Anniversary, long distance.

Reader, yesterday was mine and The Lad's third anniversary. Three whole years of being together! Neither of us can remember if it marks the date we first kissed or the date he asked me to be his girlfriend 'so...Erm...do you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend or something?' 'Let's see shall we?' (Yes reader, I was the ice bitch from hell when we got together), but the anniversary is still quite a big deal I reckon. Last year we went to Brighton on a mini break together and ate lots of cake and played on the beach all day. This year, not only are we both skint but I'm away on tour, so we couldn't be together over the weekend. And, like on valentines day, I was somehow surrounded by couples again! Bad luck. This time round though, they're all rather lovely couples that I actually know, rather than random pashing teens in central norwich. Better luck! And one of the female halves of one of the couples made me a gorgeous veggie carbonara, so I will of course be forever be in her debt! Then I watched jaws. You know, cause, sharks.

We are going to celebrate, but we only have one evening to do so, when I'll have been travelling all day and will have to to go the call centre the next day to attempt to earn a bit of cash so my phone bill doesn't bankrupt me, so it may be a bit of a tame one. No swinging from the light fittings at the electric ballroom etc. Probably more like eating pasta and watching a film in bed and catching up after not seeing each other for a week and a half. Which is rather nice really isn't it! Maybe next year we'll do something really exciting. If he's not sick of me by then, obviously!

Today is Easter Sunday (a whole weekend of excitement), so I celebrated by eating a caramel egg in bed then making my cast pancakes. I now feel like a rather bouncy inflated whale toy. I did have an actual Easter egg from home, but since I have no willpower, I broke the egg and pulled it through the little window at the front (because if you don't open the box, the calories don't count, blates.). No willpower at all. Not a trace. If i can, I might pop into church at some point today and light some candles for my family. The last vestiges of catholicism are driving me in! Note to self-call grandmother...

Right, I'm going to go wrap up and have a nice long walk on the beach,
Happy easter folks!
Ashx

99, 100....READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!

Reader, this is my hundredth blog entry! Can you believe it? No, me neither. Mostly I'm amazed I've been able to come up with so much to write about. And that the vast majority of it has either been about cake or me being, let's face it, a bit of an eejit really. To be entirely honest, I'd sort of forgotten that this was going to be number 100 so didn't plan anything. So, here are 100 things that have happened since I started writing this blog. Well, that's one way to mark it right?

1. I got the part of Estella in a national tour of Great Expectations

2. I puked in a tin bucket outside a medieval church hall. In front of the guy who plays Pip. Yeah, real attractive Estella. He has to pretend to fancy me. Poor sod.

3. I lost over a stone in weight. Which makes me feel smug. But also, terrified that I'll put it all back on again. Which still does not stop me wolfing down chips (mmmmm, chips).

4. I developed a huge girl crush on Tina Fey

5. The Lad moved in with me

6. I graduated from drama school, and therefore now have two of the most useless degrees in the world (English lit and Acting for screen. I mean, seriously, I'm going to have to be an actress, cause who would really employ that in a real walk of life?)

7. I became a Godmother. I am almost certain that I'm doing quite well at being a Godmother, because I have so far introduced my godson to both double choc-chip cookies and Darth Vader costumes for toddlers. And I got him a copy of Dark Crystal (everyone keeps telling me he's too young to watch it, I reply that it never did me any harm, then dash away doing a Skeksis impression.)

8. I dressed up as Amy Pond for a convention. Stop laughing. It was a great costume. Even if my legs did look slightly more like muttony sausages than Karen Gillan's, but to be fair, she was a bloody model before she did Dr. Who! I am not one of those.

9. I turned 23. I am now turning 24 in two weeks (Oh god).

10. I've seen 8 of my friends get engaged. Yes, 8. No, not to each other. 8 sets of couples. I know. Disgusting, isn't it? SLOW DOWN EVERYONE! I DON'T HAVE A BIG ENOUGH WEDDING OUTFIT BUDGET YET!

11. I paid off my overdraft. Mainly by putting my life savings into that account (goodbye dreams of invisalign braces, I will miss you)

12. Went to Ireland. Weather was a bit soft, introduced The Lad to my town, Beaufort, where there are lots of tea shops and pubs.

13. Saw my brother off to uni. Cried, quite unexpectedly.

14. Went to Brighton with The Lad, where we ate such vast amounts we came back with pot bellies that stuck out from under our tees.

15. Spent Christmas with The Lad for the first time ever. Got him so many pressies they wouldn't all fit in one bag. Introduced him to my families way of eating (i.e. eat everything. Then ask for more.)

16. Went to Yorkshire for NYE, was the only one still awake at 12. Got really really ill with the flu, and spent the coach journey home alone, hallucinating.

17. How am I only on 17? I feel like I've been typing FOREVER! Erm, ok, did a lot of babysitting I guess?

18. Got a voice agent

19. Recorded a whole bunch of radio ads. Including the Ereceptionist ad that plays on Absolute London, and drives my friend who works there utterly mad every morning...

20. Was in two music videos. One with lots of Beyonce' style booty shaking (surprisingly hard for a middle class white girl with a pretty flat bum), one with lots of fake blood and gore.

21. Got new glasses. Had to get them from men's department as none of the women's ones suited my large manly face.

22. Did a photoshoot dressed as a female Frankenstein's monster, in a full head prosthetic

23. Discovered I'm not very good at having my face covered in plaster cast, and having to breathe through tiny holes under nose as have panic attacks.

24. Discovered I'm really bloody stubborn and will ignore panic attacks to get the job finished, even if it means nearly breaking a poor make up artists hand whilst trying to regulate breathing through tiny holes under nose.

25. Did my first ever filmed sex scene.

26. Broke my first bed during a sex scene.

27. Discovered that it's highly embarrassing to see yourself faking sex on screen while surrounded by an audience of people you don't know.

28. Worked in a charity call centre.

29. Got fired from a charity call centre.

30. Worked in a call centre selling posh wine.

31. Discover that am quite good at selling posh wine, despite not drinking it. Get made team leader. Overdose my team on Christmas cheer. Threaten to come in dressed as Santa if they start to flag.

32. Get moved on to selling organic veg (not because of harassing team with Christmas cheer. Well, at least I don't think so)

33. Had an operation on my tongue. Sounded like a person with a cleft palate for a week, survived on lucozade and Ben and Jerries Chunky Monkey.

34. Moved to Norwich (from where I am currently writing, is lovely, but I miss The Lad and shops being open on Sundays)

35. Received my end of Drama School report. Ignored it as it was less than useless and didn't have feedback from any of the teachers or directors that I wanted to hear from. Decided to reply on feedback in person from teachers and directors, which was much more useful and less about my 'writing and evaluation' skills (??!!?? I did an ACTING DEGREE!?! WHERE ON THE REPORT DOES IT TALK ABOUT MY ACTING?!)

36. Made a showreel. Edited it. A lot.

37. Saved some money. Spent a lot of it.

38. Sold nearly all my mum's clothes. Made some profit.

39. Someone tried to steal a grand from me. Paypal made them pay (bitch).

40. Contemplated becoming a hooker. Decided against it when someone told me I'd have to do weird things like lick sweaty-man-toes. Not convinced that's the best reason for not doing it, but it's the best reason for me.

41. Got a really cool mentor, saw her in a play. She called me an incredibly talented young woman after seeing my final film and music video. I went beetroot red and stammered a lot about good editing.

42. The Tories came into power (I cried. Actually cried.)

43. The riots happened, round the corner from me. My 18 year old brother tried to go 'calm things down'. My mother locked him in his room. Quite right.

44. Had my first ever major health scare. Was fine. Big relief. Decided if I ever actually have anything seriously wrong with me, will go private after god-awful experience with NHS nurses and hospitals.

45. Went to my first ever wedding fair. There was a lot less cake than I was expecting.

46. Worked outside, flyering in December. Was colder than I've ever been in my entire life. Experienced what I can only assume was the early stages of frost bite.

47. Lost some wonderful people.

48. Made some truly excellent friends.

49. Found out that actors who work at callcentres have a cracking sense of humour and a very high tolerance to booze.

50. Turned the cake blog into a vlog (one on it's way now!)

51. Seriously, am I only halfway through? Jesus, Mary and Joseph...

52. Technically didn't get rejected from any agencies. Technically didn't get into any agencies either, but that's neither here nor there. Note to self. Apply to more agencies.

53. Learnt how to bake some damn fine cakes.

54. Wrote some pretty cool kids' stories

55. Went to a Cold War Kids concert. Was pretty sure the lead singer was making eyes at me. The Lad insists that actually it was him the lead singer was making eyes at.

56. Went to my cousin's band's concert in Camden. Was shoved to the back of the venue by their MASSES OF FANS! Was very proud, they're called We are the Ocean and are very good in a cool sort of a way. If you like cool sort of things

57. Went to Winter Wonderland. Again. Got sprayed in the face on the crappest ghost train ever made.

58. Saw some films. Woman in Black. Harry Potter. Twilight. You know, the highbrow stuff.

59. Learnt how to make aubergine bake.

60. Ate a hell of a lot of aubergine bake.

61. Visited wig-maker friend in middle of countryside whilst she was briefly home from international tour of Batman Live. Ate an enormous pizza. Watched Home Alone two. It was awesome.

62. Went to lots of dinner parties.

63. William and Kate got married. I  went to the V&A museum and ate really bad wedding cake, then watched my friend and her fabulous mum take part in a royal fashion show

64. Met my baby cousin Mabel. Learnt how to stop her from crying. Was proud until I realised this meant carrying a baby around for hours and hours, jigging and humming.

65. Decided to put off having children for a fair while.

66. Panicked that I was pregnant.

67. Wasn't pregnant.

68. Briefly discovered religion again, then lost it.

69. Dressed as Uma in Pulp Fiction. With a wig.

70. Dressed as a zombie magician.

71. Dressed as a witch.

72. Met Santa whilst filming an advert. Found out he really likes Doctor Who. Sat on his lap for first time since was 7.

73. Went to Wales for first time! Discovered that rumours about it raining very heavily in rain are based on the truth.

74. Found a potato in a shoe that had baby potatoes growing from it. Was left over from a game me and Dad started where you hide potatoes in other peoples things. It began with me hiding a pile of them under his bed sheets with a note attached saying 'from the pratie fairy'. May start that game up again fairly soon, was very amusing.

75. Played a divorcee for an advert. Wondered if I wasn't perhaps just slightly young to be divorced.

76. Went to a Pokemon Tournament. Saw The Lad reach the top 32 in Europe. Refused to go again after someone threw a pokeball at my head in some weird come-on. I don't care if you 'choose me' I'm not getting in your van with you...

77. Saw my 7 year old cousin triumph as The Grandmother in Little Red Riding hood in Broxbourne. A star is born. Frankly, that Dakota Fanning had better watch her back, my little Daisy is much cuter.

78. Twisted my ankle whilst spinning a festive wheel of fortune. No, I don't know how it happened either.

79. Got offered a feature film. With explicit nudity. And no lines. Turned it down.

80. Was on Downton Abbey. For a fifth of a second.

81. I am running out of things to write given it's only been about a year I've been writing this....erm.....Got some jewellery. An antique locket and a Tatty Devine swallow pendant. The latter from The Lad, the former from myself.

82. Saw myself on screen in a cinema

83. Held a pig's eyeball for a film.

84. Held a tiny baby chick that fell asleep in my hand

85. Bottle fed an ENORMOUS KILLER LAMB that tried to escape the farm and take me with it

86. Despite all attempts to the contrary, got addicted to an awful lot of trash tv, including My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, Made in Chelsea and TOWIE. I am ashamed.

87. Made my own recipe book.

88. Experimented, and got addicted to food glitter. Discovered that not everyone likes glittery beans on toast.

89. Went to a Labyrinth themed masked ball and screening dressed as David Bowie. Complete with stuffed crotch.

90. Got my first fillings. Had to have The Lad there to hold my hand.

91. Did a Swedish accent in an audition. Incredibly, didn't get the part. Hmmm, it did sound vaguely Indian actually...

92. Went to Eastbourne and drank my weight in Pimms.

93.  Saw my mum launch her own business and do brilliantly well (we never expected anything different)

94. Started trying to learn to juggle with three balls (that was today actually, thanks to my brilliant stage manager, who's patiently teaching me)

95. Considered moving to a very small town on the outskirts of California, just because my favourite video blogger lives there. Realised that would be sort of stalking. Still thought about it for a surprisingly long time.

96. Got in an epic food fight.

97. Was disparaging about Lana Del Rey. Then secretly added her to my ipod and now listen to her every day.

98. Was won a stuffed toy at a funfair for the first time EVER. His name is Gunther, he is a Christmas penguin in jesus sandals and he shares my bed while I'm away from The Lad.

99. Tried to stage a secret revolt against Skyrim with other Skyrim widows. Failed miserably when we all stopped talking to our boyfriends and they lost all sense of time and started starving. (n.b. this may be a slight exaggeration, but only slightly. At one stage, I asked The Lad when he'd last eaten and he thought about it and couldn't remember. Had to make him a BLT, stat. Given that he's a slender sort of a lad anyway, missing a meal could make him waste away!)

100. WROTE 100 MUTHA FUDGING BLOG ENTRIES BEEEATCH!

Look, I'm sure I've done more than 100 things in the past year. But I haven't planned this at all well. Also, some things I can't tell you about. Because of secrecy and certain signed documents!

But there will be a lot more. Next attempt-500 blog entries!
Bye for now chaps!
Ash
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This week I shall be mainly hiding under my bed.

Oh Reader, this week has been what can only be described as a pile of utter pus ridden wank.

It all started last Thursday, on the day of mine and the Lad's 2nd anniversary. Off we went to Camden, where we had lunch, then we skipped like weird 50s cartoon characters to Angel and Islington where we decided to take advantage of the deliciously gorgeous weather and sit outside the pub with our wonderful friend Ian to have some cocktails (I practically never drink, so am slightly concerned that what happened next is punishment from the gods). I had just settled down with my Sex on The Beach and passed Ian the other cocktail I got for free (it was 2 for 1, but I made a bad choice on my second. Note to self; amaretto and whiskey are not friends), I put my bag back on the table and slotted myself into the wooden bench, and was just about to reach for my bag when I was aware of a sudden blur of cyclist going far too close to our table. 'CAREFUL!' I yelled, thinking 'What a twat' when I noticed Ian was chasing said cyclist, who not only had his tee shirt pulled over his head but was also holding my bag in his hand. Unfortunately, Ian was not as fast as the cyclist, and my bag vanished. Along with my glasses, passport, diary, Oyster card, entire make up kit and 25 quids worth of Topshop vouchers that I had been planning to spend that day. A speedy phone call to the police later and I was sitting in the back of a panda car, a slightly worried looking officer who looked too young to be true trying to calm me down (I think they were worried I was going to faint I was crying so hard), and the other one trying to figure out what I was saying underneath all the snot. They drove me round for a while but to no avail (Although at one point they did question a man who had a similar sort of top to the chav on the bike, who turned out to be a slightly paunchy man playing with his kids). Meanwhile, The Lad and Ian had been patiently waiting (and getting loads of 'advice' from a homeless man, who vanished as soon as the police showed up). Luckily my lovely dad showed up and saved the day by getting me a train ticket home, and The Lad arranged to go in later at work the next day so he could come and look after me. Needless to say, the next couple of days were not exactly joyful, as they have been full of trying to replace my make up, cancelling cards, reporting things stolen and being scared of people on bikes.
There was also a very cringe moment where I went to the bank and kicked up a fuss about those nasty robbers stealing money from my account....only to realise that actually, I'm just really skint.

But I recovered, after all, who could be sad when the sun was so beautiful right? And on Sunday, I had my first day off in an age!

Reader, I got heat exhaustion and spent 5pm onwards in bed with my legs elevated and a cool flannel on my face, trying not to vomit.

But that's fine, because today was filming for a music video with a great concept, which was loads of fun! Until I got a phone call half way through that is, to tell me that I was being let go from my telephone charity fundraising job because I couldn't convince enough pensioners to give me their money.  Luckily, my cat sympathised and came to give me affection when I got home, only he got too close and now my allergies have kicked in and my eyes are hidden behind a layer of pure puffiness.

So not a great week as weeks go. But some nice things have happened. I have been made my Cousin's Godmother, which is VERY exciting, I recorded my voice reel, I've been with my boyfriend for two years, I made a flippin awesome music video with a great bunch of people and I got to sit in my garden without a coat for the first time in months!

Well, Reader, keep your fingers crossed that next week is much better eh? More of the good stuff needed!
Ash
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