Sunday Evening Sulk (otherwise known as The Day She Ate Cous Cous Mixed With Pasta...)

Reader, do you ever have one of those evenings where you just want to fling your hands up in the air in exasperation, lock yourself in a padded room and eat Rolo yoghurts whilst scowling at the door? This evening has been one of those.

 

this is a blobfish. He doesn't like Sundays either)

Granted, it is a Sunday evening, and despite being freelance and Sundays not meaning the same as what they do to most people, I still find find them utterly irritating. Not because I have work tomorrow (for I had work today, so it's not too painful to just carry on working) but because the rest of the world has decided that on Sundays, EVERYTHING MUST CLOSE EARLY. And no one is working apart from me, so I have to wait EXTRA LONG to hear back from anyone. Which, for an incredibly impatient person like myself is a death sentence.

So I was already a little uncomfortable anyway. Not helped by the fact that my knee socks kept falling down and my slip kept riding up. The whole way into and back from Central London I was tugging at my clothes like something out of a Carry On film.

Then I spent all afternoon playing a woman in the depths of an emotional and psychological breakdown. Which meant accessing some not very nice feelings which are not that easy to shake off. (You know when an actor does a really realistic bit of acting where they are really, really sad? They are often actually making themselves feel those emotions, so don't take it to heart if they're a bit weird with you afterwards). I love love love acting and I love love love the particular part and speech I was doing today, but it's rough on the old emotions.

Which is probably why, when I arrived home, exhausted and vaguely tearstained, my nap gave way to a particularly horrific and intensely realistic dream (one of those ones that not only reminds you of heartbreak you'd been trying to ignore in a very visceral way, but also shows you things that shouldn't be shown in an 18 rated horror film because they were too shocking and then takes a big ol' crap on something you were very excited about? Yeah. One of those.)

'But this is fine!' Thought I. For today was the day I could be lenient with my diet! And I was going to watch films and eat Chinese food with my lovely housemate! That would cure my ills!

Not so. My poor housemate got back so late that the restaurant wouldn't deliver, and because it was Sunday and everything was closed, including the Asda up the road (again...grrr....) I ended up having a pathetic 'treat day' dinner of cous cous, pasta with slightly gone off pesto salad dressing, stale cheese and a sausage. Which was only a 'treat' because it was carby. Now I feel stodgy and I didn't particularly enjoy it. And have to wait another week for my next flexible diet day (I am a massive foodie so this is a very sad thing for me).

So I had a bath. Only, our hot water is rubbish and my 'luxurious hot bath' was actually a tepid bath, where the bubble bath didn't bubble properly and simply sat in a slick on top of the water like a natural disaster. The bath mat my mum got for us to stop me falling over like an old codger again has decided that whilst it doesn't like being removed from the bath, moving along the entire length of it is fine and dandy, so whenever I shifted I'd be flung halfway up the tub, and then, when I finally (grumpily) got into bed, my fitted sheet decided to do that irritating thing where one corner makes a bid for freedom. I was so cross that I didn't even fix it. I just lay on top of it and started this blog entry. The thing is, on a day where I was in a good mood, none of these things would have bothered me, in fact, I would have laughed gaily at them as I skipped past and not given them a second's thought. I think I'm just in a foul mood today. Luckily, I have realised that it's not the fault of anyone else, so I haven't been too whingey. (and then this blog entry happened...whoops...)

Ah well Reader. As Scarlett O'Hara so wisely says 'Tomorrow is another day!' Maybe I'll wake up on the right side of the bed when my alarm goes off!

Till then, I'll leave you with the vlog I released earlier today about things I think when I get drunk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7eCgcUNQJk

Sleep tight Reader! And have a marvellous tomorrow!
Ash
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Active rest...

Reader, you might have noticed that I've been writing rather a lot of late. This is due (mainly) to the fact that I seem to have completely lost the ability to fall asleep at a normal time, and when I do, I get awoken by nightmares so need something to do to wear me out. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BRAIN. I'm good at sleep! Like, really good at it! Usually I can fall asleep whenever and wherever. On trains at 2 pm, uncomfy plane seats at 7 am, cars full of loud music, sofas in living rooms full of people. I like sleep! And I am exceptionally tired at the moment because of the change in seasons. But my head bubbles over. Here is a list of things that my brain likes to think just as I turn out the light and lay down:

STUPID STUFF MY BRAIN THINKS AT 1AM

• Hey. Hey Ash. Hey Ash-never mind.
• Oh man, I lost the game!
• I should get more socks
• I'm going to start eating healthily tomorrow.
• Do we have enough soup in the house?
• Who am I kidding, there's always enough soup in the house. I'm a soup hoarder! Hah. Soup whore.
• Mmmm, mushroom soup. Where is all the mushroom soup? Why can I never get it fresh? It's the best of all the soups. The Lord of Soupiness.
• If I have a kid, I'll definitely call it Dauphinoise. Hah. Potato head. Or Gratina. Or Chippadee. Man I'm craving spuds. 
• OH SHITE WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
• Chill woman. Probably just pipes.
• Does anyone actually live in the flat next door? I never hear them if they do.
• Man, sleeping alone is pants. I need someone to spoon with. Maybe I should just make a pillow man? 
• This pillow man is creeping me out. What if he came to life?
• Ok. Sleeping with no pillows. Not so fun.
• ALIENS oh no, hang on, that's just the Sky box
• Are there any single men left in the world who I'll be attracted to? Will I ever fall in love again?
• ALLL BAAAAAYYYYY MAAAAHHHHSEEEEEELF
• Shape up woman. You don't need a man! Tomorrow morning, we will go jogging.
• Hah. 
• Yeah right. Tomorrow morning is going to be cold as ASS. We will stay in bed. Especially considering it's....aw crap, is it seriously that late?
• Candy crush will help me sleep
• Aw man, out of lives. 
• I will not ask my facebook friends. I do not need to play more of this inane game.
• Damn, I really want to though.
• No! No, I shall read more Cracked articles till I doze off. 
• No more zombie articles for me. 
• I should move my bed so that if there was a zombie 'pocalipse I'd be able to shunt it against my door
• Ooh I should move my room about
• I really need to get more acting work. 
• I know, I'll audition for the Star Wars film!
• Although they want someone who looks 18
• I could totally get away with being 18!
• Or could I. Hum. Maybe I'll just put on some of that anti aging gunk again.
• Did I brush my teeth yet? 
• No.
• Wait, Yes! I did! Because I laughed at the vampire style toothpaste drips!
• Man I'm cool.
• I could read my book
• Wait....bollocks, I'm reading an intellectual one at the mo. Sod that.
• Although it might make me sleep?
• Nah.
• Incense! 
• I'm going to write a novel!
• After I finish my feature.
• That's going to take sooooo long. Like, years. 
• Bleh.
• When's my next day off? Oh, not for weeks. Good. 
• Being freelance is hard. I should get a 9-5 job and give up on this acting malarkey
• HAH who am I kidding! I just need to get paid more at the acting malarkey!
• I could so do Star Wars. *makes light saber noises*
• Ow my eye.
• I have none of that coordination stuff
• Housemate is asleep, else I could move my room around now-would it wake her up?
• Ok, never mind, I'm pretty sure knocking that book off my bed just woke up the entire street
• Man I have a lot of stuff on my bed
• Then again, my bed is huge, there's room
• Especially given that there's only me in it, aw shame! Why do I always just bunch up in one corner of it? 
• Wow. Laying in the middle is WEIRD.
• Mmmm, Neil's yard wild rose balm
• IT'S IN MY EYES
• I have too many products on but DAYMN I smell good!
• Wait, did I take off my make up before I put all these products on? 
• Oh crap, I look like a pantomime dame
• Sod it. It'll deter murderers, they'll think I'm one of their own.
• Not that there are murderers in the house. Are there?
• Oh crap. The noise is back!
• I should put up more pictures tomorrow
• Need to order wellies for filming in December
• Need to get the rest of the Christmas pressies too
• HAHAHAHAH my godson's pressie is RIDICULOUS. Must remember to get him a birthday pressie too.
• Maybe a costume. Ok, what have we got him so far....the Darth Vader one was cool...maybe a Captain Kirk one to even out the playing field? I don't want him to feel forced into loving Star Wars....although it's clearly the best choice. I feel like he should be educated on both sides.
• Crap, my nails are a MESS! Must remember to do them before I go tomorrow
• I should go on a holiday by myself. To New York! 
• I have no money. 
• How do I get blogging to get me money?
• I should get people to pay me to write about stuff. Like...erm...boobs. And Books!
• Oooh I could write a blog called Lasciviousness and literature! Or a vlog. Although given that name, it would probably have to be me nekkid doing book reviews. Little brother would be so horrified!
• Now I REALLY want to do that!
• Where's dad's camera? 
• Will dad let me steal the camera?
• Man I wish I could edit like Anna Akana and Katers17!
• Didn't I learn how to do that in media studies at A-Level?
• Man I wish I'd paid attention!

And it goes on and on until all of a sudden I wake up and BOOM it's daytime and I have suitcases under my eyes!

Ah well, let's give it another try eh?

Night night Reader!

Ash 

x

Fear factor...

Reader, I am addicted to being scared. Horror films, spooky books, stories about ghosts and real life haunted houses, even people passing on urban legends late at night after a couple of drinks, I love it all. That is, I love it all when I can go home and get into a shared bed. Slightly less now that I have to sleep alone. With a big full length mirror facing me. And a red curtained window next to me. And a bed that has plenty of space for a ghost/demon/murderer/monster (delete as appropriate) to hide beneath it, waiting to get it's claws/knife/big clown hands on me.

So for the time being, I am attempting to avoid scary things. Now, this isn't particularly easy, given that
a) I have two scary but brilliant books next to my bed begging and pleading to be read
b) I am in a play that features a character who is essentially a spider given woman's form (and I have a very over active imagination)
c) Norwich has a ghost walk I really really want to go on

The thing is, when I was a kid I had really severe, quite terrifyingly grown up nightmares. And I have a sneaky suspicion that they might tiptoe back if the door is even open a crack for them (and take the place of the very humdrum nightmares I have now about forgetting lines, accidentally smoking and The Lad cheating). Don't believe they were bad? Here are a couple of the ones that scared me so much I slept with the light on for a good few years of my childhood (which is probably why my skin has such a delightful yellowish waxy tone to it nowadays)

1) The butcher


This one (I assume) must have quite a bit to do with seeing Hong Kong meat markets as a kid, mixed with the usual child nightmare of parents splitting up. Bear in mind I was about 5/6 when I first had this one.

My parents have got a divorce. I am surprisingly ok with this, so my mum takes me to meet her new boyfriend, a cheery, chubby chap with a bald spot. We go to his bungalow and he and mum sit, chatting about various old relationships they've had in his chintzy front room. Eventually, I get bored and decide to go fetch a drink. Without them noticing, I slip off the sofa and out of the door. When I get into the hallway (which is very femininely decorated, a bit like a maiden aunt's home) I see a number of heavy doors, none of which are marked. The one ahead has a humming noise like a fridge or something coming from it, so I realise that it must be the kitchen. With all my strength I push open the door and tumble in. Looking round, I discover that rather than being in a kitchen, I am in a giant meat freezer, complete with bloodied carcasses of meat hooked from the ceiling. When I take a closer look, I see they're the naked bodies of middle aged men, and somehow realise that these are the partners of all mum's new boyfriends' exes. Suddenly, his voice rings out from the doorway, 'She didn't know about him,' he booms, as I back into the swinging body of my father (only to find I can't scream), 'but she gave me permission for you!' He advances at me with a hook in one hand as my dad's hand twitches and I realise that he's not yet dead, but can't help me, because he is so horribly injured by the hook he himself hangs from. And I know I'll be joining him soon.


Creepy right?! I was so young! HOW DID MY BRAIN COME UP WITH THAT?!?!

2) The Dark Thing


So this one was when I was a bit older, about 8 or so, and you have to bear in mind that camping in my cousins garden was something we were pretty likely to do, both being big fans of american kids stories like The Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley High (where they did things like camp in the garden ALL THE TIME)

It's a very very clear, beautiful summer's night. Me and my cousin Nicki are camping out in her garden, without a tent, just with an old bed her parents are getting rid of anyway, so have let us use for the night as a bit of peter pan style glamour. Nicki gets into bed but before I go, I want to look into the pond, which is so still it's like a mirror. As I glance in, I see a dark shape soar above my head. I look up, but there's nothing to be seen so I assume it's a bird or a bat. I clamber into bed and say goodnight to Nicki, who's now drifted off anyway, so she can't hear me. As I close my eyes, dragged into sleep, the dark shape swoops down. It's not a bat, it's the size of a full grown man, but not a man. A formless being of evil who's only wish is to eat my soul and step inside to inhabit my body instead. I can't fight it off, I am already asleep.


Of course, the scary thing about this particular nightmare was that when I woke up from it, the shape was floating around my ceiling, before settling at the end of my bed, watching me as if waiting for me to fall asleep again, I screamed and screamed and my dad came running in and turned on the light, at which point it disappeared. Now, years later, I realise that it was a night terror (something which I've suffered a fair few times since with spiders), but as an 8 year old who couldn't logically work out what she was seeing, can you imagine how freaky that was?

You know what?

 I'm going to stop there and watch an episode or 10 of 30 Rock. Otherwise, there'll be no more sleep for me this month!

Tarrah folks! Dream sweet dreams....
Ash
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