For SERIOUS?

Reader, there are moments in life, where you have to stop, raise a cynical eyebrow and say 'For SERIOUS?' These moments always leave you a little speechless afterwards, like you can't believe how bloody ridiculous people/life can be. A fair amount of these have happened to me fairly recently. I feel like my eyebrow is perpetually raised, like a funny facial impression frozen by the wind changing direction.

• When a total stranger gives you the sleaziest, weirdest chat up line. 

This week I have had two. One man, wearing far too many layers for the spring warmth and smelling like spoiled milk hissed 'I'd wear you like a sock'. So many issues with this. First grossness levels-off the charts. Secondly-a sock? On your foot? That's really bloody weird mate. It would take a very specific type of gal to respond to that. It was so odd that I had the same inquiring smile that I'd had on when he'd leaned over to me frozen on my face for 10 minutes after. The second one was 'That bitch is f****n' unreal mate!' First off-calling me a bitch unless I know you and you're being hilarious-not going to evoke the best reaction. Secondly-given that you spoke up and pointed at me as you said it, I'm assuming you wanted me to hear. What did you expect was going to happen? That I would stop and say 'Why, so is that bastard! Good for you sir! You are as f****ng unreal as a unicorn!' I mean....what?

• When you pay a bill just to have another, even bigger one turn up. 

HOW ARE THERE SO MANY BILLS?! What, pray tell, are they going to start charging me for next? Air? Dancing in my kitchen without a licence?

• When a friend tells you their view on something and it is RIDICULOUS. 

Sorry-you're staying with the boyfriend that just cheated on you and hasn't said he loves you after two years? Because he could change? You think that foreigners should be sent back to their countries? But that it shouldn't count for you because you're 'second generation'? You are £4000 in debt but just bought a designer handbag? Oh yeah. You are all kinds of confused.

• Messages out of the blue from people who didn't want to date you before but now suddenly want a booty call. 

When I liked you, you couldn't be bothered with me. But now I'm no longer interested, the texts, emails and messages at 2am start streaming in. No. Bog off. You don't hold my attention any more because clearly I wasn't interesting enough to you when I was available. I am worth more than that thanks very much, but cheers for the late night offer!

• When you tell someone what you do for a living and they ask what you're really going to do as a job. 

Excuse you...I don't judge your incredibly dull but well earning office job, please do not judge my incredibly fulfilling dream job which pays just enough for me to pay my rent. 

• People who try and tempt you into having a cigarette. 

This is the second time I've managed to beat the addiction. There is literally NOTHING good about smoking and as an asthmatic who can't afford to buy fags, you should be delighted that I've managed to give up. Waving one under my nose going 'oh go on....just the one' will get you either a punch in the back of the head or soggy fags mixed in with your next meal. Please, you decide.

• When men you don't know call you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' in the workplace or when they're trying to sell something. 

Would you call a bloke that? No. Calling me things like this makes me feel like you're about to ask me if the man of the house is in. My friends, family and partners are allowed to use terms of endearments-the only strangers that can get away with that are elderly people who are being very lovely or anyone I allow to do my hair, make up or nails (the bond between beauty professionals and women knows no bounds)

What gives you the 'For SERIOUS?' face Reader? List answers below!

Ash

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