Reader, today, Stylist magazine declared high heels were 'OVER'. To this, I toss my hair, laugh, and strut away on my 4 inchers. Yesterday I cracked out my high heeled boots. I was trying to embrace feeling all womanly and fabulous despite being a little heavier than usual (as per my last blog entry which you can see here) so I picked out a dress that always makes me feel cute and whacked on the stilts. And you know what? Even though my walk to the station was a little bit like Bambi learning to walk, it totally worked. By the time I arrived in Angel, I felt like a DIVA. I even caught myself doing the 'through the eyelashes' look at people on the train, and a side smile, as if I knew something no one else did (yes, when I wear a damn fine pair of high heels I start thinking I'm in a Flake advert...). By the time I made it home, even though my make up had inevitably smudged all over my face thanks to a very hot theatre auditorium leaving me looking like a cross between Claudia Winkleman and a crack addict, I still felt like a saucy minx. Isn't that incredible? That a pair of shoes with (essentially) a stick attached to the back can make you think you're a catwalk queen? It may not be very fashionable to love high heels, but brogues just don't make me feel as wonderful. So here, for your reading pleasure is:
10 Reasons Why High Heels Are Heaven
1. You are on eye level with most people. Or you are taller than them.
When (like me) you have a large bosom, taller people can't help looking at it. Because they have to look down to look at you. In a way, it's like a visual trick-because they're looking directly down into your cleavage, your boobs are more distracting. I love being on eye level with others, partially because of the boob thing, but also because you have more power if you can look someone in the eye or stand taller than them (ever wondered why the boss has the biggest chair in meetings?). If I feel like someone thinks for whatever reason, that I am incapable of doing something (usually because I sounds and look a lot younger than I actually am) I make sure to wear power boots and a smart outfit when I first meet them. It may just be that I feel so confident in my amazonian outfit that I emit waves of hypnotising 'agree with me' enzymes, but often, I find that it works!
2. Instant 'Leg Stretch' sex appeal
There's this thing. And it's BRILLIANT. I've used it, a million times to get a guy's attention. The best thing about it is it's so subtle you'll look like you have NO IDEA you're doing it (ok, sometimes I actually don't realise, at times like that I probably have foot cramp.) You cross your legs, dangle one foot in the air and slowly rotate your ankle. Veeeeerrry slowly. And you pretend to be completely busy with something else. For some reason, the men in the room become tranfixed by your ankle (surely not a sexy area?) I don't know why it works, it just DOES. And it only seems to work in stiletto heels. Or barefoot (but you'll need nicely painted nails and an anklet-which I never have either of).
Reader, my bed is my office. I learn scripts there, I write there, I edit vlogs there and I do the freelance admin work that pays my bills there (one day I hope to scrap that last one and just do the others for money). As such, I find that I have TERRIBLE posture. Genuinely awful. High heels make all that go away. Suddenly my back straightens up, my shoulders drop and my neck elongates. I'm a ballet dancer bitch.
You know what? No amount of Bikram is going to remove the fact that I am a curvy lass. And I'm cool with that. The nice thing about heels is that they sort of elongate everything and make me look more like Christina Hendrix and less like Gimli. Cute though ballet pumps and sneakers are, they just don't do wonderful things to the leg like a pair of spikes.
When you leave a room peeved off, not only will you be doing it with grace and elan, but your ass will also look amazing. You may be sulking about the fact that you just lost an argument, but at least you won at being a DIVA. Also, if someone REALLY pisses you off you can sexily ('accidentally') stomp on their toe as you leave. Heels as a weapon, fo sho.
6. Variety (is the shoe of life)
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be shoe-ist, but all flats kind of look the same to me. Apart from boots (which are an exception to EVERY rule and yes, I do want a pair of flat boxer boots very very much), I don't think I've ever gone up to any woman and told them their flats were amazing. Heels, yes. For some reason, designers are just more inventive with heels. Maybe it's the inherent sexuality attached to them. Maybe it's the fact that grown ups who love fashion and are prepared to fall over a lot wear them. Maybe it's that they are the skyscraper of shoes. But go into a shoe shop and I can guarantee you that the heels will be more enticing than the flats. Buying flats always feels like a utility purchase to me. Heels are pure luxury.
7. The come hither saunter
Ok, so I realise that I've talked about walking a lot-but there are so many different walks one can do in heels that there is quite a bit to cover. The saunter away, with a look back over the shoulder and then a bite of the lip is what we describe as the 'come hither saunter' and it only really works in heels. Think of it as what Jessica Rabbit would do if she was trying to get someone's attention or Monroe or Michelle Pfeiffer...can you imagine them doing their thang in a pair of flats, however glittery? No! They value their stilettos-or they go barefoot! (Like most high heel fans, I love being barefoot just as much-I would much rather be barefoot than wear flat shoes in fact!)
8 Shoe pride
Saying you can walk in a pair of heels is a LIFE SKILL. It's hard work. I feel you should be able to list in on your cv. There's nothing nicer than the smug feeling of seeing someone who can't walk in kitten heels, when you've just made it look easy in stilettos *although I fall over in flats, so I can hardly talk*
9. You walk slower, so you take in more of the world
You actually do. You're forced to be languid and you get to see more of the world around you! *or floor around you, if you're the girl who can't walk in kitten heels...* (pic related-it's a sloth. Yes, ok, so this one may have been just an excuse for me to feature an extremely cute baby sloth picture, but do you REALLY care?)
10. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MOTHERFUDGING PRINCESS
Did Cinderella wear glass ballet pumps? NO. It's all about the heeeeeels baby!
So yeah! Heels win and that's that! Now, I'm not saying I don't own flats. I do! And they are comfy and for that I love them. But they will never fill my heart with the simple joy of a pair of wedges.
But then Reader, apart from vast amounts of food, very little does!