Social spanner made of chocolate

Reader, it may surprise you to learn that I am utterly useless at meeting people. 'No!' I hear you cry (by the way Reader, you sound like Brian Blessed in my head), 'Surely not, for you are an actor, all actors are good with people! Also, you have a blog! You talk to people via the magical medium of electrickery! You are a social bee!'

Sadly this is not the case. I am utterly useless with people. All people. Even friends that I have known since I was 7. It's not a lack of wanting to socialise, it's more that although although with my intimate family I can chatter away to my hearts content and broach long and interesting conversations about how there hasn't been a great female writer since Du Maurier and psychoanalyse my mother's dreams and come up with fun party games, with anyone else, I am like someone with a stutter and a brain sweating with malaria. And possibly rabies. I make no sense, I inadvertently insult people that I am trying to compliment, I trip over my words (and pronounce them wrong) I never know what to say ever in any situation, especially when I'm around people I like and respect. I am a social buffoon. I can't even blame it on aspergers because I am not touched by the disorder, just really crap with people generally. Balls. Luckily, I have a great group of friends who see through the neurotic, hyperactive, stumbling-over-words front and love me for who I am. On the negative side, as an actress, networking and thus meeting new people is a big part of the job. Utter terror.

As you can imagine, being such a social nitwit hasn't helped my love life much. Usually when I meet someone I fancy it goes a bit like this:

Imaginary gorgeous bloke; 'Hi Ash, how's it going? You look nice today.'
Me: (Bangs head on wall somehow) 'HAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah and you're a man! With hair! <thinks: oh god, pull yourself together woman, sort yourself out and ask him how his day's been> 'Howsee Gay?' <thinks: Bollocks.>

So altogether I am amazed I've ever even managed to cop a cheeky snog. I even manage to do that awful text thing that most people only do when they're drunk, of texting the person you're writing about by accident. Usually saying really awful things like 'Oooohhhh baby, I'd so jump Imaginary Gorgeous Bloke's bones!' when they're sitting next to me.

But there is hope Reader! For after years of tripping myself up in those situations I have somehow managed to secure a boyfriend. God knows how. He seems to find my weird lack of social niceties endearing for some reason, so there's hope for you all! If I can find love anyone can! Of course, we only really managed to get together because of a social blunder on my front. The first time he met me, he overheard me saying far too loudly to a friend 'Cor, he's cute' when he was on the other side of the room, and thus we began!

I suppose in which case, my lack of any skills in that department have actually helped quite a bit....

WOO!
xxxxx