You too could save the life of a small donkey by giving us all your money...

Readers, I implore you, please be nice to the people who call you up to ask for charitable donations, because I am now one of them! 

Yes, I have joined the ranks of hundreds of other creative-types and started working in a call centre. I'm pretty lucky as it's a rather nice one, with regular breaks, people flicking through heat magazine and a posh organic/fair trade/eco-ponce cafe just next door. We even have windows. The people are nice and wear colourful clothes, they play games like 'pass the booze' and have big parties if they reach their target, and I'm working in aid of charity, specifically cancer research, which is something I am VERY passionate about, having lost a number of wonderful people to it. 

That's the nice bit.

The not so nice bit is that people don't like being called up and asked to give money. Even if they're only being called up because they sent a text saying the government isn't being nice enough to radiotherapy patients, they're not too keen on doing it themselves by sparing not very much at all a month. They do not answer politely, nor do they understand why you're asking them three times, each time with a different amount. They do not act in polite, friendly ways. Instead, I have had the following conversations today:

Woman: 'Look, I give money every year to charity so there's no way I'm giving you anything'

Me: 'Well that's so fantastic madam, it's really wonderful that you give so generously, but you see it's not really about the amount you give, it's more the regularity' tells her what the charity have been up to but is cut off by

Woman: 'No! I will not give any money! I am generous enough as it is, I can't believe that you are so dense!'

Me: (as part of the job we're supposed to ask 3 times for a monthly donation) I completely understand madam tells her some of the amazing things the charity has achieved recently and asks for a tiny, tiny amount. Not even 80p per week

Woman: ARE YOU DEAF? YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! 

dial tone....

Me: 'Uh...hello?' 

Me: Hello sir, I'm Ash calling from charity name just to say a big thank you for supplying your details for the charity campaign, may I just verify your details for the petition?

Man: Go away, I know what you want, I know your type, I won't give you a penny, so don't bother calling me again!

dial tone....

Me: 'Sigh'

Me: Hello, I....

Woman: YOU AGAIN!?!

Me: Uhm...sorry madam, I don't believe I've ever spoken to you?

Woman: THIS BLOODY NUMBER KEEPS CALLING ME, I DON'T CARE ABOUT CANCER, I DON'T BELIEVE IN CHARITY, DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN!

Me: Oh, terribly sorry about that, I'll make sure...

dial tone...

Me: 'Bollocks'

So as you can see, it's not an easy job! Although there are some nice moments. When someone donates, you feel so proud, like you've really achieved something great for charity. And today I overshot my target and did the best in my group which was lovely! Also, if you get someone to donate, you get a round of applause, which makes you feel like a hero. Until the next person on the phone swears at you that is. I think maybe it's a form of Karma actually. I've spent years making up massive excuses and making lightsaber noises into phones to telephone workers, pretending it's static, maybe it's all those years catching up with me. I don't think I was ever that awful to charity workers though.....Karma is a bitch!

In other news, I had a complete baking disaster the other day. The Lad had managed to get himself a job, so I decided to make a lemon meringue pie to celebrate. Only problem was I got condensed and evaporated milk mixed up, resulting in a pie that was perfect meringue, lovely pastry but the most atrocious, bilious tasting lemony bit ever. It looked like bogeys. Some treat! Of course, once again, Karma came about as the Lad force fed me a slice, bleh....

Also, my film has had to be postponed for a couple of weeks as the DOP has got paid work, which, let's be honest, he could hardly turn down! I mean, I wouldn't. Man, I could use some moolah....I'd spend it on cake. NOM! Or pizza, I love pizza so very much. It's probably a good thing I can't afford any of those things, I'd be obese and would have to play comedy characters for the rest of my acting days. It's also probably a good thing that the shoot has been put off a bit, I need more time to come round to the idea of that sex scene! 

That's all for now chaps

Ash

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