happening as I'll be giving a speech for my oldest friend over the wedding breakfast). I have so much to do that my brain has shut down-packing has turned into 'just shove some stuff in a bag and hope for the best', I have to do washing up, drying up, fridge emptying, emptying all the bins and change my sheets so when I arrive home at 7am after an all night coach I can just faceplant into bed. Oh, and I'm in the midst of trying to get in touch with our letting agent to prep for the big move back home. Which is proving bloody impossible.




So what am I doing? Blogging. Of course! I've also spent a large chunk of this morning sorting out my YouTube accounts-essentially I'm setting up a new one for just my acting stuff and auditions which you can see here  to compliment my usual vlogging channel. I've also been dealing with some less nice stuff. I filmed a vlog about feminism the other day, which has got a mostly lovely response. In it I talk about some of the reasons why I think we still need feminism and some of my not-very-nice experiences being a woman. And how most feminists love men too-we just want to be equal to them in the eyes of the world and be treated fairly. Which isn't a very drastic thing to say, but I've spent a while deleting comments and banning people from my channel for sending me and my viewers rape threats, calling me an 'ugly bitch' for having a perspective and calling my lovely regulars (not all of whom agree with me, but who all share their views in a reasoned, respectful and intelligent way) derogatory names. Why do we need feminism? Because a girl can't share her views without people telling her they'll share her home address with convicts and rapists apparently.

Don't worry though, I'm not letting that get me down. Because trolls aren't worth my time. Tomorrow I get to see my oldest friend get married to the love of her life, a man who looks at her like she's rare and wonderful (which, of course, she is), I'm off to Edinburgh with a cast of people I love spending time and acting with, and I spent yesterday kissing someone incredible as the sun set across The Thames. Beats some nasty little boil sitting squawking abuse at their computer, doesn't it?

Life is actually rather beautiful at the moment. And I feel really lucky to be living it. (Even if I STILL haven't finished packing...oh bollocks...)
See you in Scotland Reader!
Ash
x

Why I deleted Tinder...

Reader, I have a difficult relationship with online dating.

Here’s the thing. I am a true, die hard, hate to admit it, wants to be kissed in the rain whilst being told that ‘IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU’ romantic. The secret is out. Now, there are a number of issues with this. I set my friends up (a lot) because I want everyone to have a happy ending. When I go on dates, if that sparkle isn’t there, I just lose interest almost straight away (and those rare occasions where I have fought through and carried on dating regardless have never ended well). My underwear drawer looks like what the Brothers Grimm would have had in mind for their heroines (mixed with a little Dita Von Teese of course). I own just-in-case ball gowns. I play the ‘true love game’ on tube escalators (pretend you’re in your own rom com, and someone on the escalator going in the opposite direction is THE ONE. Pick anyone, then use your mental powers to make them look at you and ‘have a moment’. (Note; this can go horribly wrong if a) there is no one there you fancy-as you HAVE to choose someone, you might end up with someone dreadful b) you look a bit mad, as you try and make lightning come out of your eyes like Matilda c) They might get the wrong idea and think you’re angling for a shag or something) I also don’t fall in love particularly often. Actually, I don’t even fancy people particularly often. And my ‘type’ isn’t a physical type, it’s a completely personality based one-I like charming, funny men with a geeky streak (who are usually also creatively talented).

Now, part of me being a die-hard-romantic means that I’m not someone who can do casual dating very well. I don’t really LIKE dating (it always makes me feel like a kid pretending to be a grown up), and I find the concept of dating someone I barely know completely bizzare. The last guy I dated I’d worked with and then chatted to on social media for a month or so before I asked out (I KNOW! How bloody brave am I?!) and before that, my ex was someone who had been mentioned in conversations by a mutual friend for TWO YEARS before we dated (and there was a two week period where he showed up at all my auditions and socials, so we hung out a lot before anything actually happened).

So, last year, a dear friend of mine introduced me to Tinder. I had it on for three days, then turned it off, for a number of reasons. 1) I didn’t feel ready to date again after my relationship broke up 2) I kept seeing guys I knew on there 3) All of the men seemed to be really entitled. As in ‘YOU HAVEN’T MESSAGED ME IN A DAY YOU BITCH’ when I’d added them two days before. I messaged back saying, ‘I don’t know you, I don’t owe you anything. Have a nice day.’ Then logged off and deleted the app.

Roll on 10 months and I’d been in the dating pool for a while. My fantastic friend insisted on me downloading the app again so we could play it side by side in SoHo-him doing the ‘men looking for men’ version and me doing ‘men looking for women’. Reader, I won’t tell a lie-at first it was a confidence boost-I had an 100% success rate, with every guy I swiped right on having already said yes to my profile (not that I swiped right on many-when your type is based on personality quirks, Tinder can be tricky). But yesterday, at the airport, I deleted it again. Once more, without having been on a single date.

Why’s that? Well the problem with Tinder is that it makes you lose faith in romance. Can you imagine telling your kids ‘Well dear, daddy was posing topless with a doped tiger in his pic and I just thought-I know nothing about this man, but he’s the one!’ It’s all based on looks, which means it takes a while for you to work out how much of a twat someone is, plus, every time you get talking to someone, they turn out to be AWFUL.  Here are three of the worst I encountered:

    1)      The guy who looked really sweet, slightly geeky (yay!) tall and cute. Until I looked at his ‘about me’ line. ‘If you want to be dominated, you’ve found the right man. I know my way around a rope and will treat you mean’. Erm. No thank you. 

    2)      The guy who was gorgeous in a down-to-earth sort of way, sounded completely normal when we chatted, and then referred to black people by the n-word. OFF YOU FUCK.

    3)      Perhaps the strangest-a lovely property developer. A little older, wiser (one would hope), environmentally aware, dreamed of setting up home in Asia. Talked a little about how our families both came from Ireland, and we both went to schools in a similar area. Asked me if I’d like to go for a drink with him (very politely) and I said yes, but that I was busy for a week or so. Didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, till yesterday-when he sent me a photo of him in his pants. Completely unexplained. In the mid-afternoon. Nearly choked on my sandwich.

App deleted post haste.

I just don’t think it’s for me Reader. I am so confused by the whole thing-but then what was I thinking would happen when I went on a dating app based on what people look like? 

An issue I seem to have in the big wide dating world is that I look one way and am actually a bit different. I have big boobs and a wear big heels and flirt like billy-oh and sometimes wear highly glittery eyeshadow. But I am also a huge geek, secretly shy, prefer being barefoot to wearing any kind of shoes at all, am clumsy as anything, can't go out without two books in my bag, spend too much time baking and kind of want to be Batman when I grow up. Men meet me and think I'm one thing, then get to know me and get confused. So in hindsight, trying to meet someone where they judge you on appearance just would never work for me. 

So I'm going to take a risk Reader. I'm going to just hope I end up with someone the usual way. Well...not usual, I'm an actress, writer, vlogger and baker. I'm probably never going to be entirely conventional. And if that means not being on Tinder, I am fairly ok with that.

Have a lovely day Reader, and remember to check out my vlogs, new ones out every Tuesday and Friday! https://www.youtube.com/user/magenta/videos

Ash

x

How to make cookies the Ash Acting Up way....

Step one-oversleep.

 Step two-remember that it's your friend's birthday and you decided to bake as a gift, but you don't have any ingredients in the house

Step three-frantically get ready to dash down to Asda-overdress a bit (which is what inevitably happens when I rush to get ready)

Step four-buy too much chocolate because you can't remember what the actual measures are. Also buy some peanut M&Ms and Peanut Butter Cups because they were on sale and it would have been a crime not to.

Step five-set up array of ingredients. Be smug about your vintage mixing bowl.

Step six-220g of softened butter

Step seven-200g sugar (half brown, half white) 

Step eight-cream together, also coating everything nearby in the mix. Get annoyed because you can't hear your tv show over the blender

Step nine-chuck in an egg and a splash of vanilla extract. Spill a bit on your hand. Lick it off. Regret licking it off. Make cat-licking-a-lemon faces

Step ten-get distracted by an uplifting video about old ladies (you can watch it here: http://mostamazingviews.com/two-ladies-never-plane-reactions-first-flight-hilarious/)

Step eleven- realise that you still need another egg, since you misread the instructions. Bollocks.

Step twelve-chuck in 230g plain flour. Decide that since it's wheat free flour, that makes this a very healthy recipe. 

Step thirteen-add pinch of salt from adorable Christmas themed shaker, despite it being practically summer and mid-muggiest day ever rather than December

Step fourteen-a teaspoon each Bicarb of Soda and Baking Powder. Think about doing that teeth whitening thing you read about on Pinterest. Decide not to bother as it sounds gross and you can't remember whether it was bicarb soda or baking powder that you're supposed to use.

Step fifteen-60g of coco powder. Wonder how you make coco powder. Spend 2 minutes imagining a desert of coco powder instead of sand, with mirages of liquid chocolate fountains.

Step sixteen-mix motha fudger, MIX

Step seventeen-Resist urge to eat batter

Step eighteen-Chop up more chocolate than entirely necessary. (450g in this case....mmmm...)

Step nineteen-Get bored chopping. Wonder why you didn't just buy bags of chocolate chips. Remember that bars are far cheaper and you are an impoverished actress. Resume chopping but now also dream of winning the lottery.

Step twenty-Have a 50's housewife moment as you stir in your chocolate mountain

Step twenty one-Shape into small balls and place on greaseproof paper covered baking tray. Sing 'Salty chocolate balls' under your breath and snigger. Because you have the sense of humour of a 12 year old boy.

Step twenty two-Realise that you forgot to preheat the oven. Swear more.

Step twenty three-Set oven at 190 degrees. Go have a drink while the oven heats up.

Step twenty four- Put the cookies in and go do some work while they bake (apron optional)

Step twenty five- After aprox 15 mins, retrieve first heartachingly perfect tray of cookies from oven

Step twenty six-Go to line the next tray and realise you're out of greaseproof paper. Swear.

Step twenty seven-Grease tray with 1cal spray and hope for the best

Step twenty eight-Wonder if you have potentially made too many giant cookies. Eat 3 just to even things out a bit

Right reader, I am going to go and collapse in a chocolatey mess. Have a great day, and bake well!
Ash
x
P.s. Don't forget to go check out my most recent vlog! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFj_mZCqfY

Sunday Evening Sulk (otherwise known as The Day She Ate Cous Cous Mixed With Pasta...)

Reader, do you ever have one of those evenings where you just want to fling your hands up in the air in exasperation, lock yourself in a padded room and eat Rolo yoghurts whilst scowling at the door? This evening has been one of those.

 

this is a blobfish. He doesn't like Sundays either)

Granted, it is a Sunday evening, and despite being freelance and Sundays not meaning the same as what they do to most people, I still find find them utterly irritating. Not because I have work tomorrow (for I had work today, so it's not too painful to just carry on working) but because the rest of the world has decided that on Sundays, EVERYTHING MUST CLOSE EARLY. And no one is working apart from me, so I have to wait EXTRA LONG to hear back from anyone. Which, for an incredibly impatient person like myself is a death sentence.

So I was already a little uncomfortable anyway. Not helped by the fact that my knee socks kept falling down and my slip kept riding up. The whole way into and back from Central London I was tugging at my clothes like something out of a Carry On film.

Then I spent all afternoon playing a woman in the depths of an emotional and psychological breakdown. Which meant accessing some not very nice feelings which are not that easy to shake off. (You know when an actor does a really realistic bit of acting where they are really, really sad? They are often actually making themselves feel those emotions, so don't take it to heart if they're a bit weird with you afterwards). I love love love acting and I love love love the particular part and speech I was doing today, but it's rough on the old emotions.

Which is probably why, when I arrived home, exhausted and vaguely tearstained, my nap gave way to a particularly horrific and intensely realistic dream (one of those ones that not only reminds you of heartbreak you'd been trying to ignore in a very visceral way, but also shows you things that shouldn't be shown in an 18 rated horror film because they were too shocking and then takes a big ol' crap on something you were very excited about? Yeah. One of those.)

'But this is fine!' Thought I. For today was the day I could be lenient with my diet! And I was going to watch films and eat Chinese food with my lovely housemate! That would cure my ills!

Not so. My poor housemate got back so late that the restaurant wouldn't deliver, and because it was Sunday and everything was closed, including the Asda up the road (again...grrr....) I ended up having a pathetic 'treat day' dinner of cous cous, pasta with slightly gone off pesto salad dressing, stale cheese and a sausage. Which was only a 'treat' because it was carby. Now I feel stodgy and I didn't particularly enjoy it. And have to wait another week for my next flexible diet day (I am a massive foodie so this is a very sad thing for me).

So I had a bath. Only, our hot water is rubbish and my 'luxurious hot bath' was actually a tepid bath, where the bubble bath didn't bubble properly and simply sat in a slick on top of the water like a natural disaster. The bath mat my mum got for us to stop me falling over like an old codger again has decided that whilst it doesn't like being removed from the bath, moving along the entire length of it is fine and dandy, so whenever I shifted I'd be flung halfway up the tub, and then, when I finally (grumpily) got into bed, my fitted sheet decided to do that irritating thing where one corner makes a bid for freedom. I was so cross that I didn't even fix it. I just lay on top of it and started this blog entry. The thing is, on a day where I was in a good mood, none of these things would have bothered me, in fact, I would have laughed gaily at them as I skipped past and not given them a second's thought. I think I'm just in a foul mood today. Luckily, I have realised that it's not the fault of anyone else, so I haven't been too whingey. (and then this blog entry happened...whoops...)

Ah well Reader. As Scarlett O'Hara so wisely says 'Tomorrow is another day!' Maybe I'll wake up on the right side of the bed when my alarm goes off!

Till then, I'll leave you with the vlog I released earlier today about things I think when I get drunk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7eCgcUNQJk

Sleep tight Reader! And have a marvellous tomorrow!
Ash
x