Reader, I married him.

OH GOD. I have blogger guilt. It has been, quite literally and without hyperbole, YEARS since I even attempted to write in this blog.

Why is that?

Well, for much the same reason as I don't really vlog any more-I got busy. London got more expensive to live in, I lost my fairly well paid, flexible, working from home job because of Brexit (yaaaaay) and started having to work double the hours to make the same wage plus two additional hours a day travelling. My acting career picked up and at last I was working regularly in front of a camera again. It's been, as my American friends would say, a minute.

So here's a bit of a run down of some of the things that have happened to me since I last blogged.

-I got engaged to my favourite human. It was beautiful and romantic and silly and I cried so much my false eyelashes got stuck to my chin.
-I achieved (extremely) minor fame as a character in a hit, record breaking FMV game, which we then made a follow up to which has done similarly well. Both are mad and I love them, and the process of making them and promoting them has been eye opening and fascinating and wonderful. I'm hoping I'll be back for a third this year (if there's a role for me obviously). I appeared in The Official Playstation Magazine (which I used to read as a Lara Croft obsessed 12 year old in the supermarket aisles), and suddenly have this awesome group of followers who are mega supportive and lovely.
-I got into the showcase course for the awesome class I was studying which was a huge deal for me. I have such huge respect for my teacher, Mary Doherty, who has become a friend and a confidant and so to know she thought I was good enough to be in her showcase group massively built up my confidence. I met the most beautiful group of humans doing the course and loved every second-and then, as is sometimes the way, in front of more influential agents, casting director's and Simon Callow and for just the second time in 7 years working as a professional actor-I forgot my words. To a monologue I knew (and still know) back to front. I managed to cover it (just) but was so disappointed in myself that I went home and howled with tears, scaring my then Fiancé rather an enormous amount. I was fairly sure that I was finished as an actor and would never work again. Over the top? Yes. But I was gutted and felt utterly rubbish about myself. Being an actor is emotional folks.
-I signed with an agency, who had wanted to sign me before the showcase, and thankfully  still wanted to sign me after it. I got a lot of lovely commercial work through them and continued to get my own (more creatively fulfilling work) on my own terms.
-I lost 2 stone. Mostly from stopping eating a family size bag of chocolates in front of the TV every night and paying more attention to what I put in my body-I've continued to follow a plan and have stayed at a size I'm really happy with since (looking back at a film I did at my heaviest, I was carrying a lot of weight around my middle and was seriously in denial of how much I'd gained in a short space of time) I'm now back wearing some of my favourite clothes and am more comfortable about my body than I've been for years.
-I reached a point where I decided to stop making space in my life for anyone who made me feel anxious, negative or sad for no good reason. I had to make some tough decisions and sit on my people pleasing, doormat side (which is exceptionally susceptible to passive aggressive behaviour and gaslighting)-but have been FAR happier since. I learnt two huge things from this a) You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm and b) Just because someone has shown you kindness at times does not give them the right to cause you emotional harm. Took me almost 30 years, but I worked it out eventually.
-We travelled to Berlin, Italy, Morocco and all round England. Along the way discovered German spas are wonderful but require a bit of bravery initially, Berlin does excellent Thai and Turkish food (but finding actual German food is a bit of a mission), Italy remains one of my favourite places, I love gelato with cheese in it (its a bit like ricotta and is divine), I may hate fresh mint tea in England but in Marrakesh it's a different story, my husband is pretty damn good at picking up languages, finding clothes that are 'modest' but still flattering is a mission, that I am fairly allergic to horse hair but I'm an excellent haggler.
-I finally made the Poison Ivy project I've been writing, editing, workshopping and having meetings about for three years with Rob as Bruce, directed and produced by Sophie Black of Triskelle Pictures. I have never felt so fulfilled from work as I was the last day of that project. I am so excited to release it this year, and so nervous-a huge labour of love. I also wore a teeny tiny costume whilst on the worst period of my life, and in doing so felt like a warrior (and far less shy about talking about a body function women spend a week every month suffering with). It wasn't till this project that I realised that I can't pussyfoot (unintentional pun) around my womanhood. If I'm concerned that being on a heavy, painful period is going to affect my performance you better bet I'm going to let the crew know and warn at least three people to be on red alert (second, slightly more intentional pun)
-I appeared in a film called A Friend In Need by writer Matt Carrell which has gone on to win over twenty awards-two of which were for my performance-we're now hoping to turn what is currently a long (almost half an hour) short into a feature film and it's looking increasingly positive. The cast and crew of the film have also turned out to be some of my all time favourite co workers, and we've remained firm friends.
-I left my agent for a much bigger agent right at the end of last year and am now starting 2019 in a constant state of needing to please (oldest child syndrome anyone?)
-I lost two people who has a huge impact on my life-one suddenly and cruelly young.  It taught me a vast amount about grief, life and living in the moment. Every now and again, out of nowhere, I'm still hit by the grief like a sledgehammer in my stomach-when I remember a story he told, or I forget he's not here any more and I go to text him, or when facebook tells me that it's the anniversary of a show we did together or a film we worked on.
-I had the best hen do, put together by my astonishingly brilliant friends and particularly my wonderwoman of a MoH Kate
-I got married. It's a cliche, but it honestly was the best day of my life so far-getting hitched to a man I couldn't have created in my wildest dreams, being surrounded by so many loved ones and family members and dancing the night away at a wedding I spent a year and a half making. Watching our wedding video still chokes me up every time-and the whole experience makes me feel like the luckiest of people. I'm a wife! Madness. Aren't I still 15 and therefore exceedingly young to be married? I'm double that? Well, shit. Who knew.

And now here we are! 2019. A newlywed, utterly skint actor who's failed her driving test twice and has no idea what the future holds. It's all very exciting and terrifying and full of possibilities.

So let's do this. Pass me a cup of tea and let's get started!

Ash x