Oh hi, I'm calling from....

Reader, as you will probably know, I used to work in a callcentre (pretty standard practice for an actor starting out in the world). In fact, I worked at two! One was a charity callcentre who basically call the people who get stopped in the street by enthusiastic people in hoodies, the other sold various things, from wine to fruit and veg to magazines.

So, working in a callcentre isn't exactly the nicest job in the world. In fact, it sucks some serious ass. Because you're basically only as good as your last day's sales and if you don't make your target, you get either fired or have a patronising talk from your manager that makes you feel like a total loser as they explain things to you that you already knew. You also have to talk to lots of idiots on the phone, who assume that because you work in a callcentre, you must a) be from another country b) have an IQ of 4 c) have stolen their number out of the yellow pages d) be trying to scam them in one way or another. You work in an ugly building, with little motivation apart from your commission (interesting fact-money alone is not enough to motivate you. Even after record breaking sales, you still want to lay down on the floor and never get up again), and with an 8 hour working day of staring at a screen wearing a very uncomfortable headset, you get bored, develop awful headaches and get ill a lot more often.

But what actually happens on the other end when you pick up the phone to someone at a callcentre? Well, I am here to tell you all the things that you never actually find out...

THE CALLCENTRE BOOK OF SECRETS

• If you're really really lovely to us, we will do EVERYTHING in our power to chuck in a freebie. We will let you know about the best offers we have, the cheapest ways to get them and be sweetness and light to you. If you treat us like dirt, we won't tell you about the free offer we have on.
• Asking us to waive the delivery fee won't happen. With the majority of sales companies, delivery is outsourced, so we have no control over it. Most of the time, our managers have told us not even to bother asking on your behalf.
• We rarely have contact with the company we sell for. Callcentres are not run by that particular company, we are hired by someone else entirely. If the company we sell the product of is really nice to us and likes to teach us about the product, give us paid training days and free samples, we will sell for them as much as we can and have drive and passion. If they just allow the management to deal with us, the motivation of the team is dreadful.
• Leading on from the last point, one of our few points of contact with the company we sell for is to pass on feedback. If you have an awful horror story and tell it to us nicely, explaining that you know it's not our personal responsibility but let us know that you just want to pass it on, we will not only try and fix the issue for you, but we will fight your corner in a detailed email to the company. We also pass on nice feedback. Which we rarely get.
• You are probably the 150th phone call we've had that day. If you're going to say no, please just say no. And say 'Please take me off the call list' nicely if you don't want someone to call you back. It makes our lives so much easier.
• When you're rude to us, we mute ourselves and take the piss out of you.
• Sometimes, even though it's against the rules, we do accents on the phones.
• If something is really really cheap, then there will be a catch. If you buy a half price case of wine, there will be a full price box coming every month thereafter. However, you can get around that by ordering just the first one and then cancelling the plan as soon as it arrives. Just don't tell the operator you'll do that, otherwise they won't be allowed to sell you the wine (calls are listened into and recorded, so they could get fired if they do)
• As I have previously said, the callcentre worker IS NOT the company. Which means if you shout at us, you're not actually doing a great deal of good, you're just making someone's day hell. If you really want results, play nice.
• At least one person on the floor cries. Every day. At work.
• The pay is pretty much awful. Everyone is on a zero hour contract, which means that 'holiday pay' is built into your pay schedule. Which means that including that, you only just scrape minimum wage. Which is not living wage. And you don't get paid for sick days. 
• Someone sound really fit on the phone? They're probably not doing it for your benefit. They're likely flirting with the manager they fancy who's sitting next to them.
• Callcentres are rampant for inter office romance/sex
• If you are really stupid on the phone, sometimes we record you and play it back to all our friends.
• If you are a wanker to us and ask us to take you off the call list in a mean way, we will reschedule your calls for once a week. Yeah. Exactly. 
• When we talk about 'our kids' or 'my husband' we are usually lying to get the sale
• Ditto when we laugh uproariously at your joke of 'it's on sale? Ooh is it free?' We've heard that 4 times today. SO FUNNY. Not.
• We regularly call people who have just died and then have very awkward conversations with their families. When I was selling wine, I once called 9 dead people in one day whilst doing a reactivation drive.
• Callcentre workers leave notes about you on the system. These can range from 'Really nice lady, big fan of our organic milk!' to 'Total twat with a small penis. Do not call'.
• When you say 'Fucking callcentre people again' under your breath as you answer, we can hear you.
• We also just overheard you tell your housemate to tell us you aren't in.
• And your kid telling you that they just pooed in the bath.
• We will talk about you over lunch if you say something really thick. Like calling spanish wine 'ree-o-ja'. It is pronounced 'Ree-o-ka'. Idiot.
• If you're a guy and call us girls gorgeous, babe, darling, sweetie, dear or beautiful, we will be swearing furiously at you with our hands throughout the whole conversation. Even if we sound nice as pie.
• No, we are not scamming you, you signed up with our company. You get a brochure from us every month. I can tell you what you last drank from us. I can tell you how many crates you've had for us. No you can't pay bloody cash.
• When you ask to get put through to a manager, you're quite often being put through to our friend who sounds older than us. Or to a callcentre manager. Who doesn't know that much more than us about the product. And who still won't be able to waive the delivery fee.
• If you hang up on us, you will just get called back. Again and again. Automatically. The people who phone you have to assume that it was a technical fault even if you think you made it obvious. Unless we hear the words 'please take me off the contact list' we cannot stop calling. 
• Sound scripted? It probably is. New recruits work off a rigid script.
• Yeah, we have tried the product. But we're not experts. Much like how Asda till workers probably don't know everything in stock.

And that's it for now! So be nice to the people who phone you up trying to sell stuff. And if you're going to say no, do it fast, do it kindly. I've probably worked with them in the past!

Tarrah Reader!

Ash

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17 year old me is back...

Oh god Reader, 17 year old me is back through the magic of time travel (and imagination! Ooh, it's like the magic schoolbus!)

Oh, I'm back here again am I? I was right in the middle of something!

What? Doing your homework? Reading Othello for Mrs. Roe's English class?

No, drawing peace signs on my jotter. I'm totally into issues.

Er....sorry....issues? What issues are those then?

Oh, you know. Issues. I'm a veggie now and everything!

Well...yeah. But that's not exactly because you think eating meat is wrong is it?

Yeah it is! I feel really sad about how mean they are to the poor animals and the way they treat them in the barns and stuff

No it's not. It's because you got grossed out by seeing the butcher taking out the bits from the Christmas turkey isn't it?

Yeah, well that too. Veins. Eurgh. But I'm into other issues too! I really believe that the wars should stop!

What wars are those 17 year old me?

Oh...you know....wars....in general.

Oh god. Look kid, you can't just feel outraged without any actual grounding. Yeah, war is bad, and mistreatment of animals is bad, but you need to be a bit more specific about it. You can't just claim to be into issues but not know what any of them are.

Yeah well...

I mean, you still wear leather! And buy your clothes at topshop!

Does that mean that when we're in our mid twenties we're like, totally eco and only buy organic and stuff?

Not so much. We're actually eating meat again.

WHAT?! 

Well, you know how you keep almost fainting? Even though you're eating loads? Well, you have anemia. And as you get older you start missing the deliciousness of duck pancakes. And you discover this stuff called pulled pork. It's too good.

Eurgh. That's gross. Think I'll stick to veggie sushi thanks.

Well, you will till you're almost 25 anyway.

Huh. So what are we doing at the moment?

Well, I did a voice job this morning and now I'm prepping for a film I'm doing in portugal in a couple of weeks

OH MY GOD, ARE WE THE VOICE OF FERRERO ROCHER?!

No! Wow, I haven't seen one of those ads in years. Actually, the guy who did those ads taught us how to be a voiceover artist, so that's pretty cool. We do a bit of everything-although we haven't done any narration for talking books yet. We really want to though.

We should totally do Harry Potter voiceovers

Well, Stephen Fry sort of did all that, keep watching the films though, they're very good. Oh god, the last one...

SO SAD. I'm still in mourning for the twins. And Tonks and Lupin.

Yeah, we never really get over that.

So how's being single going? Are you living the SATC life?

Er...no. Besides, they're all in their forties, cheeky cow! I've been pretty busy recently, which sort of takes away the chance of meeting attractive single men. And besides, I'm kind of loving embracing my spinster side. I'm watching tv shows, baking, babysitting and there's bugger all drama going on in my life. Which is kind of lovely.

Can't you at least go on a few dates? You're totally letting the side down! We're supposed to be cooler than mental mid-twenties spinster lady!

Oh yeah, like you're any better! You went on one date through the whole of sixth form! And you freaked out and ended up dumping the guy as soon as you got home!

He kept stroking my hand and commenting on how small and soft it was! Totally freaky!

I know! But you didn't really give the poor boy a chance did you?

I just wanted to watch the Incredibles in peace! Besides, we hate it when people talk during films.

This is true. We never grow out of this. We are also still ridiculously awkward around men we like. Which is another nice side effect of being mental spinster lady-no making a dick of myself around hotties-for there are none to be a dick around!

That doesn't sound terribly promising

Ah, it'll get better. It's just at the moment quite a lot of our male friends are gay.

WE HAVE GAY FRIENDS? THAT'S SO EXCITING!

*SIGH* Ok, so I know you don't know any yet, but that's just a symptom of going to an all girls catholic school. There are LOADS of gay guys in the boys school down the road, you just don't know any of them yet. Besides, you don't have male friends generally yet! When you get to my age, most of your friends are men!

Really? That's cool. Am I a bit of a tomboy?

Hahahahhahahah, No. We still climb trees and stuff, but we love our dresses, heels and cakes. And making homes beautiful. But we get on with guys pretty well. They're funny! And good at teaching us about football (HAH, jokes, we don't care, we just let them ramble on while we think about what to make for dinner or how to learn difficult accents).


Pfft. Fine. Well, I have to go. Kaat and I are going to bunk English and sit by the Camden canal.

Ah memories. Off you trot child. Enjoy not having to wear a bra while you can.

What?!

Nothing. Bye!

And there she goes, off in a whirlwind of sparkly gel pens, mini kilts and posters of Garbage and No Doubt.

And on that note Reader, so shall I!
Ash
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A list of wrongful purchases...

So Reader, sometimes I check my bank balance and swear to myself in very colourful language. Where does it all go? Surely I can't have spent all my monthly wage so fast? And then I remember all the rubbish I've spent my moolah on in the past and cringe inwardly. Gosh, I could buy a house with all the money I've spent on rubbish! So to prevent me from doing it again, here is a list of some of the really stupid things I've paid for in the past

THINGS I ACTUALLY SPENT MONEY ON

• When I was 18 I had done a few pole dancing classes, but my rehearsals rarely allowed for me to go to the advanced classes. So I decided that if I had my own pole I could practice from home! So I spent £50 on one from Anne Summers. The problem is, the pole wasn't really intended for someone to actually swing from it (I think it was a 'pole' in the same way a sexy nurse outfit is a 'uniform'). Years later, at a post show party, I put it up and tried to impress my new boyfriend and brought it down with me. Oh dear...
• I spent quite a lot when I was younger on a stretchy denim jumpsuit with multicoloured rhinestones. I was 15 to be fair, and it was for my 60's style birthday party, but even so...I sort of thought I was in Abba. And I thought I was bloody cool
• I paid what seems like an extortionate amount of money to get a 'Pob' (posh spice bob) when I was 13. Unfortunately it came out like Harry Potter, which was on the second film at that point. I also had NO CURVES and got mistaken for Daniel Radcliffe 5 times. Which isn't great for a teenage girl's confidence.
• I paid for a black henna tattoo from a dodgy bloke in Lyndos. It looked really cool. Until I realised I was allergic to it and had to go around with a pink, lumpy 'tribal tattoo' for a month afterwards
• Spice Girl photos that were made to look like actual pictures you'd taken. I tried to tell everyone at school that I knew them really well, but hadn't realised that everyone else had the same idea.
• A twenties style glass headpiece. I have never worn it, but still assert that I will one day (and to be fair, it was to make me feel better during a big break up)
• A pink, crocheted hankerchief top that my dad wouldn't let me wear out of the house
• Materials for a snorlax bean bag. Which came out looking demonic and ended up at the dump
• Nail pens. Total waste of money, every time.
• The Aqua singles 'Barbie Girl' and 'Dr. Jones' on cassette (YES, I REALISE I AM OLD, SHUT UP)
• Millions of wooden boxes of various shapes and sizes. I have an addiction.
• Not one, not two but THREE manicure sets for my friend Claire for various birthdays. I kept forgetting that I'd got them for her until, just before she opened the final one, she went 'haha, at least I can be sure it's not a bloody nail set!'. Awkward.
• Scented gel pens. No, scratch that, I bloody love scented gel pens. Do they still do them? I want some.
• My prom outfit. A corset, underskirt and over skirt that made me look like gothic Cinderella. Turned up at prom to realise that everyone else was wearing Jane Norman and I was totally overdressed. Rarely worn again (actually, the corset came in handy for costume socials at uni!)
• A tailcoat for a halloween costume, cost me a fortune and I have NO IDEA what I did with it

And there have been SO many more. Still, given that I recently got a Jessica Rabbit dress off amazon, I clearly haven't quite grown out of the habit of spending money on silly things just yet! And...well, it IS Christmas soon....

Tarrah Reader!

Ash

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The good girl dichotomy....

Reader, I am apparently a 'good girl'. Which does not mean that I want to prance around naked in a Robin Thicke video. I think. The thing is, I've sort of discovered that society has split girls up into being 'good girls' and 'bad girls'. But I can't work out if us ladies sort of do it to ourselves or not too.

So, I don't put myself into the 'good girl' genre on purpose. I like baking and reading and wearing fifties dresses. I'm also a firm believer that sugar does more than salt and try to be nice to everyone. I believe in true love and get very mushy over romance (I think I read too many fairy tales and love stories when I was younger). But I would never have called myself a 'good girl'. Because why would I put myself in a weird camp like that? It's just a bit odd. Besides, I smoke, I drink, I swear, I flirt like nothing else. Surely a so called 'good girl' wouldn't do those things? Aren't I just 'a girl'? Or, what with being in my mid twenties 'a woman'?


So what's made me think of this today? Well, recently I've been referred to as 'a good girl' a few times. Always by men interestingly. A guy (out of the blue, when we were talking about something else entirely) went 'aw, Ash, you're such a good girl. You're going to make someone a great wife one day'. Another guy (with whom I was discussing my eternal singleness) said 'The thing is, you're a good girl. You need a nice guy'. Another (who I was telling about a drunken night out of late) said 'You're too much of a good girl to drink that much!' Now, they were all saying nice things and all meant well, but do I really want to be a 'good girl'? I'm not sure. Because as far as I can tell, good girls don't get to have that much fun. We take care of our friends (including friends that aren't always very good at taking care of us), we pay all our bills on time, we bake for our sick family members and always cleanse, tone and moisturise. But the 'bad girls', the girls who are 'allowed' to drink, have one night stands and spend the rent money on a drinking trip to Mexico. Which sounds quite fun to me. But the thing is, I still have too much Catholic school girl in me to be a true 'bad girl'. If I drink too much I get a hellish hang over the next day. I don't really do the one night stand thing because...well, I don't know really, I just tend not to end up having one night stands (as one guy friend told me, I'm 'wife material, not shag then toss material'. I wasn't sure whether to be insulted or flattered. I think a bit of both. And a bit outraged that those were the two categories he put women into). If I spent the rent money I'd have a huge guilt trip and spend the next 3 months eating noodles and drinking tap water to make up for it.

But is it just women that get this? I don't think it is. We also put guys into these weird stereotypes. 'Ooh, he's a bit of a Bad Boy' or 'he's just your typical Nice Boy', which have their own downfalls. I caught myself doing it earlier, dismissing a crush because he was (in my mind at least) someone who fit into 'The Bad Boy' category. I was talking to a friend about this and she downplayed it, by saying that for girls, this is a bit more along the lines of self preservation-a 'Bad Boy' will be more likely to be a bit of a player, use and abuse or (as my male friend said) 'shag and toss'. But then don't guys go through the same thing with 'Bad Girls'? Granted, men are more likely to cheat than women (see here if you disagree http://www.businessinsider.com/why-men-cheat-more-than-women-2013-9 ), so that could be part of it, but it's weird how we sexualise the 'bad boy' and 'bad girl' ideals. Or rather, women sexualise 'Bad Boys' ('Urgh, I just want a bad boy in leather who's in a band and smokes like James Dean') whereas men seem to sexualise the 'good girl' (just think of the schoolgirl thing, and all the weird fetishes for knee socks). Pretty strange. Because if women are hormonally driven, shouldn't we be drawn to nice guys who would make good life partners and fathers? And if men are sexually driven, shouldn't they be drawn to women in revealing clothing, who openly talk about how much they love sex? Saying that, there was an interesting study of late about the pill and implant and how they can actually change the sort of man a woman will go for (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/01/birth-control-attraction_n_2981391.html) so maybe a lot of our attraction is less about 'good' and 'bad' and more about our womb making the decision for us? But then what does that mean for men?

Maybe we should stop calling people 'good and bad' unless they actually get sainted or commit crimes. A lot of childcare books say that you shouldn't characterise one child as 'good' and one child as 'bad' as it causes them to try and live up to that type. Maybe we're doing just the same thing as grown ups, but to each other.

Boggles the mind really.
Tarrah Reader!
Ash
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Early days....

Oh dear Reader. So, on Friday SJ and I went to Taste of Christmas in London (quickly becoming an annual tradition) and got very tipsy and very full on free samples of flavoured vodka and cheese and christmassy goodness. I think I was slightly affected by a morning of such crimble delight, because Saturday (entirely unplanned I might add, since I wasn't supposed to be doing it till this Friday) I got a tree and decorated the entire flat! My wonky, home made decorations are now adorning walls, trees and ceilings (yes, ceilings) and Bing Crosby's Festive album is jingling and tinkling in the background.

It's November.

I KNOW. But my thinking is that I've had a pretty tough year and I deserve some joy. Some people would turn to drugs or drinking, I turn to tinsel and mince pies! (Ohhhh, mince pies! I'm going to get one RIGHT NOW).

Yum. Ok, where was I before the sugar rush hit? Oh yeah, Christmas. So, to me, Christmas has a healing effect. This year has been one of the most dramatic I've ever had, changes coming left right and center. The gutting break up of my almost 5 year relationship left me reeling, suddenly the marriage, kids and home I'd been looking forward to disappeared from the future, leaving uncertainty in their wake. Moving out has meant that I can no longer afford to save or buy clothes (even from primark!) and I hit my mid twenties with a bang. But Christmas makes all of that dealable. Watching festive films reinforces my ideals of romance and the chance at true love, makes me grateful for my wonderful family and friends who have been so supportive during the upheaval, talking to my (almost 3 year old) godson about Santa and teaching him christmas songs strengthens my knowledge that I'll be a bloody brilliant mum (whether I have to do it on my own or not) and having moved into my little hobbit den with my fantastic housemate has helped me realise that I can be self reliant, even on very little money. Decorating said hobbit den with said very little money has made me proud that I can make somewhere a true home and still embrace the traditions that I hold so dear. Seeing acts of Christmas charity around England warms my heart and the idea that magic can happen is something I hold dear. And of course mince pies and roast potatoes make everything seem better.

The thing is, I have a great life. Sometimes it's easy to forget that, but the brilliant thing about this time of year is that the world gets warmer even as the air chills. Which sounds like poetic nonsense but to be honest, it's true. It's the perfect way to end a year and makes me feel like Jimmy Stewart at the end of It's A Wonderful Life every time.

So to those who say 'I hate how early Christmas keeps coming every year' and talk about commercialism, all of that might be true, but for some of us, it's perfect, just the way it is.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Ash
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The death of customer service...

Reader, I get a bit funny about customer service. I think it's something to do with years of working in the service industry. But a phone call this week really made me think-why do so many areas of industry assume that they have no customers?

Essentially, my lettings agent assured me and the curly housemate from the start that they were sorting out the transfer of our utilities and council tax. They told us that in the first two weeks or so we'd have letters from gas, electric, water and council telling us how to set up direct debits etc. After two and a half months, we'd had a water bill and that was about it. Over the course of the two months we started with polite phone calls asking what was going on (to which they assured us something would turn up and to leave it to them), then polite but slightly more formal emails (to which they didn't respond) then turning up at the letting agent offices to check if they had any idea yet (to which, again, they said not to worry, it was their responsibility and they'd sort it out). Eventually, just to make sure, we called the council, who told us that they'd messed up the change and had just put the council tax in the landlord's name and given them no other details, meaning that instead of lots of money being spread over 6 months, we now have to pay it over 4. Piqued to say the least, curly housemate emailed again, politely but wrathfully explaining how disappointed we were and how it made the lack other utility bills even more worrying, so we'd be grateful if they could respond ASAP. I then got a phone call from our (very young) letting agent who explained that they used a intermediary utility company to sort it all out and so really it wasn't their fault. To which I (very civilly) replied that, whilst that may be the case, we had been asking them for two and a half months to follow it up, and as of yet, they hadn't. I also expressed how disappointed we were that this had not been resolved yet. He assured me that he was on the case and would have an answer by the next day. A week later he got in touch and said he still hadn't figured it out, but was still searching. He then, again, tried to shift the blame on to the utilities company. I got quite cross at this stage and said that although it may have been an issue on that end, they had been told about the problem by us several times, and so this did not reflect particularly well on their company. 'This is, first and foremost' said I, 'a customer service issue'. To which he responded (and to which my jaw dropped)

'Well, it's not customer service. You're not our customers. This isn't retail'

Yes Reader, despite us paying the letting agency for a service they are supposed to provide, we are apparently not their customers. (The situation was made markedly worse by him constantly saying 'Well I'm sorry that YOU FEEL THAT WAY' and 'I'm sorry IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL' and not taking any responsibility, then after I spoke to the manager, hearing her bitching about me in the background of the call, but that story can wait another day).

The fact of the matter is, if you are paying someone for a service, you are their customer. Patients are the customers of the NHS. The public are the customers of the police service. We are the customers of MPs. And dentists. And utility providers. To say that someone 'is not the customer' of a service you provide, means that you do not care about them. Also, the FIRST rule of customer service is that the customer is always right (which may have escaped him, since he clearly just assumed I was someone not linked to the company at all, who was perhaps squatting in the flat rather than paying thousands over the past few months in admin fees, deposits and rent). When you do not take responsibility for the customer's issue, you are making it seem like there is no point in you picking up the phone to them. And that the issue is their fault. We generally don't like that.

GRRRRR.

Anyway Reader, onto happier topics. I did a wonderful rehearsed reading the other day which was mentioned in The Guardian (oohhh, I know!). The play I was in was by brilliant journalist, playright and generally fab human being Yasmeen Khan, who wrote Don't You Know Who I Am (with lovely and very talented Irwin Sparkes of The Hoosiers) and Break The Floorboards. I do a lot of new writing night performances (I'm also a regular at Genesis Cinema's monthly NWN-which is on tomorrow at 7.30 in Whitechapel if you fancy seeing me do a bit of the ol' acting malarkey) and this was a particularly awesome one. The Rehearsal Room Presents at Tara Arts in Earlsfield featured Pawn by Melody Bridges, a set by band Chains, an interview with the writer of '100 Great Plays for Women' and of course, Yasmeen's latest script 'Actually Love', an affectionate satire on British Rom Coms, featuring Raphael Bar as Rob Stanhope (a spoilt rom com actor whose star in swiftly waning, who decides to write an AWFUL script to keep himself on the film scene), Irwin Sparkes as Ollie (a well meaning, adorable but slightly shy second AD who is lovesick for Rob's PA) and me as Beth (Rob's long suffering PA who is also rather in love with him and has to deal with all his ridiculousness) was directed by Adam Morley who directed me two years ago in a national tour of Great Expectations. We got brilliant feedback and I can't wait to see where the script takes Yasmeen! It's only a second draft, but it's already totally readable and performable! If you haven't seen or read her work-look her up! Blooming talented woman!

Tarrah Reader!
Ash
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Things Disney films have taught me....

So Reader, I've been thinking a lot a bit about Disney of late. Mainly because Christmas is approaching and I'm anticipating some much needed sitting on the sofa watching films, and I was thinking of all the lessons Disney has taught me. There have been quite a few, not all of them correct, nor altogether good lessons.
Here they are!

Disney Lessons I probably shouldn't have learnt

• All pretty girls can sing. All of them. And they do. About everything.
• No one ever does a poo, unless it's an animal about to do one on a villain
• Even peasants wear really well fitting clothes
• Heroes and pretty girls are always thin
• Fairy godmothers totally exist and they're always over 60 and portly
• Vegetables can be used as a mode of transport
• Reading makes you special (well, duh)
• Poor people meet royalty all the fricken time, just casually
• Loads of people that can sing beautifully don't use it professionally because they just want to get married
• People's dad's die. CONSTANTLY. And no one has a mum. But step parents live forever.
• Animals are your friends. Especially wild ones.
• Ditto midgets.
• Elderly women who live alone are witches
• No one lives in a city. Lots of people live in a palace in the countryside
• Bread is just about the tastiest meal anyone can have
• Exotic pets are totally normal
• Everyone has perfect teeth. Even if they live in a cave.
• Anyone can survive certain death. Even baddies
• Trees are perfectly cosy places to live
• Cakes look like they're made of yogurt and when they're knocked, they slop from side to side
• Girls never have to make the first move
• Dancing is the best chat up line 
• Balls happen on everyone's 16th birthday
• Crabs are friendly
• Voodoo is AWESOME and creates green smoke
• It's always beautifully sunny during the day and clear and starry at night
• Wishing on starts totally works
• Having tiny feet gets you places
• No one is at all clumsy. Ever. Unless they're bad or sidekicks. Or crabs.

That's all for now Reader!

Ash

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