For SERIOUS?

Reader, there are moments in life, where you have to stop, raise a cynical eyebrow and say 'For SERIOUS?' These moments always leave you a little speechless afterwards, like you can't believe how bloody ridiculous people/life can be. A fair amount of these have happened to me fairly recently. I feel like my eyebrow is perpetually raised, like a funny facial impression frozen by the wind changing direction.

• When a total stranger gives you the sleaziest, weirdest chat up line. 

This week I have had two. One man, wearing far too many layers for the spring warmth and smelling like spoiled milk hissed 'I'd wear you like a sock'. So many issues with this. First grossness levels-off the charts. Secondly-a sock? On your foot? That's really bloody weird mate. It would take a very specific type of gal to respond to that. It was so odd that I had the same inquiring smile that I'd had on when he'd leaned over to me frozen on my face for 10 minutes after. The second one was 'That bitch is f****n' unreal mate!' First off-calling me a bitch unless I know you and you're being hilarious-not going to evoke the best reaction. Secondly-given that you spoke up and pointed at me as you said it, I'm assuming you wanted me to hear. What did you expect was going to happen? That I would stop and say 'Why, so is that bastard! Good for you sir! You are as f****ng unreal as a unicorn!' I mean....what?

• When you pay a bill just to have another, even bigger one turn up. 

HOW ARE THERE SO MANY BILLS?! What, pray tell, are they going to start charging me for next? Air? Dancing in my kitchen without a licence?

• When a friend tells you their view on something and it is RIDICULOUS. 

Sorry-you're staying with the boyfriend that just cheated on you and hasn't said he loves you after two years? Because he could change? You think that foreigners should be sent back to their countries? But that it shouldn't count for you because you're 'second generation'? You are £4000 in debt but just bought a designer handbag? Oh yeah. You are all kinds of confused.

• Messages out of the blue from people who didn't want to date you before but now suddenly want a booty call. 

When I liked you, you couldn't be bothered with me. But now I'm no longer interested, the texts, emails and messages at 2am start streaming in. No. Bog off. You don't hold my attention any more because clearly I wasn't interesting enough to you when I was available. I am worth more than that thanks very much, but cheers for the late night offer!

• When you tell someone what you do for a living and they ask what you're really going to do as a job. 

Excuse you...I don't judge your incredibly dull but well earning office job, please do not judge my incredibly fulfilling dream job which pays just enough for me to pay my rent. 

• People who try and tempt you into having a cigarette. 

This is the second time I've managed to beat the addiction. There is literally NOTHING good about smoking and as an asthmatic who can't afford to buy fags, you should be delighted that I've managed to give up. Waving one under my nose going 'oh go on....just the one' will get you either a punch in the back of the head or soggy fags mixed in with your next meal. Please, you decide.

• When men you don't know call you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' in the workplace or when they're trying to sell something. 

Would you call a bloke that? No. Calling me things like this makes me feel like you're about to ask me if the man of the house is in. My friends, family and partners are allowed to use terms of endearments-the only strangers that can get away with that are elderly people who are being very lovely or anyone I allow to do my hair, make up or nails (the bond between beauty professionals and women knows no bounds)

What gives you the 'For SERIOUS?' face Reader? List answers below!

Ash

x

Guess who's back?

Hey Reader, sorry about the long blogging absence, I've been back from the tour since Sunday and as you can probably imagine it's been a bit of an adjustment period. In fact, I'm still adjusting. To the extent that I can't quite bring myself to go put my suitcase upstairs because I feel like I'm going to be on the train to East Anglia again tomorrow. But no, am officially a jobbing actor again. I should really go on holiday and have a rest or something, am so run down I look like a meth addict/hag who lives in a cave and eats eels but I'm really really poor at the mo, so that's not looking too likely. The Lad might be going on holiday with his friends, and thus will probably have to endure quite a massive sulk from me, given that we were supposed to be going away together but then he decided he wanted to go abroad for the summer and work (nope, that never happened, interviews for his PGCE had to take precedence, understandably). If it ends up with me being stuck in England and him prancing off somewhere balmy with his mates, I will be rather grumpy. I may be forced to spend some of my savings (for our future home together) and go off by myself on a cheapo last minute deal. Or (more likely, given my skintness) go and spend a while in my friend's house in eastbourne, having no heating but being able to go swimming in the sea at night after a few cocktails and eating chips out of greasy paper every day. Actually...that sounds like just the ticket...

Going back to work has been pretty weird too. On top of being so exhausted I can't hold a logical conversation, the whole of my floor is full of people I don't know, talking about how great and flexible the job is. Ok, so they're right. It is flexible. But I've been there on and off for a year now, and every time there's a new batch of workers, they say the same thing. Within a month it's all doom and gloom. And then a new batch come in, etc. I've slightly turned into a grumpy old biddy, crowing 'you'll learn!' at them in my head as I try and resist (and usually fail) the temptation of the vending machine.

I'll be back to my usual, irritatingly optimistic ways soon, after lots more chocolate and sleep. Till then, I apologise to anyone I snap at, I just have post-tour blues!

Before I go, I HAVE to tell you about the mad thing that just happened to me! I'd just jumped in the bath and dipped my head under when there was a positively FRIGHTFUL hammering at the door and ringing of the bell. Thinking my mum had forgotten her keys and had a work call to make, I leapt out of the bath, wrapped myself in a big old towel and legged it downstairs. Not my mother however. Nope, a massive Caribbean post man holding a parcel to be signed for. He sort of leered at me and went 'no school today then?' To be fair, the towel was hiding all my curvy bits and make up free, I look absurdly young, but still, I'm 24! 'Nope, bit old for that Mate' I said as I took the parcel and went to close the door to I could retire back to my bath 'Just my luck!' He letched 'Come for a drink with me tonight'. Reader, I've already told you I'm a moody cow at the moment. I just went 'NO, My bath is running, BYE.' and almost slammed the door in his face. But seriously! If I look so young that he thinks I should be in uniform then what on earth is he doing asking me out? The bloke was in his thirties! At the absolute oldest he must have assumed I was 18, but I have a sneaky suspicion he thought I was more like 15. Also, I'm in a towel, which makes me massively vulnerable, how dare he proposition me like that at my own door?! Where is his sense of professionalism? What a creep. Needless to say, double lock went on the door after that and I'll be ignoring the bell next time I'm in a towel, even if I'm SURE it's one of the family needing to be let in! 

On that creepy note Reader, I'm off to dry my hair!
Toodles!
Ash
x

Oh happy day....

Reader, I am a very positive person. Sometimes to ridiculous amounts. I try my hardest not to be a complainer, or to get too down in the dumps, because in my experience, positive attitudes attract positive results and negative attitudes attract...well, you get the picture. Sometimes, like anyone, I get a case of the blues, but it's very rare, and when it happens I work hard not to dwell on it. I have a cry, then fight my way back into a sunshiney disposition, even if I have to fake it till I discover I actually am happy again (believe it or not, this does work, it's like some kind of placebo!). Which is why I find I have very little sympathy for people who see life through grey tinted glasses. My brother has a tendency towards this, and it's been the cause of many an argument between us, with me  trying to shift him out of a bad mood, him insisting the world is out to get him, me talking about all the lovely things in his life, him talking them down till they sound a bit crap. It usually ends in me throwing a pillow at his head. I have also noticed this at work. We all complain about working in a call centre. It's only natural, it is after all, an incredibly boring job. However, there is a line between good natured 'ugh, this job stinks, I wish I could win the Euro Millions and retire to a small exotic island with a pile of books and a keg of pina colada' and 'This job stinks, I deserve better, I should be getting paid more, I cant take much more of this, how dare they make me try and sell wine to people who don't want it'. Get your head out of your arse. No one likes their job. Apart from maybe Bill Gates. Or Parkinson. And if you hate it that much? Change the job. Go and be a waiter, or a teacher, or a bus driver or an accountant.

Then you get people who just seem to like complaining. There were two women on the train from Chichester the other day who were whining about their high paid publishing jobs; 'Well they DID pay for the hotel, but it was only 4 star, the TV had Virgin rather than Sky and frankly the conference was a bore'. 'Did you get paid extra to go?' 'Oh yes, about 10 grand for 4 days, but it hardly seemed worth it for how bored I was'. I wanted to take them to some of the council flats in Tottenham and show them some of the amazing, cheerful people who live there on jobs that pay less than minimum wage, with three asthmatic kids, a buggered up lock on their door from people trying to break in and a bad case of damp in the walls. What's that old saying? Only boring people get bored. These are usually also the people who, when you say 'oh, how are you?' in a fleeting way, go 'I've been better' or 'Well, I had a crap weekend'. Day in, day out. Never 'Oh, I'm great, isn't it lovely and sunny?' or 'Fabulous! It's only a month till Christmas!'  or even 'Wonderful, it was cold today so I got to wear my favourite gloves'. No wonder they're bored, they don't bother looking for any joy in life!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're not allowed to be down in the dumps. I've been depressed before, I know how hard it is to get out of bed when everything seems bleak. What I do suggest though, is let yourself have a limited amount of time to bask in the misery. There's a difference between clinical depression that needs drugs and possibly therapy and someone just being a moody sod. Interestingly, the people I know with clinical depression are far less willing to force their blues on other people than the moody sods. My trick is that I allow myself one day, or even just a few hours, to indulge in being grumpy, I watch sad films, I eat a family sized bar of dairy milk and some potato waffles, I write incredibly self indulgent diary entries and I may even have a cry to my mum, and then when my 'allotted time' has passed, I force myself to try and be positive and look at the world in a new light. And it works. There have been studies done on the power of positive thinking and it's many benifits. Positive people are the ones that get the jobs, the friends, the great experiences, they even bloody live longer! And they're not positive because of these things, it's all because of the positivity that they have them.

So go out and smile Reader! Go listen to carollers at Covent Garden, eat a mince pie or a Coconut cupcake from Lola's, watch it's a wonderful life, have a duvet day. Be happy! It's a rather nice world out there after all. And you'll live longer. Or something.
Bye for now,
Ash
x
p.s. has anyone noticed I've really got into the christmas spirit?

Just one of those days

Reader, I definitely am in a funny kind of mood today. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and a bit of a headache, my limbs aching and just thought 'bleh'. Then all day I've been seriously pissed off. With everyone. With The Lad, for saying my dress showed too much of my boobs, then for not showing me enough affection, with our waitress, for being less than delightful, with my dad, for asking me to go to the shop, with The Lad again for spending too much time on the computer, with myself for resorting to food through boredom. I feel like I should have a sign tacked to my head saying 'avoid this highly narky girl' then a sub sign saying 'unless you have presents and chocolate and massages'. I'm even annoying myself. I'm NEVER grumpy, and when I am it's normally in a slightly ironic, amusing way, but today I feel like I just need my mum. Although it's probably a good thing she's not here, as even she would anger me in some way or the other when I'm in this sort of mood!

I've tried having a nap, a bath, watching some episodes of Buffy and reading children's books. Nothing is working. And now The Lad is narky because he's having computer troubles. And my Dad's narky because he's doing work on the family computer. Only the Brother is in a good mood, and his smugness at having actually done a days work is actually peeving me even more. Although why should it? To be fair, he actually did the work, which is more than I would have done at his age, and thus he deserves to be a bit smug! Try telling that to my narkiness though. So generally it's a nark-tastic house at the moment. And now it's almost 20  past 8 in the evening and I'm STILL vaguely annoyed with the world and I can't put my finger on why. Which does not bode well for sleeping tonight. I may just lay there huffing grumpily to myself while The Lad dozes. And then I'll be in a bad mood at work tomorrow-utter hell for the people I'll be trying to sell wine to!

On the plus side, I'm going for a measuring on Tuesday for a piece of supporting actor work that, if I get it, will mean that for the whole of September I won't have to work at the call centre. WISH ME LUCK! If I get it, it would be truly amazing, I'd get to go act every day and get paid rather a lot for it, and hopefully still have time to do organising things like getting my showreel sorted *can't believe I still haven't finished that* although that largely depends on quite a bit of filming I'm still waiting on, which I can't really get it done without.

Anyway, I'm off to go annoy another member of the household, see if I can transfer my nark to them!
Bye Chaps!
Ash
x