Oh what a difference a year makes...

Reader, I am now officially moved out of Bag End. Which is a sad thing because I loved living with Curly One and having independence and a place I could invite lots of friends to without having to ask permission. But I am also moving back in with my family, who I adore, and frankly, I couldn't have afforded to live away for even a week longer so it's come at a perfect time.

Today, surrounded by boxes and piles of clothes going to charity shops, ebay and dry cleaners, I have been reflecting about the year at Bag End and all the things that have changed since I first moved in there. The big one is money-I went in with two grand in savings and I've left with £12.50 left at the end of my overdraft. We were paying far too much for Bag End, which was consistently on the brink of collapse, with doors breaking, a latch that kept slipping and locking us out, no insulation and old windows surrounded by rotting wood, but for us it was priceless. Much as I'm going to miss it though, I am very much looking forward to mending my coffers and getting back in my bank manager's good books. I've never been particularly good at not having money, it stresses me out more than most things to be unsure how I'm going to pay bills, and the constant praying I'll have been paid for one of my projects before another bill leaves my account. Which also partially prompted wanting to start as an acting coach, along with my camera based work with the brilliant young people at the Almeida Theatre, which shocked me with how much I enjoyed it. 

When I moved in, I was also a stone lighter than I am now, having lost a bit of weight due to grieving after a big break up. A year of eating more cheese than I ever have in my life has amended that-I am now the fattest I have ever been. But I don't really care-now I'm back home (where cheese is not seen as something to be eaten with every meal like we did in Bag End, and where my healthy parents have a gym in the basement) I know that the weight will fall off me fairly naturally anyway, but more than that, I am far more at peace with myself than I ever was when I moved in. I accept my body for what it is, something that I need to look after, to listen to and to let rest when it needs to. 

Speaking of heart break, I was very muted when I moved in. I cried often, I was terrified of where my life was going (how do you adjust when the future you had mapped out vanishes overnight?) I was single, the thought of dating made me seize up and I was pretty sure I would never fall in love again. Over the year I went on dates, discovered what I did and didn't like, not only in the men I dated, but in myself. I discovered that I was more able to ask people out than I thought, I was even asked out by others a few times. I learnt how to say no, that if you can't talk to someone then there's no point, that I'm not the kind of girl who can do casual. I learnt to love being single again, to love the excitement of a night out, to feel complete by myself. And just as I'd learnt to love spending time by myself, and that I didn't need a romantic partner, I went to an audition and got completely knocked off my feet by someone. So now I'm on a new adventure, being in a new relationship whilst living with my family, with someone who is just as creative, childish and romantic as I am. I am so smitten and excited about our adventures, I feel a bit like a teenager again!

Someone said to me recently that I was more like myself again. But I disagree. What Bag End has taught me is that I didn't need to look back to someone I used to be, I needed to find a new me-someone who took on all the lessons of the past but was able to accept that the future is a changeable form which probably won't ever turn out as you expect it to, but to enjoy all the twists and turns. I have my old sparkle back, yes. But I'm also stronger, more resilient and more willing to try new things.

When I moved into Bag End, Curly One and I toasted each other with tiny bottles of prosecco and talked about the year ahead of us. I said I wanted to do things that scared me, and I'm really proud to say I have. I've started to learn how to drive, I've begun vlogging, I gave up smoking (for the second, and hopefully final time), I've let myself become poor in order to do things important to me (like performing at Edinburgh), I've dated, I've eaten new things (Salmon, beef, dim sum and soft shell crab to name but a few!). Bag End, more than anything, gave me the space to grow. And I was lucky enough to do it with Curly One, who I have laughed with, cried with, danced with, quoted Eddie Izzard with and eaten more cheese with than I have ever consumed in my life. 

So today, while I'm unpacking the rest of my boxes and drinking vast amounts of honey and lemon (I have a rotten cold), I will be thinking fondly of all the brilliant, unexpected and life changing things that happened to me during a year in a cold little hobbit hole in North London. 

Ash

x

Roads and paths and potential...

Reader, today was such a beautiful day. The sun shone and in North London, everyone looked brighter and prettier. Even the football yobs looked cuter and less gruff. Meanwhile, I could not settle. Which seems to be a metaphor for my life at the moment. As an actor, life is never going to be simple and straightforward and easy. I know that. At the moment I am struggling a bit with it though. The thing is, I'm in my mid twenties and all my friends are starting to settle down. I am fully booked with weddings this year and I have a lot of new babies to meet. Mortgages are being bought, people are earning enough to go on nice holidays and invest in pensions. While all that is going on, I am facing the possibility of having to move back in with my parents in August, trying to decide if a short term move to New York would make sense for my life at the end of this year/beginning of next, waiting to see 3 films I've shot this year and waiting to hear back about the feature film that is potentially a career changer, that I've been promised a main part in but don't have a contract for.

Life feels like it's very wispy at the moment. Which doesn't make me want to give up being an actor, even though it's a bit scary. It makes me wish I wanted to do something else. But I don't. I have to be an actor. I can't even contemplate doing anything else (believe me, I've tried). It's difficult to think of my life being so transient when I'm older, which is why I'm trying to come up with more ways to keep money coming in (like writing and vlogging-hopefully things which will keep me acting for longer if I can work out a way to monetise them). The thing is, I think I could handle being skint and flighty forever-if it wasn't for the fact that I want children. If you're a regular reader, you'll know that I had a health scare a couple of years ago that led to me being forced to work out quite fast if I wanted kids or not and the positive that came out of an unpleasant situation was that it helped me realise how I needed to be a mother. But you can't be a mother if you can't support the child.

Saying that, some things give me hope. My mum told me recently about how she sat in her car once when I was very little as the radio told her that interest rates on mortgages had gone up and just cried because she was convinced they were going to lose our house. Then she thought about it and realised that she could always move (with me-aged 6, my father and my baby brother aged 1) into the top bedroom of her parents home. She was in her mid thirties at that point and it really reassured me. Yes, I have chosen a career that will take me up and down and all around the hedges, but if my mother (the strongest woman I know, who now runs an incredibly successful business and lives in an insanely beautiful house with my dad) in her mid thirties was married, had a 'proper' job and was not in the middle of an economic depression and STILL dealt the prospect of moving back in with her parents (with two kids and a husband no less), then maybe I shouldn't give myself so much of a hard time about the idea of moving back in with mine for a couple of months. Especially when doing so could mean moving to New York for a while (and thus fulfilling one of my big dreams).

The thing is, if I could afford holidays, a house and knew EXACTLY where my life was going while working in a 9-5 job that I wasn't really passionate about, I truly believe I would end up killing myself or shaving my head in roughly a week. Life as an actor may be really difficult sometimes and I may be so poor that I have to accept food parcels from my parents on occasions, but the pay-off, getting to feel completely fulfilled every time I go on stage or see one of my films on the big screen or tv or hear my voice at an awards ceremony or on the radio, is worth it. The moments when I'm sitting in a recording booth or playing out a scene make every time I've worried about my bank balance, cried over a boy, felt fat or been lost out on jobs suddenly not matter. Because I know what I'm doing. And I feel incredible. I feel high, like I've taken the worlds best drug or spun round in a circle for an hour. I can't even explain it. I'm addicted. It's better than sex or chocolate or winning monopoly. It's even better than finishing the Evening Standard crossword by myself in less than four stops on the tube.

Which is why, even though I'm scared about the future, I can't kick the habit just yet. Because it feels much, much too good. Acting is like having an incredible affair with James Bond. He's not always in the country but when he is-DEAR GOD.

Get it Reader?
Ash
x

Oh the things I could do...

Reader, I am in a bit of a pickle. When my rent comes out this month, I will be back in the overdraft that I fought so hard to get out of when I left education, and because my income is so low, I have no idea how I'm going to lever myself out of it this time. The thing is, this month has been unexpectedly expensive for me. Spotlight is due to be repaid (that time of year when all actors panic about the £200 they don't have and don't know where to find), our sky bill has just gone up because we're out of the introductory phase, our water bill came out and I've had to pay to get my showreel fixed up, which ended up costing me £80. On top of council tax bills, electricity and gas, rent, and the fact that the early part of the year is when all my family have birthdays.

I hate panicking about money. It makes me feel constantly stressed and a bit sick to my stomach. And as an actor, the annoying thing is you know you're only ever as far as getting a tv ad away from all your money problems being solved.

I'm trying to find ways to boost my income ASAP without resorting to mugging or sending emails pretending to be a Nigerian prince, but finding something that will boost my income without taking away time from the stuff that normally earns me money is quite difficult. At the moment am just working all the hours I can for my Mum's business so that at the end of the month my paycheck is bigger than usual, and applying for writing jobs on top of the usual acting jobs that I could do at night.

The thing that keeps weighing on my mind is the overdraft. Because now I'm not a student, the bank will charge me two pounds a day to be in it. Which doesn't seem like much, but might be just enough to keep me further and further into it each month.

The thing is, there are things I can do. I just went to EE and got a much cheaper contract on my phone, which will save me around £20 a month. My housemate and I need to sit down and work out how we can get a cheaper deal on our tv/internet and I need to be careful about eating out less (which means investing in more protein bars to carry around with me on days I have auditions and meetings and having more dates at home). I quit smoking a few months ago, so at least I don't have to feel guilty about that anymore and I don't really spend money on booze. I got some underwear the other day in Primark (which I'm now feeling guilty about spending much needed money on) but I'd just had to throw a few sets out.

The thing is, Reader, it's not too far in the future till August. Which is scary, because in August me and the curly one find out if we can stay in our beloved Bag End or have to move. And if we have to move, that is an incredibly expensive process, with lots of fees and hiring of vans and deposits. And because of the housing market, rent has gone up, so we will have to either find somewhere much smaller, in a worse area, in a house with lots of strangers or move back to our parents. And none of those situations are ideal.

So dear gods of the acting world and fate and purse strings-please land me a really incredibly paying job today. One of those ones that takes a day to film and keeps your bank manager happy for a year. Or let me magically find £600 (the magical figure that would instantly solve this month's problems) in a gift wrapped box on the end of my bed.

Till then, I'll keep plugging away, eating the contents of strange tins at the back of my cupboards and not buying anything at all while I work as much as humanly possible without going completely insane. And I'll do it all with a smile. No more whingey blog entries from me Reader, just had to get this one out of my system! The next one will be funnier and full of gifs. Promise!

Tarrah loves,
Ash
x

Ten reasons it's great to be closer to 30 than 20....

Reader, I am officially now in the 2nd half of my twenties. The day before my birthday, I got I.D'd (and despite my protests that I am happy to be the age I am now, the thought that I still look younger made me very happy) and I've had chocolate for breakfast twice this week, but I am quite zen at the prospect of getting closer to the big three-oh. And here's why:

10 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE CLOSER TO 30 THAN 20

1. Going clubbing is no longer something you are expected to do

So very much of my youth was spent enthusiastically donning teeny weenie dresses and checking I had cab fare and planning what to do when the friend who vomits and cries whenever you get drunk does the inevitable. Hell, I was even the Social Secretary of my Drama Society for a year. And I'd always be eyeing up my bed, thinking 'If only I could stay in and eat Thai food whilst watching episodes of Buffy instead'. But I'd shove my thoughts to the back of my head, because I WAS YOUNG. And young people must go and live and dance and get drunk and do all of the silly things! Now don't get me wrong-I loved going out with my friends. I still do! But clubbing is something I rarely feel the need to indulge in. You can't hear your friends, a sweaty dude in a bad suit grinds up against you and by the end of the night you've spent more than you would have on this month's council tax bill. And because you're a bit older, hangovers are SO MUCH WORSE. Now that you're closer to 30, you can leave all that nonsense to the young uns and go sit in a pub or in a nice cocktail lounge. You can dance at the inevitable million weddings you'll be invited to and no one will judge you for not knowing the moves to the latest X-factor winner's song. Or you can stay at home and not wear any make up at all whilst you watch Saturday Night Live and eat Boursin out of the foil.

2.    You don't have to follow anyone else's rules

You know when you're 20? And you're living with your parents and they say 'Wash up your dishes before you've eaten' and you say 'But then my food will get cold!' and they tell you that you are living in their house so must abide by their rules? Or when you get a 'wake up call' from your mum at 8am on a Saturday? Or when you don't do something because you think people wouldn't approve and you worry what they'd think of you? When you get a bit older, you just think 'Sod it' and do whatever you want to do. Like staying in bed till 3 on a weekend watching American true crime shows or wearing a boob-tastic dress. (Living away from your parents helps a great deal with this). You just sort of stop giving a damn. 

3.    You get taken more seriously

You know what's really strange? When I was 21 and had just come out of University, people would ask me what I wanted to do as a career. I'd say 'Act' and they'd laugh at me. Now, people ask me what I do, and I say 'Act' and they get all impressed and ask lots of questions. And they listen to what I have to say like I'm actually an expert on the subject. Younger people ask you for advice. Elderly people don't think you're a threat to society. It's all rather nice.

4.    You have way more confidence

At 18 I was a size 8 with E cup boobs and hair halfway down my back. And I have never been so lacking in confidence. I was convinced that I was King Kong ugly and had an abnormal body compared to everyone else. And I did not know how to talk to boys in any way that wasn't jokingly insulting them or stammering a great deal. Now, I don't even care. I am fatter. I have more wrinkles. I have cellulite and some seriously cray bags under my eyes. But if I fancy someone I can flirt my bum off. And when I feel good, I STRUT. Because it is only going to get worse from here on out. Also, I increasingly realise that beauty and sexiness isn't about being tiny and perfect, it's about loving yourself and allowing others to love you. Fo sho. Sure I still have ugly days, where I try and avoid anyone seeing me but my wonderful housemate (who would love me even if I shaved my head and tattooed my face with the lyrics to The Ketchup Song) but most of the time I just don't care. It's more fun to like yourself and assume others do too and work it. Baybeee. (on a side note, if you need to feel sexy, pretend you're on set and someone is filming you for an underwear advert and yelling out 'work it! Move that thang! Shake what ya mama gave ya!' It may not make you feel like Kate Moss, but it is much fun.)

5. You understand that food is freakin' good, and most of your social events now revolve around it

'Shall we go for drinks?' 'NO let's go for cake!' You realise that you're attracted to men based on how much you can eat in front of them without them judging you. I realised how much I liked the guy I'm  dating when he was IMPRESSED when I ordered two kinds of carbs to go with my pulled pork. A number of my friends are currently on bridal diets and this means that I am often the only one at the table with food that is not green and leafy. I care not for this. When people come to my flat, they know that they will be fed. Sometimes they even leave with packed lunches. When people don't offer me snacks when I visit, I tend to be shocked and appalled (although, let's face it, this could be down to the Irish heritage and our obsession with food based hospitality)

6.  You can still do something wild and not have it be attributed to a midlife crisis or young person hi-jinks

Want to go work in another country for a year? Do it. New tattoo? Fab. Making out with someone entirely inappropriate? You go, you wild thang. Re-building a car? Go Greased Lightning.

7.  You can spend your money how you want to

I spend mine on cheese. And 50's dresses. And 2nd hand books. BECAUSE I CAN. 

8.   You know how to get crap done

You know what I did this year that I'm really proud of? I changed the light pull in my bathroom because the old one was grubby. You know what I would have done when I was younger? Let that thing rot off its string. I wash out my kitchen bin every fortnight and I empty my hoover when it stops working as well. I renew my Spotlight membership ahead of time and I've even planned what my next tattoo is. Procrastination? SUCK IT. I do stuff now that I didn't even know had to be done when I was younger. Like council tax. And making a file for my household forms. BOOM. Which means there are less nasty surprises. And when you're an actor/writer and earn very little, that makes life a lot easier!

9. You don't have to follow fashion anymore

Let's be honest-I've never really been a fashionista. I know what suits me, and that's well structured dresses and vintage prints. Jeans don't look wonderful on me, tulip skirts are my idea of hell and you can keep anything neon or acid coloured far from my eyeline. When I was younger I would try my hardest to do the whole fashion thing, but now I just buy things I actually like. Which means I have bypassed the whole pink coat thing that was so big this year (reminds me of my nan) and laugh gaily as I pass dungerees on the rack at H&M (I had a pair when I was 15 which I wore to V fest with a red bikini and Doc Martins. Never again.) Saying that, apparently frumpy, comfy clothes are coming back in fashion. In this case I may well become an avid follower of the catwalk. Pass me the slanket and my knee high socks. I am ON IT. 

10.  Dating is really great. No, but seriously.

I love dating. Dating when I was younger meant either awkwardly going to the cinema and avoiding eye contact (age 17) or going over to their house to make out under the pretense of watching films (age 18-22). The second one still happens, but dating when you're closer to thirty seems to be way more-for want of a better word-datey. I've been taken to swanky cocktail bars, to hip eateries, to concerts and recently bowling and on a ghost tour of London (SO AWESOME). You actually go on proper dates! And if you choose to go home with your date, or invite them back, no one judges you! Recently a 27 year old friend called me and told me about her amazement when she went on a date with a 23 year old and he not only hadn't planned anything for the date but then also said she couldn't stay over because 'it would be awkward with his housemates in the morning.' Erm...what?  The nice thing about dating later in your 20's is that not only are the dates more fun, because you both have slightly more money and can therefore afford to do exciting things, but you are also more honest. None of this pretending you're just mates till you have a snog nonsense. Also, you still get to talk to your mates about it afterwards and giggle like teenagers. Only this time, you do it over mimosas in a swanky bar. AWESOME. 

So yeah. Don't worry about getting older Reader. It's pretty darn groovy.

Ash

x

Positive thinking and dream mapping for the cynical generation

Right, so as anyone from my year at drama school will tell you, positive thinking is key. We even had a lesson in which a woman who trained in positive thinking came to tell us how important positive thinking is. Now, Reader, I subscribe heavily to the whole 'think happy=be happy' philosophy. I read The Secret, I watched Oprah! I even do visualisation exercises sometimes. I am generally an irritatingly happy shiny person. I have very little concept of sarcasm and when I try to use it, it's hardly biting satire, more grumpy 12 year old saying 'well, duh!' But let's face it Reader, in this age of grumpy celebs selling sob stories, po faced newsreaders and pouting being sexy, positivity is frankly unfashionable. I tried to start a trend for it, which seemed to fail abysmally. There's also a thing with actors, if you say 'yeah everything's AMAZING, I frickin' love life and I wouldn't change a thing' other actors hate you. Literally want to tear out your eyeballs and shove salt in the sockets. It's far more acceptable to go 'well, life isn't too bad, but then it's not great. I mean I'm not getting the auditions I want, my agent's a shit and I might as well give up and become a librarian'.

I think I'll stick to being unfashionably cheery. I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer of late (yes, I am a huge geek), and think, hey, if Willow can do it, I can! Now, one of the things I've learnt from all of the positive thinking stuff is that you should make a 'Universal wishlist'. It's a list of all the things you want to happen, and it makes the universe sit up and go 'hey now, that's a great idea! Well sure, if you want I'll just fix that up for you under the grill.You want fries with that?'

So, in the interests of positive thinking, here is one of mine (yes Reader, I have many)

1. I get picked up by my perfect agent. They finally get to my email and letter and go 'hey, you know what? That girl with her slightly angular nose and freckled forehead is EXACTLY what we need! Let's take her on and make her insanely A list!'
2. They pass on my details to the following directors: Everyone who is talented.
3. This very blog gets picked up and made into a column (well, one can dream) and possibly a film starring Zooey Deschanel doing a really really bad English accent (n.b she may have to put on some weight and lose the fringe. Potentially also wear a prosthetic nose.) 
4. Talented directors get in touch and audition me for many many projects, which I then get to pick and choose
5. I get cast in screen, stage and radio. All varied and rewarding roles that I can really get my teeth into. I get paid absolute buckets (obvo)
6. With the money I buy a lovely house for me and the lad, with a garden, a 50s style kitchen (with a red smeg fridge because we once saw one in a magazine and now we're obsessed!) and period features. I pay off my parents' mortgage and get them the villa in Majorca they've always dreamed of. I set up a trust fund for my brother, invest in my Mum's business, build a rehearsal/performance space back in Kent for my old Drama Soc and buy my Irish grandparents a house that's not in the dodgy end of Tottenham, a personal chauffeur and a woman to clean the house and cook occasionally. 
7. I keep getting work. Good work, not just poo things that I only do to be able to survive and keep myself in diet coke.
8. Mine and The Lad's relationship continues to flourish and be lovely. 
9. We travel to exotic places all the time, drink cocktails out of coconuts on beaches and generally live the life of Reilly. 
10. Mum's business BOOMS and she is on the cover of The Sunday Times magazine she's so fab. Dad wins loads of great contracts for work and is names 'Housing person of the year' (for lack of the correct/real terminology), Brother gets a first and a brilliant job in Criminology (with a sideline in drawing comics). The Lad works as a primary school teacher but also opens up a comic book store/cafe with performance space for our comedian friends and quiz nights.
11. I win a Bafta, Oscar, Tony, Mobo (shut up this is MY wishlist and I get to ask for whatever the hell I want!)
12. I am a size 8 with perfect teeth and hair. I am remarkably slim but in some miraculous way do not lose my boobs nor need plastic surgery or diets. 
13. I get cast as Hedda Gabler in a film version of the Ibsen play.
14. I win more awards.
15. Dad starts presenting a TV show about scuba diving and fishing (his two favourite things ever) which gets similar viewing figures to Top Gear. The public enjoy his combination of dad jokes and punk attitude. Mum writes a book which is seen as being the best feminist fiction to be published since Fay Weldon.
16. My family, friends and I are so happy and healthy that we're actually quite sickening, but this is obviously not picked up on by the media or public, who simply adore us.
17. World peace (just so I don't sound too materialistic...)

Right, so now that's all sorted, I shall expect to start having it all appear in my lap shortly. I'll just wait here watching Buffy till it does.
Will keep you updated Reader!
Ash
x

Suuunnnshyyyyneaaahhh!

Readers, today is an utterly gloriously fabulous day. It's so sunny outside that even my cat Benji (who normally prefers to sit in the living room scowling through the window at the garden in case it tries to drag him out) is splayed on the decking as if he's just too delighted to do anything but sunbathe. Of course, I am clearly not outside enjoying the unexpected April heat. Why you ask? Because I am getting ready for work. That's why. Plus, I had to call the student loans company to tell them that I'm working. Apparently I have to go and get something called a PAYE number. What the hell is that? To be entirely honest, I'm not convinced I earn enough to start paying the loan off, I don't even earn enough to pay £12 for a haircut after all! Another thing I've been doing today is practising my monologue, documentary extract and sonnet for Friday's recording. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not but on Friday I shall be recording my voice reel for Spotlight, which will hopefully get me lots of lovely radio and audio book work However, after ages of not doing any serious voice work, I am feeling decidedly rusty. Hopefully today's shift at work will awaken my tongue a bit. I'll just over annunciate everything, the people on the other end of the phone will think it's Hyacinth Bouquet trying to get them to set up a monthly direct debit to charity!

Right, I realise this has been an unnaturally short blog but I have to dash and get ready. Glasses? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Copy of Brighton Rock? Check. Notes on phone etiquette? Check. Tupperware container of pineapple. Double check. I'm ready to rumble!

Bye dear Readers, hope you're taking advantage of the sun before it goes into hiding again!
Ash
x