Reader, today was such a beautiful day. The sun shone and in North London, everyone looked brighter and prettier. Even the football yobs looked cuter and less gruff. Meanwhile, I could not settle. Which seems to be a metaphor for my life at the moment. As an actor, life is never going to be simple and straightforward and easy. I know that. At the moment I am struggling a bit with it though. The thing is, I'm in my mid twenties and all my friends are starting to settle down. I am fully booked with weddings this year and I have a lot of new babies to meet. Mortgages are being bought, people are earning enough to go on nice holidays and invest in pensions. While all that is going on, I am facing the possibility of having to move back in with my parents in August, trying to decide if a short term move to New York would make sense for my life at the end of this year/beginning of next, waiting to see 3 films I've shot this year and waiting to hear back about the feature film that is potentially a career changer, that I've been promised a main part in but don't have a contract for.
Life feels like it's very wispy at the moment. Which doesn't make me want to give up being an actor, even though it's a bit scary. It makes me wish I wanted to do something else. But I don't. I have to be an actor. I can't even contemplate doing anything else (believe me, I've tried). It's difficult to think of my life being so transient when I'm older, which is why I'm trying to come up with more ways to keep money coming in (like writing and vlogging-hopefully things which will keep me acting for longer if I can work out a way to monetise them). The thing is, I think I could handle being skint and flighty forever-if it wasn't for the fact that I want children. If you're a regular reader, you'll know that I had a health scare a couple of years ago that led to me being forced to work out quite fast if I wanted kids or not and the positive that came out of an unpleasant situation was that it helped me realise how I needed to be a mother. But you can't be a mother if you can't support the child.
Saying that, some things give me hope. My mum told me recently about how she sat in her car once when I was very little as the radio told her that interest rates on mortgages had gone up and just cried because she was convinced they were going to lose our house. Then she thought about it and realised that she could always move (with me-aged 6, my father and my baby brother aged 1) into the top bedroom of her parents home. She was in her mid thirties at that point and it really reassured me. Yes, I have chosen a career that will take me up and down and all around the hedges, but if my mother (the strongest woman I know, who now runs an incredibly successful business and lives in an insanely beautiful house with my dad) in her mid thirties was married, had a 'proper' job and was not in the middle of an economic depression and STILL dealt the prospect of moving back in with her parents (with two kids and a husband no less), then maybe I shouldn't give myself so much of a hard time about the idea of moving back in with mine for a couple of months. Especially when doing so could mean moving to New York for a while (and thus fulfilling one of my big dreams).
The thing is, if I could afford holidays, a house and knew EXACTLY where my life was going while working in a 9-5 job that I wasn't really passionate about, I truly believe I would end up killing myself or shaving my head in roughly a week. Life as an actor may be really difficult sometimes and I may be so poor that I have to accept food parcels from my parents on occasions, but the pay-off, getting to feel completely fulfilled every time I go on stage or see one of my films on the big screen or tv or hear my voice at an awards ceremony or on the radio, is worth it. The moments when I'm sitting in a recording booth or playing out a scene make every time I've worried about my bank balance, cried over a boy, felt fat or been lost out on jobs suddenly not matter. Because I know what I'm doing. And I feel incredible. I feel high, like I've taken the worlds best drug or spun round in a circle for an hour. I can't even explain it. I'm addicted. It's better than sex or chocolate or winning monopoly. It's even better than finishing the Evening Standard crossword by myself in less than four stops on the tube.
Which is why, even though I'm scared about the future, I can't kick the habit just yet. Because it feels much, much too good. Acting is like having an incredible affair with James Bond. He's not always in the country but when he is-DEAR GOD.
Get it Reader?
Ash
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