A list of things that are pointless...

Reader, I am avoiding doing the hoovering. So here is a list of completely pointless things that aren't linked in any real way.

Penguins use rocks to keep their chicks warm
Swans mate for life
Chips are amazing with real ice cream milkshakes
Night terrors tend to be on recurring themes (mine are usually spider related)
The King and Tinker pub in Crew's Hill is apparently haunted by a dead landlord
If you put a lump of ice cream into a glass of lemonade you get ice cream floats, which taste like cream soda
Ginger female cats aren't supposed to exist (which may explain why my old one was so thick)
If you put marmite in spag boll it makes it taste meatier (handy for Quorn mince!)
You should make your Christmas pudding in October then feed it booze till mid December
Zooey Deschanel's signature drink in New Girl is grenadine, lemonade, cherries and coconut rum. Mine is grenadine, lemonade, cherries and vodka
If you want to go blond but don't want to destroy your hair, you should just keep lightening it using the pre-dye stuff
Get mini cheddars. Put a small square of cheese on top of each. Microwave. PURE HEAVEN.
I have a tattoo of a rose on my hip
Putting avacado in your fruit bowl will make your bananas ripen quicker
Best Christmas film in the world: It's A Wonderful Life. Hands down.
When my mum asked my nan if she had any regrets in life, she said ' I wish I'd done more for the donkeys'. Er...what donkeys? No one knows.
Everyone needs different amounts of water. Not 8 glasses a day. You're supposed to go by the colour of your pee.
I have the worst hoover in the world
If you're tired or have a light headache, pinch the harder tissue between the thumb and index finger, it will release adrenaline
Craftfail. Look it up. Hillarious.
Ditto PinterestYouAreDrunk
Geekily awesome tv shows to watch: Buffy, Angel, Dollhouse, Warehouse 13, Eureka, Adventuretime
Home made exfoliator, way better than buying it: brown sugar, olive oil, lemon or lime juice
If you lose your voice, don't eat dairy or citurus or vinegar, steam every hour, drink hot water, eat manuka honey factor 30+ from the jar, gargle with olive oil in an emergency, don't whisper as it damages your vocal cords even more

And now I have to hoover.
Grumble.
Ash
x

Maternal instinct...

Reader, my body is driving me crazy. No, it doesn't have too much wrong with it in the normal sense, I still have all my limbs and my belly button is in the right sort of area, but at the moment it is flooded with hormones that are making me want to steal ALL THE BABIES.

The thing is, it's not just me. There are whispers going round my friendship group of girls my age suddenly getting broody for no particular reason, when none of us are sorted enough in our lives to sprog up. Most of us are single and on low incomes. The majority of us still can't work out our tax code or how to fix our tv when it goes wonky. But we've suddenly got baby vision, which is like having beer goggles but for tots. You see a screaming, snotty nosed midget in a peppa pig onesie and coo like it's a kitten. Pampers adverts make you cry. You suddenly start fancying men with secure jobs who think about health insurance and know how to do things with screwdrivers (weird for me, given I normally go for artistic men who have no idea which way is up). It's all very confusing. The thing is, I don't even want kids at the moment. My career is just starting to take off, I'm not in a long term relationship and I flatshare with one of my besties. But even I can't resist the allure of a tiny sock or a gummy grin.

There is of course, a solution to this. Babysitting. I am lucky enough to have the cutest godson in the world, and I am planning on doting all my love on him while he is still small and pudgy enough not to be able to escape fast enough. I with nourish him with lopsided cakes and really ugly crafts (it's becoming a tradition to make him crap that looks vaguely possessed). I will give him ALL THE CUDDLES. And then, when he gets shouty and crotchety I will hand him back to his parents. Perfect. I'm babysitting at the end of this month and I can't wait! I've also taken it upon myself to show my 8 year old cousin all of the best kids films ever made-we've done The Princess Bride, Jumanji and Labyrinth-next up The Slipper and The Rose, Miracle on 34th Street and Bugsy Malone.

The thing is, surely me and all my friends are way too young for this rush of hormones. Shouldn't this be happening in our thirties? We're only in our mid twenties! Have they been putting stuff in our water? Or is it that we eat too much cheese? Surely we should be out headbanging, drinking cocktails and being party animals, not stroking a tiny shoe and sighing over how small it is?

I, for one, am fighting the urge. I am young and I intend to have a lot more silliness and freedom and bohemian spirit in my life before giving in to the demands of my ovaries. I want to do quite a lot before I have kids. Here is a list (you know how I love lists)!

The things I want to do before I sprog up

Travel somewhere on my own, just for fun. New York maybe.
Swim in the sea at night again
Go to another all night party
Work out how to make proper Christmas cake
Live in a house with a garden (maybe that I own!)
Go to Asia again
Take proper burlesque classes
Learn how to drive
Work out how to make a bed like my mum does
Scuba dive again
Ski again
Do a feature film
Get published again
Perform in a huge London theatre
Meet the man of my dreams
Get married
Do more silly shoots with SJ
Do an Indie flick

Possibly not in that order though!

So don't panic Reader, I'm fighting the urge for a few years (whilst also encouraging my married friends to have kids that I can play with and dress up as ewoks)
Tarrah!
Ash
x

Active rest...

Reader, you might have noticed that I've been writing rather a lot of late. This is due (mainly) to the fact that I seem to have completely lost the ability to fall asleep at a normal time, and when I do, I get awoken by nightmares so need something to do to wear me out. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BRAIN. I'm good at sleep! Like, really good at it! Usually I can fall asleep whenever and wherever. On trains at 2 pm, uncomfy plane seats at 7 am, cars full of loud music, sofas in living rooms full of people. I like sleep! And I am exceptionally tired at the moment because of the change in seasons. But my head bubbles over. Here is a list of things that my brain likes to think just as I turn out the light and lay down:

STUPID STUFF MY BRAIN THINKS AT 1AM

• Hey. Hey Ash. Hey Ash-never mind.
• Oh man, I lost the game!
• I should get more socks
• I'm going to start eating healthily tomorrow.
• Do we have enough soup in the house?
• Who am I kidding, there's always enough soup in the house. I'm a soup hoarder! Hah. Soup whore.
• Mmmm, mushroom soup. Where is all the mushroom soup? Why can I never get it fresh? It's the best of all the soups. The Lord of Soupiness.
• If I have a kid, I'll definitely call it Dauphinoise. Hah. Potato head. Or Gratina. Or Chippadee. Man I'm craving spuds. 
• OH SHITE WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
• Chill woman. Probably just pipes.
• Does anyone actually live in the flat next door? I never hear them if they do.
• Man, sleeping alone is pants. I need someone to spoon with. Maybe I should just make a pillow man? 
• This pillow man is creeping me out. What if he came to life?
• Ok. Sleeping with no pillows. Not so fun.
• ALIENS oh no, hang on, that's just the Sky box
• Are there any single men left in the world who I'll be attracted to? Will I ever fall in love again?
• ALLL BAAAAAYYYYY MAAAAHHHHSEEEEEELF
• Shape up woman. You don't need a man! Tomorrow morning, we will go jogging.
• Hah. 
• Yeah right. Tomorrow morning is going to be cold as ASS. We will stay in bed. Especially considering it's....aw crap, is it seriously that late?
• Candy crush will help me sleep
• Aw man, out of lives. 
• I will not ask my facebook friends. I do not need to play more of this inane game.
• Damn, I really want to though.
• No! No, I shall read more Cracked articles till I doze off. 
• No more zombie articles for me. 
• I should move my bed so that if there was a zombie 'pocalipse I'd be able to shunt it against my door
• Ooh I should move my room about
• I really need to get more acting work. 
• I know, I'll audition for the Star Wars film!
• Although they want someone who looks 18
• I could totally get away with being 18!
• Or could I. Hum. Maybe I'll just put on some of that anti aging gunk again.
• Did I brush my teeth yet? 
• No.
• Wait, Yes! I did! Because I laughed at the vampire style toothpaste drips!
• Man I'm cool.
• I could read my book
• Wait....bollocks, I'm reading an intellectual one at the mo. Sod that.
• Although it might make me sleep?
• Nah.
• Incense! 
• I'm going to write a novel!
• After I finish my feature.
• That's going to take sooooo long. Like, years. 
• Bleh.
• When's my next day off? Oh, not for weeks. Good. 
• Being freelance is hard. I should get a 9-5 job and give up on this acting malarkey
• HAH who am I kidding! I just need to get paid more at the acting malarkey!
• I could so do Star Wars. *makes light saber noises*
• Ow my eye.
• I have none of that coordination stuff
• Housemate is asleep, else I could move my room around now-would it wake her up?
• Ok, never mind, I'm pretty sure knocking that book off my bed just woke up the entire street
• Man I have a lot of stuff on my bed
• Then again, my bed is huge, there's room
• Especially given that there's only me in it, aw shame! Why do I always just bunch up in one corner of it? 
• Wow. Laying in the middle is WEIRD.
• Mmmm, Neil's yard wild rose balm
• IT'S IN MY EYES
• I have too many products on but DAYMN I smell good!
• Wait, did I take off my make up before I put all these products on? 
• Oh crap, I look like a pantomime dame
• Sod it. It'll deter murderers, they'll think I'm one of their own.
• Not that there are murderers in the house. Are there?
• Oh crap. The noise is back!
• I should put up more pictures tomorrow
• Need to order wellies for filming in December
• Need to get the rest of the Christmas pressies too
• HAHAHAHAH my godson's pressie is RIDICULOUS. Must remember to get him a birthday pressie too.
• Maybe a costume. Ok, what have we got him so far....the Darth Vader one was cool...maybe a Captain Kirk one to even out the playing field? I don't want him to feel forced into loving Star Wars....although it's clearly the best choice. I feel like he should be educated on both sides.
• Crap, my nails are a MESS! Must remember to do them before I go tomorrow
• I should go on a holiday by myself. To New York! 
• I have no money. 
• How do I get blogging to get me money?
• I should get people to pay me to write about stuff. Like...erm...boobs. And Books!
• Oooh I could write a blog called Lasciviousness and literature! Or a vlog. Although given that name, it would probably have to be me nekkid doing book reviews. Little brother would be so horrified!
• Now I REALLY want to do that!
• Where's dad's camera? 
• Will dad let me steal the camera?
• Man I wish I could edit like Anna Akana and Katers17!
• Didn't I learn how to do that in media studies at A-Level?
• Man I wish I'd paid attention!

And it goes on and on until all of a sudden I wake up and BOOM it's daytime and I have suitcases under my eyes!

Ah well, let's give it another try eh?

Night night Reader!

Ash 

x

More chats with 17 year old me...

Oh god Reader, have realised that there is so much that I didn't tell my 17 year old self about. I'm going to have to call her back in. She's a bit of a pain in the arse really, but I'll feel awful if I don't at least warn her about some of the stuff to come. Alright, wish me luck! *sends out for tardis style takeaway*

Oh bollocks, I'm back here again

Enough of that attitude young lady! I've called you back to impart words of wisdom to you! Wise words! Of wisdom!

Are you DRUNK?!

Heheheheh.....maybe.....*falls off bed slightly before righting self and smiling proudly at clear dexterity and grace*

But we don't really drink that much!

Just wait till our 18th birthday...

I'm so excited! I'm going to dress up! It's going to be SO MUCH FUN!

Well, you're certainly going to dress up....unfortunately we don't remember much of the rest of the night. And we're sick on the costume.

Oh god, how cringe! At least I won't do it again.

Actually, after swearing off booze for almost a year, we go to uni and....well....alcohol happens. Our 19th is even worse. We get carried out of the student club! It's essentially all the fault of much more alcohol tolerant friends of ours. But it's not very elegant. And it happens quite a lot after that.

Tell me now. Am I an alcoholic?

Oh goodness no! Uni is just...quite full of booze in the first two years. You calm down a bit in the third year, what with being the social sec, you have to watch out for everyone else. And then you don't drink at all at Drama School and lose your tolerance for booze completely! Which leads to not coping with booze at all well on your theatre tour (although the vomming is always from hangovers, not on the night, and we think you actually weren't very well during all that because you were also quite unhealthy in other ways as well as hellish hangovers). Now you just get drunk on occasion and can handle your booze much better. Although your hangovers are never that fun. You do learn your limits though and stop thinking you can keep up with Hockey and Rugby players. Now you are perfectly able to have a few drinks, be tipsy, but still make good decisions whilst being a silly sausage too.

Well that doesn't really sound great. Can I just skip the drunken first two years of uni?

Oh sweetie....I wish I could tell you we could. But they give us some really great anecdotes. Like the time you lay on a hill with your bestie and yelled at the moon. Or the time you decided to sing a duet at karaoke and got a standing ovation. Or that hilarious time you were showing off your pole dance moved and karate kicked a girl's handbag across the room.

Ok. Those do sound quite brill. Wait....pole dancing?!

Yeah, you take lessons! And win an amateur competition. Don't worry, it's not something we want to do for money, but it is quite fun. (mumbles 'apart from that time you accidentally bring the pole down with you in front of your new boyfriend')

What was that last bit?

Oh, nothing that can't be called endearing at some point. Now listen, and listen hard. Keep the love of Edith Piaf to yourself for a while

But we LOVE Edith! *starts singing La Vie En Rose, badly*

Well yes, but everyone will think you're mad in your first year. Until you discover the drama society and then they get you. Also, please stop wearing so much eye liner. You look a bit like Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain is a SEX GOD.

You know he's dead right?

WHAT?!!!

Ah. Forgot we didn't find that out till quite late. Anyway, get over it. You are not Kurt Cobain. It is not a good look on a 17 year old girl. And while we're on the case-The tweed trousers with the broaches on the pocket are AWFUL.

DUH, I know. I just got a mini kilt from Camden!

Oh lord. The mini kilt.

Is it that bad?

No, wear it while you can get away with it. It's how you get asked out by the rock dude.

HAWT. 

But you're a bit too old to be an Emo really. And you're way too happy. Brush your hair a bit more and stop buying plastic jewelry.

You're MEAN

No, I'm right. And the voice of experience. Oh, speaking of experience, stop feeling awful about being a virgin.

SHUT UP

Oh for god's sake, everyone knows. Look at you! You practically scream purity. It's not that unusual for a 17 year old, really. Lots of people from school turn out to have been lying about losing it anyway. And give up on the idea of David Bowie turning up on your door, he's too old for you.

I'm saving myself for him. The Goblin King is so so buff.

Eurgh. No one uses that word any more. Buff? Really? USE PROPER WORDS! He is not a freshly cleaned car!

Fine. Any more words of wisdom?

Yeah. Only LOADS. Keep hanging out with your new friends, they do you the world of good and make you feel really normal at the same time as making you feel special. Sweeney is dead smart and has ALL THE DEGREES and will probably help you in court one day. Robo is an avid traveller and Kaat is the queen of luxury. Clefairy lives five minutes up the road, and guess what? Tikki is getting married and you're her bridesmaid!

BEFORE ME?!

Oh you knew it would happen, she got a boyfriend before you too! And she's way more mature than you. (I happen to know you drew that tattoo on with biro and bunked off for the past two tuesday afternoons at college!)

Shut up wrinkly, someone might hear! 

Oh no one cares. You do actually get a real tattoo though.

SERIOUS? Do I get a sleeve? Or a Chanel logo? Or a placebo lyric?!

Well, you're an actor, so sleeves don't work very well for that. And no to the others. Because....well, no. You get a rose! For great nan Rose. And for other reasons which you'll have to find out for yourself. Now shouldn't you be off to Quadruples for lunch?

Oh yeah! Me and Kaat are going to get a really healthy salad and then bunk off English and go to Camden again! Byeeeeee....



She'll honestly never learn. It's like talking to a bloody brick wall!

Ah well,
Tarrah Reader!
Ash
x

An interview with 17 year old me...

Reader, anyone who knows me knows that I constantly refer back to my past selves as if they were old friends or family members who would have a fully formed opinion on how I live my life. I get the mick taken quite a bit for starting sentences with 'god, 12 year old me would love this' or '15 year old me would be looking at me in horror right now'. And last night I got talking with my housemate about how different I was as a teenager. Which made me wonder-what would my 17 year old self think of mid twenties me? Only one way to find out....THE POWER OF TIME TRAVEL (shut up and suspend your disbelief)

Oh...hi. Where am I?

Hi there 17 year old me! You're in 2013, with mid twenties you!

Oh. 

Surprise!

Hang on....are we in LONDON?

Yeah...?

What happened to New York? We were supposed to be getting married to a rock star in a beautiful yet edgy ceremony about now!

Well, New York is still somewhere we want to live, but we ended up making lots of contacts in London and staying put for the time being. Also, your family has grown and you have a godson now and some really cute little cousins you want to see grow up. You did go on a couple of dates with a rock star if that helps?

Someone makes me a godmother? Wow. That's pretty shibby! Who was it, Clefairy? Ooohh I date a rockstar? That must have been awesome!

Ok, first off, don't use the word shibby. No matter how hard you try, it never quite catches on

But..

NO BUTS. It's awful. You do not sound kitch and cute, you sound ridiculous. And no, Clefairy doesn't have a baby yet (was it the many many nephews and nieces that made you think she'd have a family so young? Well she has even more now-no need to add more kids into the equation just yet!), your youngest uncle and aunt had the most gorgeous, funny little boy and you're his Godmother-you make him awful craft gifts and give him lots of cuddles. And dating a rock star was fun for about one date, then it turned out rockstars can be quite shy and his best friend scared you off (we think she fancied him too). You also never quite shake the suspicion that they thought you were a groupie.

Was it someone from Panic! At the disco?

No. Far less famous. No one knows who the band is really, even back then.

Oh. Bum. Hey, where's all my hair? WHERE IS ALL MY HAIR? 

Oh yes, about that. The thing is, having hair down to your bum is lovely when you're 17 but when we get a bit older (and years of dyeing has made it slightly less luxurant and bouncy) we decide to keep it just below boob level. Don't worry, we're never going back to the Harry Potter haircut.

The whole reason I was single age 13-15.

Erm...Yeah, you stay single for quite a while actually, so I don't think we can put it all down to the bad hair

WHAT? I don't end up meeting a gorgeous guy on my first day at uni?

Oh, well, you do, but actually you wind up just seeing him as a friend after cleaning up his sick and stuff. Living with boys who are mates sort of makes you not fancy them. Also, after years in an all girl's school, you sort of have magical boy-repelling powers. You keep getting seen as 'the little sister' of the group and to be honest, you don't pick up on any of the hints boys give you anyway. You meet someone in your last year though and end up going out with them for 4 and a half years!

Oh phew. So I'm in a relationship and on my way to marriage and kids then?

Er, not exactly. In fact, we're sort of single again.

I'M SINGLE IN MY MID TWENTIES?! OH MY GOD I'M BRIDGET JONES

Please shut up.

I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE! THIS IS SO FAR FROM SHIBBY! I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED MY ONE BOY MATE!

Oh yeah, about that, he turns out to be gay

What?! But we kissed!

He wore women's jeans!

But he had a huge crush on me!

Later in life we now think he just admired your skinny androgyny and lack of boobs. It's not even the only time it happens to you. You have a bit of a penchant for picking vaguely feminine boys out and for a while, a lot of them end up coming out of the closet.

Oh for god's sake. Am I at least performing at The Old Vic? Or The National?

Not exactly. You've done some tv and film work though! And played Estella in Great Expectations in lots of fabulous theatres! You're actually vaguely successful at the acting lark at the moment (although far from famous or rich, more that you have pretty regular work albeit low paid) And you have boobs now!

I HAVE BOOBS?!?

I know! They finally come in during your first year of uni! No more chicken fillets and rolled up socks in the bra for you young lady! But also no more running without a bra. Because that gets old fast. Along with getting boobs you get asked to model for a group called Suicide Girls but you turn it down because you're worried how it may affect your career as an actor.

Wow. I must be really skinny!

Well. You were then. Not so much now. Now we grudgingly accept that curvy is good and the fat on our tummy is to keep our baby making bits safe.

Eurgh.

Well we can't afford to live off M&S sushi forever!

Do I at least live in a really cool part of London? In my own apartment? With a pet parakeet?

Well, you live in Southgate with one of your best friends from Uni who is now a director. No parakeets. We have a no 'Ash being Dr. Doolittle' rule. It's pretty awesome!

Southgate's gross!

Actually it's quite trendy now. Lots of funky little coffee shops and charity shops.

Fair enough. And I suppose we can go swimming every day.

Not really, we can't afford swimming every day.

We can't afford £2.50 every day?!

Oh, yeah, there's been a recession. Swimming is £7.50 now.

£7.50?!!! That's the same price as an entire outfit from Punky Fish!

Oh dear sweet fool. That's nothing, busses are now £2.10 for a single if you don't have an oyster

What do shellfish have to do with public transport?

Never mind...

How are mum and dad? And the little bro?

All good! Dad now part owns the company and Mum runs her own business! When you're not acting you work for her on the side. They still both look impossibly young and go off on holidays to exotic places. Little bro is now taller than us by a foot and goes to uni in Wales.

Wait...mum and dad go on holiday? WITHOUT US? Isn't that child abuse?!

No, given that NEITHER YOU OR LITTLE BRO ARE CHILDREN ANYMORE. (We are sad about it though and keep hoping they'll win the lottery and whisk us off to Disney again)

Weird to think of him being at uni. He's only 12! And really weedy. 

Enjoy it while you can, he gets really strong and can pick you up now. And does if he's losing an argument. You get put outside the front door like the sabre tooth from the flintstones.

Does he ever admit to stealing my Tigger diary?

No! But we still suspect him. You actually get on way better now. He's calmed down a LOT and is very funny. It helps that you don't live with each other. You even miss him when he's away!

Ok, well I suppose that's ok. Right, I feel the tug of college and a night out at The Roxy. Do we still go clubbing every week?

God no! We're out so often networking, we far prefer a quiet bar or even better, our own sofa!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......(disappears into a vortex of time travel to leap into mini kilt and dance to Peaches and The Arctic Monkeys)

Hm. Not sure how delighted she was, but she's IMPOSSIBLE to please. Before I go Reader, a few friends of mine are trying to raise money for various projects, so please see below the blog and donate and share!
Tarrah!
Ash
x

A very talented theatre practitioner and actor friend of mine, Liz Williams is in the middle of a course to help bring theatre to the young. It's an amazing opportunity and Liz is extremely wonderful at everything she does, hardworking and fierce. If anyone deserves a helping hand, it's her! Donate or share her page here: http://www.gofundme.com/passionvspaycheck

The lovely James Card of Thorny Devil Productions is asking for contributions for their next short 'For My Next Trick'. Have worked with Thorny Devil in the past and they're a great team, who do fabulous work! They're also jolly nice people, so please give what you can, or just share if (like me) you're very very poor!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791500593/for-my-next-trick

Friendzoning...

Ok Reader, so recently I've been noticing lots of guys complaining about getting friendzoned by girls. You see it all the time. 'Uh man, this girl TOTALLY friendzoned me' 'What a bitch' 'Yeah, I know, she clearly only goes for douchey blokes, nice guys always finish last'.

Ahem.

I'm sorry.

SHUT THE SHAG UP.

Friendzoning exists, sure. And it sucks when you like someone and it turns out they only see you as a friend, I mean, come now, girls go through it too, I've been through it myself. But stop acting like it's a) only something that happens to men by girls and b) because you were clearly meant to be together from the start and she KNEW that and then whammied you with a 'Sorry I just see you as friends' acme safe on the head.

When a girl meets a guy, her instant thought is not that it will lead to sex. The majority of times, if a meet up is arranged, she assumes it is just to meet up and chat in a friendly manner. Not to go on a date. Because it is not made clear. If I like a guy I am USELESS around them (despite being just about the flirtiest person you'll meet under most circumstances, when I meet someone I genuinely fancy, it's as if someone's replaced my brain cells with felt and sequins and I start talking utter crap and stammering and tripping over a lot. I can however, flirt brilliantly with people I don't actually see sexually. I know, I am a ridiculous human being.) but generally if they ask me out I assume it's just to hang out, not to date. Sometimes to my own detriment. Once, when I was a lot more naive and (lets face it) stoopid, I thought a guy was literally asking me to a sleepover and turned up at his door with pjs, a bag of dvds and popcorn and my best friend. Girls are not that aware sexually most of the time. And most of us have pretty crippling self doubt. We don't recognise that someone fancies us unless they kiss us, tell us so, or get one of our more enlightened friends to tell us so. After uni, I once said in a group of male friends 'I never really got asked out at uni' and apparently 90% of them had asked me out at some stage without me ever realising. Apparently I'd even been out on a date with a couple of them and had NO CLUE.

If you want to go on a date with someone, tell them it's a date. Just give us a heads up, ok? Then we can tell you if we're actually interested or not, and you won't ever get into the friendzone situation. Be warned though, you could lose out on a lot of really frigging awesome female friends that way.

Also, what in lawk's name is all this crap about 'nice guys finish last'? My last boyfriend was a classic 'nice guy'. Who was into comics and gaming and geek culture. HE HAD POKEMON POSTERS IN HIS ROOM. And guess what? I kissed him first. The utter wankers I've been interested in, I've never made a move on, because they are, as I have said, utter wankers and I'm not completely brain dead. Generally a girl won't look at a guy and go 'ah yes, he's someone who'll cheat on me and treat me like poo, I want a slice of that hot action'. Normally the guy seems perfectly nice initially and it's only later that the not so lovely bits come out. The difference is, the cocky guys seem to have the confidence to ask a girl out directly and actually show that they are sexually interested in them rather than hanging out around them and after a month of being mates suggesting that they go for coffee in a matey sort of way. They make their agenda clear. Which is why ladies know it's a date. And to be honest, the majority of men I know who say 'I don't get it, I'm a really nice guy' are not in fact, really nice guys. They just think they are because they don't make the first move, and let's be honest no one ever really thinks that they're a knobatron.

I've also noticed that the same guys who keep getting 'friendzoned' appear to want all of their female friends to have seen them as a romantic prospects. Er...sorry. What?! Why is that ok? I am pretty obvious when I fancy someone. I am, in fact, incredibly ridiculous and do stupid things like texting them texts about them by accident (this has happened so many times, I think I have a problem, thank christ for smart phones and existing conversation threads) and not realising that I'm talking to their girlfriend and making it painfully obvious that I fancy their partner (again, happens more often than I like to admit and leads to me feeling AWFUL because I haven't realised that they were taken and then hiding under my bed for a week or so). Sometimes, I meet men and I just think 'cor, aren't they great people? I want them to be in my life' in a very non sexual way and now I have lots of lovely male friends who (I hope) know that I don't see them romantically.

The thing is, it's also really crappy of a person (male or female) to go into a friendship with an ulterior motive. Can you imagine if you'd made this great friend that you thought was like a sibling and then one day it came out that they'd only got into a friendship with you because they wanted to jump your bones? Or suddenly stopped talking to you because you wouldn't date or sleep with them? How manipulative? I mean, I can be really shy sometimes (I know, you wouldn't know it, but I'm an actor, I hide it remarkably well), but if I am attracted to someone and he doesn't feel the same way back (or, adversely, can't feel the same way back because he's in a relationship) I go 'oh, ok' and it may feel a bit shitty for a while but I realise it's not their fault that they don't want to jump my bones and get on with congratulating myself on having made a nice friend and getting the hell over it.

I always hear guys saying 'But I always make the first move'. I'm sorry, but I call bullpoop. You know how many times I've been actually, properly asked out in a way that I know it's a date? Twice. Once I said yes, once I said no. You know how many times I've been kissed first? Three times. One of those by a drunk person who I didn't want to be kissed by, which really doesn't count as it was more like someone throwing a wet dishcloth with bits of broken china in it at my mouth. I have kissed (not including in plays and auditions and games of truth and dare and drunk men throwing themselves at my uniwilling face) nine guys. Nine. Only two of those made the first move. So don't give me that rubbish. I don't get guys making the first move on me. I wish I did. Life would be more interesting. Because making the first move all the time isn't that fun, even when you know for a fact that the guy likes you back because his friend told your friend or something like that. However, I have been accused of friendzoning. By people I had no idea I had romantic feelings towards me. Normally after years and years and years of being friends. If you hang out with a girl for ages and don't make a move, you're not being friendzoned, congratulations, you are friends.

And that Reader, is all!
Ash
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Talkin' 'bout my geeeeneration...

So Reader, my generation is a pretty interesting. We're the generation that left college being told that going to university would guarantee us work, that can't afford to move out of our parents' house till we're past thirty, that have rediscovered religion (not me personally, but loads of my previously atheist or agnostic friends have discovered God, Allah or Buddah later in life) and have found a love of crafting and baking forgotten by our grandmothers. We've ended up being the lost generation, we're not punks/hippies like our parents or teddy boys/rockabilly girls like our grandparents. We are apathetic, disillusioned and looking for reason. But you know what? I sort of love us. Here's two lists of the crap, and great things about Generation Still At Home Watching British Bake Off

Crap

• The apathy-I mean seriously guys, we saw the French version of the BNP nearly get in a couple of years ago due to voter apathy, not voting does not make a difference. Make a stand, go to protests, write letters. But for the love of god take a stand.
• Ugg boots-I know they're like heaven on the feet, but oh my goodness, they look like something a two year old should wear, not an adult!
• Internet trolling-It's just pathetic. It's for weak, cowardly people who pick on others for sport and as far as I can tell use it as an excuse to be racist, sexist and homophobic.
• Twerking-WE ARE IN OUR TWENTIES MUST WE REALLY SHAKE OUR CELLULITE AT PEOPLE??!?
• Reality TV-Ok, I'm an actor so I'm a bit biased (what with it stealing potential work and all), but it's inane, dumbed down and beige. 
• Immaturity-Maybe it's because it's taken us all so long to move into our own places, but most of us are perpetual children. Most of my friends are scared to commit, whether that be to a relationship, a mortgage or a career path. I have so many peers who are almost thirty (or even past it) but still have no idea what job they want to do when they grow up.

Fantabulous

• Make do and mend-since we're all extraordinarily poor, we find new ways to have fun. All of my friends are artistically adept in one way or another, personally I make ugly toys for my little cousins for presents and often bake up a storm. One of my friends embroiders film quotes and frames them and another makes beautiful pillows. Costume parties are great because you see people wearing all manner of home made madness.
• Creativity-The theatre scene is spectacular at the moment because we keep trying to find new ways to express ourselves. The trick is seeing past the west end and going to the fringe shows and low budget films. We are a generation who are unafraid to try new things creatively, and keep testing the boundaries.
• Onesies-OH MY GOD SO COMFY AND YOU CAN HAVE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A FLYING BAT
• Determination-We have no money and little chance of progression but we are still convinced that we can succeed. Good for us. Pat on the back!
• Family support-With the recession, so so many of my friends have been supporting their parents, siblings and grandparents on tiny wages and I am so proud of them. We don't have many luxuries, so for someone on barely any money to want to give all of their excess over to supporting others is a wonderful thing to see.
• Romance-there's been a real surge in romance in my generation-all of my friends are getting married, I keep hearing of random acts of romance and a lot of my chums (male and female) are moon eyed over beautiful things their partners have done for them, whether that be making a midnight picnic in the garden, leaving hand drawn pictures and love notes for them or bringing home flowers 'just because'. Of course, being single I'm not quite getting in on that action, but I have hope!
• Compassion-if you go on youtube at the moment, you'll find people dressed as superheros giving out bags of food, drink and clothes to the homeless, visiting childrens' hospitals and old folks' homes with gifts and songs and paying for the person behind them at starbucks and drive throughs. It's rather amazing.

Add any others you can think of Reader!

Tarrah!

Ash

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